2 days old

First of all I hope my last post about my c-section doesn't scare anyone.  After having 3 normal deliveries, it was just a super different experience for me.  I also was super scared and had some  uncommon side effects.  I do know lots of people that have had several c-sections and they have had great experiences.  It was also so different from my fetal surgery because I was completely out.

Today has been a much better day so far.  I was able to take a shower and I feel like a new person.  We got up to the NICU early enough to be there for rounds.  The doctors were very nice in accentuating the positive.  So far Eli's bladder ultrasound looked good and he is not being cathed at this point.  It can always change quickly, but so far he is voiding on his own. The urologist will continue to follow him in the next few weeks and he will have a urodynamics test done around 3 months....I think.  Neurology also did a head ultrasound and at this point they aren't going to do an MRI.  We were unable to get an exact measurement of his ventricles, but the doctors are going to get it for us tomorrow.  They will continue to measure his head daily and monitor it.  So far that is good news.  PT and OT should be by today or tom. to evaluate him and get services started.  Everyone is concerned over his loss of tone in his lower extremities, but they have seen some movement in his hips and a little in his legs.  I know enough to know it is not normal, but we are thankful that there is a little.

This morning we got to spend a lot of time holding and bonding with little Eli.  We are pretty taken with him and we love him just as he is.  He pulled his nasal cannula out today as well as his ng tube.  He was not happy when the nurse had to put it back.  I even got to try breastfeeding him a little.  For now I am pumping around the clock and the nurses carefully give him each milliliter I bring.  I am glad to do this for him.

We are getting ready to head back and spend the afternoon with him.  We are both so exhausted.  Every time I pump I fall asleep, but we want to spend as much time with him before we go home tomorrow.   Did you hear that....I am going home tom!!  I now feel strangely attached to this place and will miss my little Eli.  I knew I was going to feel this way!

Eli's Birth Story

I want to write down the events surrounding Eli's birth while it is still fresh in my mind.  Yesterday my c-section was originally scheduled for 11am.  We were told from the start that it might get delayed and so we weren't surprised when hour after hour passed.  It was a long morning of waiting.  I'd have moments when I'd forget what was ahead and relax for a bit and then all of a sudden I would get so anxious. 

Finally, at 2:20 they came and got me.  It was a surreal feeling knowing what was getting ready to happen.  I also had my lovely glasses on and I hate wearing them.  I don't see so great in them so it always makes me feel like I am in a blurry dream.  If you have bad eyes you probably know what I am talking about.  I was a nervous mess.

Kev remained in the hall while I went in and they quickly began prepping me.  I have had 4 epidurals in my life and so I know what that entails.  Yesterday I was to get a spinal instead.  The anesthesiologist resident used me as a pin cushion.  He just couldn't get it into the right spot.  I felt sorry for him because he was trying but to be honest, I was not happy.  I sat trying to stay curled with my shoulders down while he tried over and over.  Finally, I said, why is it taking so long.  The attending asked if she could take over and before I knew it my legs were finally going numb. 

They laid me back and were getting everything prepped.  I felt so anxious.  They kept testing me to make sure I was getting numb.  Those kind of questions always make me nervous because what if I think I am numb, but I am not really numb enough.  I was all strapped down and they did their little time out thing and I heard the doctor call for the scalpel.

They finally brought Kev into the OR just as they began, and he sat rubbing my head and telling me that I was doing great.  I got a major case of the shakes as I always do with anesthesia and my lovely blood pressure began bottoming out.  The lowest it got was 50/27.  I really felt terrible and like I was going to pass out.  Apparently I had some scar tissue from my fetal surgery and so things began taking a little longer.  At 3:29 they told me we were about one minute from baby.  I got so anxious and before I knew it there was the tiniest little thing raised up above the curtain.

I remember him crying and I remember being immediately concerned about his legs and feet.  I could tell something was wrong.  He has also been in the pike position for about 14 weeks.  They both looked clubbed to me and I was sad. He was so precious, but I felt so scared.

The C-section took longer than expected and laying strapped to that table awake for over two hours about did me in.  I kept asking for some drugs to help me relax or go to sleep, but they couldn't give them to me until they could get my blood pressure up.  By the time they were closing up all of a sudden I started to feel them stitching.  Of course I immediately let them know and they gave me local anesthesia, so they could finish. 

Once I got to the recovery room I was really feeling a lot of pain.  I don't think I've ever been in that much pain.  They gave me several different things and nothing was helping.  My blood pressure was down again and my ears were clogging up.  I knew I was close to passing out again.  Thankfully, I started to feel a little better after a little while.  I was in recovery for over 4 hours.  While I was in there they wheeled Eli through so I could see him.  He was so sweet and they said he was breathing on his own and going to the level 2 nursery.  I was so glad, but really I just felt pretty rough.  All I knew was that I was thankful to no longer be pregnant, thankful that Eli was doing well, and thankful that I will never ever have to do that again. 

Today I have been trying to rest, busy pumping for Eli every 3 hours, and visiting the NICU.  We have made 4-5 trips to see him today and tonight I finally got to hold him for the first time.  This morning he was showing signs of respiratory distress he was moved to the NICU.  They did have to incubate him for about 5-10 minutes to give him surfactant.  We were there while they were working on him and he was not happy about it.  It was not fun to watch.  They put him on a c-pap for a short period of time, but again he didn't like it at all.  Then they just put him on oxygen through a nasal cannula.  He has been doing good throughout the day.  Tomorrow morning we will be at rounds and hopefully will find out more about his head ultrasound, kidney ultrasound and other test that have been done.

To be honest, I am really not feeling so well tonight.  I know it is to be expected, but I am so ready to feel good.  I am praying that tomorrow I will begin to feel better.  Thanks for checking in on us and for all of your prayers. 

Hopefully tomorrow we will have some new pictures.  We were told we couldn't take a camera into the NICU last night and then tonight we were told we could. :)

He is here!

Eli Matthew Giordano
 4lbs. 5 oz.
3:30 pm

It has been a terribly long day.  I am exhausted and thankful to be feeling some better tonight.  He is precious and I can't wait to really get to see him tomorrow.  I will post more tom.   He is in the Level 2 nursery and is breathing on his own so far.  His back looks great and he is having a head ultrasound tonight.  Please pray for his little legs and his sweet little feet.  Thank you for praying the Lord has answered!

And we wait a little longer...

My 11:00 c-section will hopefully be more like 2-2:30.  I am ready to get this show on the road!  Thanks for the prayers!!

Waiting...

I am trying to pass time.  My c-section got pushed back a little due to the two before me running long.  My doctor also got called back to the office and I have a different doctor...that is okay!  I know the Lord will have the right people in place for Eli's arrival.  The new doctor came by and she seemed really sweet.  Only a little while longer and my pregnancy journey will be over and Eli's journey will begin!  Thank you all for your prayers.  I read something yesterday on a blog that said instead of worrying you should worship.  That is what I am trying to do today!  Thanks again for being so faithful to pray for us and Eli today!

Letters to my kids...

I have always in the past written a letter to my kids the night before we welcome a new family member.  You can read the ones I wrote to Ella and Eliza in 2009 here.

Dear Eli Matthew,
       Tonight is the last night I will ever go to sleep with you tucked sweetly inside of me.   I can't imagine coming back to this room tomorrow with you not inside of me anymore.   I remember looking at my calendar the day I was admitted and thinking there was no way I could mentally make it until July 12th.  Thankfully, the Lord has sustained us each day and provided friends, encouragement and just what we needed to get through. I cannot believe that tomorrow is your birthday!

      If you are anything like your pregnancy has been, I imagine you will be a little boy who teaches us a lot and keeps us on our toes.   I will never forget the day I found out that I was expecting you.  I was so surprised.  I had no idea what the next few months of growing and nurturing you would require of me physically, mentally and spiritually.  It has been the hardest journey of my life so far.  I will never forget March 8th, because that is the day we learned that you were a little boy and a few minutes later that you had spina bifida.  I will never forget the feelings I had on April 19th, when we were both facing a risky and scary surgery to repair your back in utero.  I have never been more scared in my entire life.  I will never forget each move of your legs that we anxiously looked for each week on the ultrasound or the day we watched you put your toes in your mouth.  These past few months have required more of me than I ever knew I handle.  It has required more faith in Christ, more dependence on those we love, and more praying on my part. 

Eli, I don't know what tomorrow and the weeks to follow will be like for you, but I promise that God has a great plan for you.   I promise that you have a mommy and a daddy that will move heaven and earth to provide all that you need.  I promise we will love you no matter what you are capable of and no matter what the doctors may tell us about you.  We believe with all our hearts that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving and kind heavenly father and we are trusting him with your care and your future.  We promise that you will not be the little boy with spina bifida, but you will be our son, Eli.

There are so many people praying for you tomorrow and who already love you so much!  Your daddy and I cannot wait to see you, and I promise to get to the NICU the minute they will let me up!
Love,
Your Mommy


Dear Ella Kate,
      Tomorrow is Eli's birthday.  When I reminded you of this on the phone tonight you asked me if he was having a spiderman birthday!  I sure wish that was all we were doing tomorrow.  You are such a funny girl and such a great big sister.  I love to watch how much Eliza loves you and how she wants to do exactly what you are doing.  You have a very big job as the oldest child.  I can see that God is making you into a great leader with a strong personality.  I pray you will continue to grow to be a good helper to both Eliza and Eli.  I have no doubt that Eli will love you.  I can't wait to take you to the NICU for a visit in a few days.  You are lucky because you are old enough to get to visit him there.  Get a good rest and be a good girl tomorrow.  I can't wait to see you!
Love,
Mommy

Dear Eliza Anne,
     I think Mommy is having the hardest time writing to you tonight.  I think it is always hardest on the youngest when a new baby arrives or maybe it is just hardest for mommy.   It seems like just yesterday I was shedding tears writing to to Ella the night before we had you.  I couldn't imagine how much I would love you!  I felt so sad that she would no longer be the baby and I was scared.  Mommy is feeling the same things again tonight.  You are such a sweet little girl and I cannot believe that you are almost two.  You are so different than your sister and I think you will make a great middle child.  I know you will make a great big sister and I look forward to watching you grow into your new role.  I hope you and Eli will be good friends and that you can teach him your mad climbing skills (that might even be okay by mommy and daddy)!  I love you!
Love,
Mommy

1 more day!

Last night, a few seconds after I hit publish on my post, my cell phone rang.  It was Kevin and he had called to tell me that Ella had just thrown up!  She had left the hospital about an hour earlier. We shared a kiss and hug and she bee bopped down the hall with her usual spunkiness!  She had been fine all day!  During her naptime at the hospital she had snuggled right up beside me nose to nose.  As soon as he called, all I could think about was all of us getting a stomach virus this week. 

I also hated not being at home to care for her, even though it takes everything in me to clean up throw-up without throwing up myself.  She was so sad and called me and said, "Mommy, I am throwing up and can never go to church."  I think she had overheard Kev saying that they wouldn't be able to make it to church today.  I must just insert here that Kev did awesome on Daddy duty today.  He didn't even get frustrated with me when I called a million times to check on them and to remind him to Lysol and wash hands constantly.

So far she has been okay today...just laying around more than normal.  And thankfully, so far everyone else is okay.  I talked to my doctor this morning and told her I had been exposed and she said if I start to feel sick at all they will go ahead and deliver me asap.  I can't think of much worse than having my stomach cut open (my incision is quite large from my fetal surgery and they will use the same one again on Tues.) and having a stomach virus.  I might just ask to be put to sleep for a day or two. I can also not think of much worse than for Kev to be sick as a dog on the birth day of our last child.  It is kind of a day you can't redo.  So, needless to say I am praying and praying that we will stay well as well as our friends and family who have been around us recently. 

I cannot believe that tomorrow is my final full day as a pregnant person.  I got my 8th and final IV today.  My nurse got an L&D nurse to come and do it because I didn't have a lot of vein options left in my arms and apparently you have to have a bigger IV for surgery.  She did awesome.  I couldn't believe how painless it was.  This has been such a long journey even though it has been a shorter pregnancy.  I am so ready and so nervous all at the same time. 

Counting down!

Today was a good day at the ole hospital.  Kev went home this morning to spend some time with the girls and get some things done at home...like washing my four outfits!  He brought the girls up this afternoon and we played in the room and then they took nice long naps.  They are definitely warming up to hospital life and have made friends with nurses, cafeteria staff, and housekeeping staff. One nurse even brings them a surprise each day after they take their nap.  It is so sweet.  Eliza has also finally warmed up to the hospital bed and more to her mommy again.  Poor thing, I am sure she really has no clue why mommy is living at the hospital. 

I forgot to mention yesterday that I had what I would like to say was my VERY LAST ULTRASOUND EVER!!!  The tech was asking me how many I thought I'd had since I started having babies and I really think it is too many to count.  I am sure it is close to at least a hundred and I am not even exaggerating.  I really hope I don't one day find out that they are really harmful or something!

Yesterday on my ultrasound my fluid measured a 6.  That is pretty good considering I have been ruptured for almost 4 weeks now.  Eli's right ventricle, which is the smaller of the two measured 8mm.   That is down a bit from the previous week and down is always good.  They couldn't measure the larger left one due to the fact that his head is so low.  We did see some movement in his hips and he was practicing his breathing like crazy!  They didn't do a growth scan again this week, but he should be weighing around 4lbs 5oz or so.  I hope he is at least that big by Tuesday. 

The countdown is really almost over...two more days.  I have one more IV to get in the morning...my 8th, and that should be my last!  I am so thankful to the Lord that he has sustained me through these weeks.  When I was admitted I really didn't think I could handle being here until 34 weeks, even though I knew I needed to for Eli.  I am also so thankful to so many who have prayed and shown love to our family.  We have been so blessed by your kindness. 

It's Friday

I cannot believe we have made through an entire work week.  Last week at this time it seemed like such a daunting task, but here we are.  Next week at this time, I should be back at my house for the first time in 4 weeks and also no longer preggo.  I know I will hate leaving Eli here and will feel so weird once he is no longer tucked safely inside. I am sure I will be back bright and early Saturday morning to check on him. 

Today got off to a bit of a hectic start.  Each morning they do a Non-Stress Test.  It monitors Eli's heartrate and my contractions.  I am usually on the monitor for 30-45 minutes, and if things look good they take me off and then just check his heartrate every 4 hours.  This morning I was alone and all hooked up to the monitor.  You really can't move too much because it kinda messes things up.  About 10 minutes into the monitoring Eli had a deceleration.  That means that his heartrate dipped too low below the baseline and stayed there a little bit.  I always get anxious watching the monitor when that happens.  He generally does great but he has had a few decels over the past 3 days.  This is also not too uncommon when your fluid is low because the baby can move onto the cord.

When a decel last for a little bit an alarm starts sounding...loudly...BEE...BONG...BEE...BONG...and it does not stop until someone turns it off.  Normally, I would just get kev to silence it until they come to check on me, but since he wasn't around I just tried to deal with it. After a while I decided to call for a nurse to come look at the strip and turn it off.  Thirty minutes later no one had come.  So I called again....BEE...BONG...BEE...BONG...constantly!  I was also dying to go to the bathroom at this point and I was contracting every so often.  I waited and waited and tried to occupy my time with the Internet.  Around this time another thirty minutes had passed and so I called a third time.  At that point I was ready to get up and silence the thing myself, but I was also a little concerned about Eli.  The monitor was also now out of paper and had quit recording and I really needed to use the bathroom.  The constant monitor alarm combined with a few decels, a full bladder and some little contractions for almost an hour an half made me quite exasperated!!

Finally, my nurse and another nurse she was training arrived.  I told them that I had called 3 times needing them to come check and cut off the alarm.  They were nice but kinda acted like people often call needing ice or towels and so it is hard to know when they are really needed.  Makes me a little nervous if I was really having an emergency!  It was a bit frustrating because I am not one to call unless I need something I cannot do myself.  I have even mastered wrapping up my own IV each day prior to my shower, just so I don't have to call and wait for someone else to do it for me. 

The nurse thought everything looked okay and I asked if the attending could look over the strip.  Of course she said yes.  I also let her know that while I am not an overly anxious person, I am not beyond thinking that something unforeseen could still go wrong and I would rather them be overly cautious than not.  The doctor wanted to put me back on the monitor after lunch.  After lunch things appeared to be much more normal and my contractions definitely slowed down.  I am thankful that things are okay and I am ready to get Eli safely here.

Today actually went really fast.  We had some sweet visitors and due to the fact that it was a long morning it was dinner time before I knew it.  So glad to get to the weekend.  THREE more days!!!

3 week Hospital update

Not much going on in hospital land today. I had a slow morning.  It appeared that my next door neighbor was having some major difficulty this morning.  The nurses were obviously very occupied and it was about 10:30am before they finally got me on the monitor.  I am on it each morning for 30 minutes to an hour, so I felt like I'd never be able to take a shower. 

Our associate pastor and his wife, Louise, stopped in to visit me today while they were doing hospital visitation.  It was good to chat with them for a while.  I also had a sweet new friend stop in.  She brought us doughnuts and even offered to paint my toes for me.  I think that was the sweetest thing ever!  They look a lot better!

Kev and the girls arrived and he brought their toenail clippers and we finally got that taken care of.  Kev is still scared to trim their nails so it has always been my job. Eliza wanted her toes painted too and I must say it is hard to paint those tiny little toenails. 

I feel like we are really getting closer to Tuesday!  I will be glad to get there except I am getting really scared.  I am not looking forward to having my stomach cut back open and it having to re-heal.  It hasn't been long enough for me to forget yet.  I am also a little weirded out about being awake while they are cutting me open.  I think I will be claustrophobic lying on that table. It is probably time to stop watching A Baby Story!  The only time I care to watch it is when I am pregnant. 

I am so thankful to be in my final 4 days!  I am not counting Tuesday!  Oh, and the same doctor who delivered our first son, Samuel will also be delivering our last child, Eli.  He is a great doctor and I was glad to learn that he would be here on Tuesday.

God works for the Good

I have been blessed with so many sweet friends who have stopped in to help me pass time.  I can not tell you how much it has meant to me.  I really think that someone in the hospital for an extended stay without friends and loved ones could very easily become depressed.  I am generally a pretty even keeled person by nature, but some days I really feel like jumping out of my window!!

Today my sweet friend, Toots, (and no that isn't her real name, but rather the one that she is known by everyone by) came to help me pass some time.  Toots is the most creative and craftiest person I know. She brought about 6 bags packed full of scrapbooking and card making supplies.  I had plans for being crafty, but I mostly sat on the bed and chatted while watching the girls have fun!  You can tell by the pictures that they think Mrs. Toots is pretty great too!  The nurse walked in and looked like what in the world is going on in here!  She actually said she thought it was great! 

 Romans 8:28 is one of those verses that I learned as a child.  It was one I memorized and one that I hid deep within my heart.  It is a promise from God that I believe and that I have continued to see play out in my life throughout the years.  Kev and I have see this promise work in a very real way in our lives throughout the past few weeks.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Most of you know that my husband was involved in a major head on collision after leaving the hospital the day after I was admitted.  He was heading home to see the girls, take a shower and to pack some clothes.  By the grace of God he survived and not only survived he didn't break any bones.  The driver in the car who hit him did not make it.  Thankfully, we have since learned that he was a believer.  Kev was seriously banged up!  He was so bruised...I mean I have never seen bruises like that.  His doctor said he had the worst chest contusions she had ever seen.  He has been sore, tired and trying to heal. 

He was taken to the ER at the hospital I was at following the accident and also seen by our family doctor.  His doctor would not clear him to return to work until after she sees him again this Friday.   I can really tell that he is starting to feel better this week and I am so thankful that he has had time to rest and heal.  When he called me moments after getting in this terrible accident, I really was wondering what in the world was going on.  I mean I am waving the white flag of surrender!!!  It has been one thing after another!  I really didn't understand what God was up to or why he was allowing another difficultly in our lives.  I was mostly just thankful that Kev was alive.  When he called me telling me he had been hit and was really hurt, I think I said over and over that I loved him and that I could not do this without him.  I really need him and just for the record...I am so thankful for him. 

So, back to my point.  Kev has not been allowed to work since the day after I was admitted.  It has meant that he has been able to spend lots of hours keeping me company at the hospital.  He has been making daily runs down to the food court for ice cream and such.  He has been able to go and get the girls and bring them to the hospital to spend the day with mommy.  He has been here to help me give them naps here at the hospital and keep them entertained.  We have spent more time together in the past few weeks than we normally would.  He has also had time to make many trips to the chiropractor and doctor.  Thankfully, he is feeling better with each day and should good to go for Eli's arrival day.

Who but God can take the horrible tragedies of this life....the things that make you question His goodness and sovereignty, and work them for our good and our benefit.  Who would have thought that Kev being in an accident would actually work for our benefit in that he would have more time to spend with me...and help me to not lose my mind. As I sit here in my quiet and empty little hospital room tonight, I cannot help but praise my heavenly father for His goodness to us.

33 Weeks!

We are finally in the one week countdown until Eli's arrival.  Most certainly this will be the last pregnant week of my life and that is a good thing.  If someone could guarantee me a normal and easy pregnancy...you know the kind...you get pregnancy, you see your doctor normally, you do all the normal pregnancy stuff, and in 38-40 weeks you bring home healthy baby...yea, I'd do that again.  But, seeing that our track record hasn't been so normal, we are worn out....completely!  I think this pregnancy has about done both Kevin and I in.  I feel sure next Tues. I will say that it was absolutely worth it all, but it hasn't been easy.

33 Weeks with Eli

There are many things that I am looking forward to once I am not pregnant.  Of course the biggest thing is just getting to go home for a bit.  I am also desperately ready for a hair trim.  My hair is needing some help in a big way!  It is growing out kinda crazy and could use some big time thinning out.  I also have a gift certificate that Kev gave me for Christmas last year to get a Keratin Hair straightener.  I found out the day after he bought it that I was pregnant so needless to say I have been saving it since December.

Ella gives Eli kisses about 10 times a day.  She is going to be a great big sister to him.

I am also ready to lose these pregnancy pounds.  I know it takes me a while..sometimes a long while, but I am ready to start my way back down.  After each pregnancy it is a huge challenge and I hope I can do it one more time.  Oh, and I can't wait to wear some different clothes.  I have 4 outfits that I packed quickly the morning before my last appt... just in case. I had no clue that they'd be my exclusive selection for the next 4 weeks!  I do have more options at home, but it is often hard for Kevin to find exactly what I am needing. I may burn these when I am done!

I have a few things on the agenda this week to keep me busy.  I have tons of thank you's I need to write.  I also have 3 small canvases' I'd like to paint for Eli's room.  Now is a good time to do things like that since I don't have many other options.  I know once Eli gets here I will be occupied with being at the hospital with him and being at home with our girls.  Oh, and I have plans to paint my toes one last time with this big belly in the way....if I still can. 

Hopefully, next Tuesday evening I will have some cute little Eli pics to post and an update on his delivery day.  I am so glad to be in the final countdown...6 more days to go!

And just for comparison sake...

28 Weeks

33 weeks

Fireworks on the Fourth!

Today was definitely a different fourth for our family!  Our girls spent the day with family and Kev spent the day sitting with me at the hospital.  It was a long day.  Perhaps it was because I knew that it was a holiday and it just wasn't much fun being bound to the hospital or maybe it was because we saved my 30 min. wheelchair ride until 9pm so we could try to watch the fireworks.  Either way it seemed like a lot of time in this room.

A sweet family from our church brought us some delicious ribs, potatoes, corn and and cookies.  It was very sweet and it was so much better than hospital food!!  Kev's parents also stopped by and visited.  Around 9pm Kev and our friend Wes, who works here at the hospital, took me to the 10th floor to watch the fireworks.  We actually had a pretty good view.  I really did miss watching our girl's faces as they watched them.  Next year hopefully we will be in a much better place and able to celebrate the fun of the fourth as a family.

We are almost at one week until Eli arrives.  My c-section is scheduled for next Tues., July 12th at 11:00am.  I am sure we will get pushed back some since we are scheduled for later in the day.  I am getting very nervous about meeting Eli.  I am so ready for some normalcy I could almost scream, and yet I know our lives are about to change forever.  I am scared to watch and see if he can moves his legs or has feeling in his feet.  I am nervous to see if he does in fact have clubbed foot.  That honestly breaks my heart.  You never want anything to be wrong with your baby!  I am scared about what we will learn as the what ifs turn into reality.  I am scared about all that "could" be wrong. Even then so much will be a wait and see!  I am not faithless, but I do know that real struggles are a reality in life.  We would appreciate your continued prayers as we meet this new addition to our family.

Passing the time...hospital style!

Happy 4th from my little firecrackers!!

Sleepy Saturday

Well, we have made it through another day. I got a visit from my girls today and we had some friends from church stop by and visit us tonight.  It was a pretty slow and sleepy day! 

Today as we were taking my daily wheelchair ride we saw a small sign on a door with a little lamb on it.  As soon as I saw it I knew exactly what it meant.  It is a sign that is placed on a door when a family loses a baby.  It helps health care workers know that a loss has occurred so they can be sensitive to the family inside.  As we passed the door my heart ached for the family inside.  Five and a half years ago on the very same hall, Kev and I sat in a little room with the same sign on our door. 

While this pregnancy has been so challenging and hard, I am thankful that most likely we will take home(eventually) a little baby boy who we can love and watch grow.  I am so scared about what raising Eli will be like, but at the same time I am thankful that we will get to raise Eli. 

This past week the girls went to VBS at our church.  Each day we asked Ella what she learned.  Yesterday her lesson was on Hannah.  I was told that she told her teacher, "I have a Samuel(pronounced as rhyming with camel) and an Eli."  To her they are both a very real part of our family.

I can't believe we are almost to the fourth of July!  Getting Closer...10 more days till delivery day!

Friday, Ultrasound Day

Not a whole lot to report today.  I am sorry that my blog has turned into a daily log of my hospital happenings.  We had our weekly ultrasound today.  Nothing too new to report.  My fluid levels were low, but still okay due to the fact that I have been ruptured for well over two weeks.  They were unable to get a good view of Eli's left ventricle due to his position today, so we don't know what it measured.  The right one that has been stable for weeks and weeks was up just a bit today.  We always take into account that little increases can be due to measuring errors.  We did see a tiny bit of movement in his right knee.  We will take it.  The sonographer always seems concerned over his lack of leg movement.  We try to remain optimistic.  I know I have done absolutely everything humanly possible to give Eli the very best chance and now all we can do is wait.  Of course we will continue to do everything possible after he arrives with therapies and etc., but ultimately it is in God's hands.  I continue to pray that we will be surprised at his level of function as he grows.  It is scary and overwhelming at times, I must admit. 

We did see that he already has some hair on his little head and they estimated him to weigh around 3lbs 14oz. as of today.  I generally have small babies and I am sure Eli will be too.  I am hoping if I can make it to the 12th that he will be at least 4lbs 3oz.  You know what is really bad about having such a tiny baby?  I may get a whole 5 pound weight loss on delivery day!  I assure you I have a whole lot more than that to lose! 

I am going to hate not getting to hold him and spend time with him right after he is born.  This delivery will be very different than our previous births.  I am really not even sure if I will really be able to see him at all at first...hopefully I can get a little glimpse!  I cannot imagine!  The doctor did say that I hopefully will feel up to going to the NICU by that evening to see him.  I know if I am humanly possible I will. 

This morning I was reading through the book of Job...again.   I have found comfort in that story throughout the past few months.  I cannot imagine facing all that Job faced.  I have found comfort in Job 38 when God Speaks to Job and gives him a glimpse at his power and authority.  You cannot read it without thinking...okay God...you are way bigger than I am and so I am just going to be quiet.  Today these verses stood out to me:
"Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
Do you count the months til they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?
They crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.
Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return."  Job 39:1-4

Obviously it caught my attention because it displays how interested and involved God is in the births of the animals of the wild.  I know that man is far more valuable to God than the animals and it reminded me that God is very interested and involved in the birth of each and every baby.  This is not a new revelation, but one that brings me comfort. 

WooHoo, tomorrow is Saturday.  Two weeks from tonight I should be sleeping in my very OWN bed!  I cannot wait.

Thursday

One thing I continue to be amazed at as we venture through these difficult days is how the Lord provides just what we need.  Today was a pretty long day.  The nurse didn't get me on the monitor until after ten and then she left me on for an hour and a half.  I was only supposed to be on for 20-40 min.  I think she got busy and forgot.  Kev brought the girls after VBS and they were both very tired and fussy.  Lunch was a bit disastrous as there aren't many good eating spots for little kiddies in a hospital room.  We opted to not attempt the food court area again around lunch time.  We finally got both girls to sleep. 

Eliza has turned into a major Daddy's girl over the past few days.  She will not let him put her down at all.  She is a little scared in my room, and I can't say I blame her!  She is really scared when anyone enters the room and she is even a little scared of her mommy.  It breaks my heart!  She has always been a mommy's girl....but I think she knows they are coming to check me and it makes her scared to get too close.  I try to steal kisses and hugs whenever I can get them.  Usually after a while she warms up some. I cannot wait to be at home normally with her again.

Ella and I snuggled in the hospital chair and she snuggled so close and kissed my face over and over.  It was such a sweet and special moment and was just what this mommy's heart needed.  She has always been my snuggle buddy!  She was also so sweet when she left today.  She said, "Mommy you sit right there and I will miss you." 

After naps we had some sweet friends bring us dinner...a yummy BBQ dinner.  Then another sweet friend popped in and then more friends.  I cannot tell you how much this means to us.  It helps time to pass and also helps us still feel connected to the world outside.  It encourages us and helps us to continue. 

I have to admit that there are moments when I want to act like a crazy, dramatic, patient having a mental breakdown and insisting that I cannot do this one more day.  Every morning at 5:30 when the doctor does her rounds and asks if I have any questions, I want to beg and plead for an earlier delivery date, letting her know just how hard this is on me and my family.  Then I take a breath and bite my tongue and remember that God has already ordained each day of Eli's life.  He has the master plan even though the doctors may write the date on a calendar.  So, I hold back and continue to wait on His timing.

Tomorrow we will have our next ultrasound.  You can join us in praying that his left ventricle will remain stable or will have decreased, fluid will still be okay and that we might see some good leg movement.  I am anxious about it since we are getting so close to seeing him and beginning this journey with him. 

The best news is...tom. is Friday and we are almost through another work week!  Have a good night.

Today's Random Thoughts

Today is coming to an end.  I am thankful that tom. is Thursday and that means that we are closing out another week...well kind of.  Kev brought the girls to the hospital again today and we had a family date to the cafeteria.  It was packed and was a bit stressful since all I can do is...sit.  Our girls generally don't eat very well in chaotic situations and so we left pretty quickly.  We came back to my room to attempt nap time at the hospital again.  Amazingly they both napped really well! 

I am having IV issues again.  IV #4 is now swollen, red and sore in and around the IV site.  The nurse said it probably will need to come out and another placed.  I probably will have one in my foot before this is over. 

I will have another ultrasound either tomorrow or Friday.  I am anxious to see what is going on with our little guy.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am about to have another baby!  I don't feel prepared at all for the newborn stage...especially since I feel so out of practice as a mother.   I guess we should soon buy a pack of diapers!!  (Just for the record we are normally overly prepared and I have only been to a retail store 2 times in the past ten weeks!)  I am sure Target must think I have died!

I think I will snuggle into my crisp hospital sheets...I am really not a fan, and try to go to sleep!  13 more days...not that I am counting!

2 more Weeks

Until this family of four becomes a family of five!

Daddy was being silly!

2 more weeks plus a few recovery days until mommy is back!

This mommy is READY to resume my mommy job!

32 Weeks and hoping Eli is growing!


So my attempt at talking my doctor out of a full-time Iv didn't go over so well!  The day nurse tried and the vein blew so I am waiting for the night nurse to try.  I hope I have some veins left by the time I have Eli. 

I feel like we are trying our best to make the most of this hospital stay.  I am beginning to know all my nurses and they are very sweet.  Even my cleaning lady has been stopping and watching a little TV with me.  We watched a lady do a water delivery the other day on TLC together!  Kev has been taking me for my wheelchair ride to the food court.  They have some pretty good options which are better than the same hospital food every day.  We are trying to consider it as a date. 

Speaking of TLC....the show Baby's First Days( I think that is the right name),  was taped at Vanderbilt.  A lot of the episodes were taped in the room I had before/after my fetal surgery.  It is neat to watch it on tv and know we were there 10 weeks ago today!

I really feel like if I can get through this week, next week I can really be counting down the days.  I think I am going to make a countdown chain for the girls so that whenever they come they can remove a link(s), so that they will have a better idea of when Eli will be here. 

There are many people who have made some huge sacrifices to help get us through this time.  You have sacrificed your time, energy, and your own plans to be there for us.  You have traveled to a yucky hospital to sit and chat, you have prepared meals, you have called and texted, you have sent cards and encouraged.   To all who have so unselfishly loved us....we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  If the Lord is teaching us anything, it is to be more compassionate to those who are hurting and those who are in need.  We pray we will be as loving and giving as many of you! 

32 Weeks...HOORAY!

It is offically after midnight, so I have finally made it to the 32nd week in the hardest pregnancy ever!  Normally I don't think much about being 32 weeks except for the fact that it usually means I have about 6 weeks left.  This time it seems like such a milestone.  It also means that my c-section is offically 2 weeks away...or less!  (They are not letting me go past 34 due to the risk outweighing the benefits).

I was thinking that 7/11/11 would be a better birthdate than 7/12/11, but I am not sure what the docs would think of that.  All I know is one day earlier means one day earlier.  I have never been to prison and never plan to go...but I have to assume it might feel somewhat similar to this.  Being an adult it is a rare occurance that you are told you cannot do something.  I don't really like knowing that I cannot leave the hospital. 

I decided to get crafty and sent Kevin for my art supplies.  I painted a canvas for Eli's room today.  I worked on it most of the day and evening, which is why I am up so late.  It turned out pretty much like I wanted and occupied a lot of my day.  That is a good thing.

I am IV less for a few hours.  I accidently knocked it today and it started to swell and turn red under the site.  My nurse was sweet and took it out for a little while.  (I am not receiving anything in the IV anymore, but they are making me keep one in case of an emergency!)  I did ask about not having one, but the doctor quickly shot me down.  Oh well!  Did you know that IV's have to be changed every 4 days. I never realized this until this hospital stay because normally they haven't been this long.  I am now on my fourth IV and have about 4 more to get before I go home.  I am not really liking that!!

I better try to go to sleep!  Someone will be in before I know it to check Eli's heartbeat and my vitals!   Oh and the doctor will be in doing her rounds about 5:30am.  I am sure there is a perfectly good reason why they do it so early, but it is really terrible timing.  For one, I never have my contacts in and cannot see her to save my life. I have seen her everyday for two weeks and still have no clue what she looks like.  Maybe tomorrow I should try to find my glasses before she enters the room.   She always asks me if I have any questions and I am hardly awake enough to make a coherent sentence much less think of any questions worth asking at that time.   Oh well! 

Time to go to bed!

Sunday

This morning Kev headed to church.  I knew it would be good for him to get to go even though I couldn't.  After church he picked up some lunch and brought the girls to the hospital.  Normally on Sundays we eat as fast as we can and always put the girls down for a nap.  They are always soooo tired after church and we are usually on borrowed time.  We knew it was a risk to forgo nap time and attempt it at the hospital.  I was so thankful to see my girls.  We played a little, colored a little and then we all took a LONG Sunday afternoon nap...at the hospital.  That is a miracle!  Ella and I snuggled on the bed and Kev and Eliza slept on the couch.  They both slept for over two hours even with a cleaning lady coming in and a nurse.  Kev and I couldn't believe it!!  It was so nice to spend some time together as a family today and to get in some snuggle time with my girls.  Have I said how much I miss them?

After nap time we took advantage of my 30 minutes of freedom and went down to the food court area and fed them dinner.  Ella pushed my wheelchair the whole way and did a great job.  The food court is much better than the cafeteria food... I must admit!  So, all in all it was a good day and another day down. 

Things with Eli seem to be really stable so far.  His heartrate and daily NST are good.  He is still moving around and my contractions are laying low.  So far there are no signs of an infection...and so we continue to wait.  Waiting is good...but is so hard. 

So long Saturday

Another day is almost done.  It is sad to be counting the days away, but when you are stuck in a hospital room, it is about all you can do.  I learned today that each day that Eli stays put will cut off about 3 days in the NICU.  That is a good perspective for me to remember because at times this is terribly hard and I am ready to be done!

Kev took me outside for my wheelchair ride today.  It was my first time outside in a week and two days.  The sunshine felt good.  It was strange because it was a reminder that life is still very much happening all around even though it feels like we are locked in a strange kind of dream. 

I am so anxious to go home.  I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed.  To shower in my clean shower.  To be the one caring for my girls.  To have freedom again.  I know as soon as I leave the hospital I will be torn, because I will be leaving my precious little newborn behind.  I am sure the minute I get home, I am going to feel the need to get back.  Please Lord help us through this time. 

Once again today I was so grateful for the sweet friends who stopped in and passed some time with us.  We appreciate it more than you know!

A Good Day!

Today was such a better day than yesterday.  I got to see my girls.  I had several sweet friends stop in and visit.  Time seemed to pass without me watching each hour on the clock.  I am so thankful for that. 

We got surprise visit tonight from our sweet friends, the Kutilek's.  We met them about eight years ago when they visited our Sunday School class at church. It seems like yesterday we were newlyweds and dreaming of having a family.  They have always been very special friends to us throughout the years despite living in different places.  They drove about 5 hours with 3 small kids to visit us at the hospital.  It meant so much to us.

Another day down....another day Eli could grow.  I can almost see week 32 in sight! 

Long Day

Today was a very, very long day.  It was the first day that I spent the day completely alone sitting in this lovely little room.  As the day went on, I felt more and more alone and sad.  I have made it one week now at the hospital and I am missing my home and our normal life so much.  I miss being at home with my girls so much I almost cannot stand it.  I think the hardest part is that I know it very well could be two and a half more weeks.  Normally that would seem like nothing, but in this situation it seems like an eternity.  I know I have to take it one day at a time,

I did have an ultrasound this morning and it went pretty well.  My fluids levels were higher than they had expected, especially since I have been ruptured for over a week now.  The other good news was that Eli's left ventricle, which has always been the largest one only measured 13mm today.  That is one mm less than it measured last Thursday. One mm is not a big difference and they said it could just be a measurement error.  Either way, I am so thankful that it measured less and hasn't increased now in 3 weeks. That is awesome news.  Maybe all this hardwork with prenatal surgery, bedrest and now hospital bedrest won't be in vain.  It would definitely be worth it if we can be one of the fortunate ones to avoid a shunt.  

The only discouraging news was that they saw minimal movement in his legs and knees.  We did see a little bit, but he said it was concerning.  That is always hard news to hear.  I am praying and praying that maybe he will surprise us when he is born. 

Another Day Down

I figured if we are going to have many pictures from this summer, we better get started taking some each day at the hospital.

Ella trying out my leg massagers.  She told me she was about to have surgery. 

The best part of visiting mommy....

is a daily treat from the gift shop!

We had a good day today.  Kev had some appointments this morning and I spent a little time alone.  Each day I am determined to get up and to feel as normal as possible.  Generally each day someone comes in my room and sees me and says, "Oh, it looks like you are about to be discharged."  I wish!  I always feel better when I am showered, dressed and ready for the day...even if that only involves sitting!

We had several sweet visitors today who helped us pass some time.  We are so thankful for so many sweet, sweet friends who are such a blessing to us. 

We also got to meet with a Neonatologist from the NICU today.  I felt a lot better after meeting her .  I know you can never really know what to expect and having SB will complicate things even more, but I feel like I better know what to expect. She said that every day that he is inside counts.  She did even say that if he comes out breathing on his own he can go straight to the level 2 nursery!!  You can pray about that if you'd like!!

It is really surreal to me that I will be having a baby (my very last baby)  in less than 3 weeks.  This has been such a different pregnancy.  Normally, I would have everything completely ready for the baby. Tiny clothes would be washed in Dreft and waiting.  Packs of tiny, sweet smelling Swaddler diapers would be lining the closet.  I would have been nesting for weeks.  Our home would be clean and organized.  There would be matching big sister and little brother shirts.  There would be some new toiletries and a new Bath and Body lotion for me, carefully packed in my hospital bag.  There would probably be tears and extra close snuggles, as I treasured my last night with Eliza being the baby.  Needless to say, this is all so different and none of that really matters at all.  I know the feeling will be the same the moment I see my baby! 

31 Weeks

I haven't taken many pregnant pictures this pregnancy.  I figured I better while I still can! 

My two favorite visitors.  Poor daddy...he dressed Ella in Eliza's shorts and I have no clue what Eliza is wearing.
He did try and he did bring bows for me to fix their hair.  Too bad he brought Eliza a red bow for her mismatch outfit!  This definitely made me laugh and brightened our day!

The soon to be big sisters!! Poor Eli...he has no idea what is waiting for him!


Well, the good news is that another day is almost over.  I look at the clock every evening and say, "Yes, this day is over!"   So far so good! 

Monday almost to 31

Today has been a good day at the hospital.  Well, as good as a day of hospital bedrest can be!  We were thankful to have some sweet friends come and visit us today and that helped to make the day pass faster.  Daddy went home tonight to spend some time with our girls and gather some needed supplies. 

I will be 31 weeks tomorrow.  So far things continue to be stable with no signs of a problem.  I am trying my best to get further, but there is really not much I can do at this point.  Our nurse told us last night that about 50% of women deliver within the first week of PROM(premature rupture of membranes) and another 50% will deliver in the second week.  Some make it even further.  Really, no one knows how long it will be. 

We met with a developmental pediatrician and nurse from the Spina Bifida clinic here this afternoon.  We had planned to go visit on the next clinic day just to get an idea of what it is like...but obviously we aren't going to make it so they came to visit us.  It is overwhelming when I think that once we get through the delivery and all the NICU issues, we are just beginning our journey with Spina Bifida.  I am continuing to pray for the best as any parent would. 

So, that was our day. Here's to 31 weeks tomorrow! 

Buying Time

Thankfully yesterday was a much quieter day in the life of our family.  Kev and I spent the day with him laying in the hospital chair reclined and me in the bed.  He is very bruised and very sore. Yet,  I continue to be so thankful that he was able to walk away from such a terrible accident.  When I look at the pictures of the accident on-line and from the news I cannot believe it is our car that I am looking at.  I also cannot believe that he was in there.  I am so thankful that he is alive and only just sore and bruised.

Things with Eli seem to be pretty good so far.  I have received both of my steroid shots to aid in his lung development and they have both had time to take full effect. I have been on antibiotics since I got here and so far there are no signs of infection.  My contractions seem to be laying low today, which is good.  It is hard because we are just waiting....pretty much waiting for something to go wrong and immediately off to surgery I will go.  I don't really like the idea of an emergency C-section, but I guess nothing about this pregnancy normal.

I feel so torn.  I know Eli needs as much time as possible to grow and gain weight inside of me, but being here is really hard!  I think knowing that I could possibly have another 3 weeks and two days before my c-section plus my recovery days plus all of Eli's NICU days....I am thinking I may never leave.   The doctor did say this morning that starting tomorrow I can have some wheelchair privileges around the hospital and maybe a short time outside for my sanity.  That sounds really nice....this little room is getting really little! 

I am also a bit of a germaphobe at a hospital.   I hate for anything to touch the floor.  I just never feel like anything is clean.  I am just plain paranoid!  Not a good thing when this is your living quarters for a while. I may be requesting my own can of Lysol before this is all over!!
The hardest part of it all is missing my girls.  I miss them terribly even though they have come for several short visits so far.  Ella brought me about 15 pictures she had colored and I couldn't help but cry.  We are really trying our best to keep them in a normal routine with as little change as possible.  This is best for them as well as mommy and daddy. 

Finally, Happy Father's day to my wonderful Dad!  You once again exemplified why you are such a great dad on Friday when you sprinted down hwy. 61 to get to Kevin right after his accident (traffic was very backed up and he had to park and run a ways to the scene of the accident).  We are so thankful for your unconditional love for all of us. 

If we've ever needed you....

If I have said it once I have said it several times in the past few weeks, "I am so thankful that I don't know ahead of time what a day will hold."  God gives His grace when it is needed and not ahead.  Before you worry, Eli is still tucked away inside and things are going well so far with him. 

Kev left the hospital today around 12:45 to run home and see our girls who were missing mommy and daddy, pick up a few things we needed at the hospital and take a shower.  My mom, older sister, and niece came to visit with me while he left for a bit.  He also had plans to drop by Costco for diapers, milk and apple juice...you know the necessities!  He walked out the door and told me he loved me as he closed the door.

At 1:02 my cell rang and it was Kev.  He said in a very shaky voice, "Julie, something bad has happened.  I have been in a terrible wreck.  I am hurt very badly."  I think I first thought he was joking because if you know Kevin, it would be possible....although he wouldn't normally do something like that with me in pre-term labor.  Then I could hear the fear in his voice and said, "We have to call 911 not me!"  It was one of those freak out moments that you never want to live.  I tried asking him where he was hurting, if he was bleeding, and said over and over that I loved him and I needed him to be okay.   He said he was hurting and bleeding a lot and thought he might be bleeding internally.  My mom called my dad and told him to get there asap and they tried to calm me while I talked to him.  I could hear sirens in the background.  He then started getting confused and was asking me where he was going and if I was still at the hospital on the 5th floor.  I was really getting concerned because he was getting very disoriented.  I then heard the medic get to him and tell him that he was lucky and that the car that had hit him head on had a fatality.  I knew it was bad and I don't know if I have ever felt so helpless in my life.

I sat on my hospital bed and his cell phone died.  His phone charger was one of the items on the list to get from the house.  Thankfully, my dad arrived on the scene and we were able to talk to him as he was with Kev.  He was bleeding really badly from his face and nose and they had to cut him out of our SUV which was totaled.  They put him in the ambulance and brought him to the same hospital that I was at.  It was misery being confined to my room knowing he was down in the ER hurting.  Thankfully, as always... God provides the fellowship of believers.  As soon as texts and messages were sent out friends gathered in the ER waiting area to be with him.  Friends and family gathered with me in my room.  I called my dad probably 100 times trying to get updates.

They did a CT and X-ray and it looked good PRAISE THE LORD!!  He is really really bruised and really really sore.  He has bruises where his seat belts restrained him.  His nose is swollen and cut and he has several abrasions.  Thankfully, after several hours he walked to my room wearing a pair of paper scrubs and looking a little different from the man who exited my room five hours earlier. 

I have never in my life been so glad to see his face to hold his hand and love on him.  He was stinky (sorry babe) and so was I. Neither of us had showered in two days (which I must say is not the norm).  He was bleeding and had blood on his clothes, skin, and shoes.  He was worn-out and still a bit in shock.  I thank God that even though it feels like we are in the midst of such strange and on-going trials and testing...that he provided protection for my sweet and Godly husband.  I praise the Lord...oh I praise the Lord,  that our girls were not in the car and I thank the Lord that he is going to be okay.

He is heartbroken over the life that was lost today.  Even though the wreck was not at all his fault....the other driver ran over a concrete median and hit him head on....he is so burdened for this man's family.  He has said over and over...I know where I am going, it should have been me.  Once again, I praise the Lord for his protection over Kevin.  His driver side airbag did not deploy although the passenger side did.  We don't know why but I am so thankful that he is okay.

Now if all of today's events didn't throw me into labor, I am thinking little Eli might just be good to hang for a while.  I think I even forgot for a while today that I am pregnant! If you feel inclined we would covet your prayers for for Kevin.  He is going to be really really sore in the next few days.  Please pray for the family of the man who lost his life today.  I cannot imagine.  Please pray for a hedge of protection around our family.  Life will settle down again, right???  I think I am forgetting what normal feels like.

If we've ever needed You
Lord, it's now, Lord, it's now
We are desperate for Your hand
We're reaching out, we're reaching out

All our hearts, all our strength
With all our minds, we're at Your feet
Let Your church arise, let Your church arise

Admitted

It is 8 o'clock and I am typing from a bed I hadn't planned on laying in today.  Last night I started thinking that I might be leaking a little fluid.  I am sorry, I am sure that is way TMI and it is way more info. than I normally would share.  Well, it is part of the lovely pregnancy journey.  I really wasn't convinced though.  I am not one to over-react and I was hoping that it was only my bladder that couldn't take the pressure of a little head sitting on it for the fourth time and well you know.  Now that is really TMI!  I knew today that I needed to get checked even though my normal weekly appointment would have been tom. 

I really didn't think it was my fluid...perhaps I was in denial.   Thankfully, I think the Lord prompted me to get a few things together this morning just in case.  I am so glad now.  Sure enough, it was my fluid leaking.  I think we are still in shock that I will not leave the hospital until Eli has arrived.  I am 30 weeks and 3 days.  I am praying to get to 32.  If I make it there and further, they will deliver him at 34 weeks which is July 12.  Honestly, I feel a little doubtful that I will make it there.

I am all hooked up to the monitors and we are listening to little Eli's heart beating away.  I have started contracting some...about every 13-20 min.  I am praying that they will stop soon.  I have my IV and have been reintroducded to my old pal "Mag" or magnesium...seems like it hasn't been that long since we spent a few long nights together.  If you've never had it, it makes you feel like you are on fire from the inside and makes me really nauseous.  So far so good.  I think I will only be on it for 12 hours.  I am also on a few antibotics and I have recevied my first steriod shot to help Eli's lungs. 

I cannot help but think that God continues to be at work in our lives.  Once we were admitted and the nurse was taking us to our room she said it was room 9.  I knew immediately that room 9 was the very room that I spent a very long and painful night in 5 1/2 years ago.  It is the room that I delivered my first child in.  It is the only place I ever saw him and the only place that he was ever alive.  I never thought I 'd ever grace the doors of room 9 again. 

If that is not God ordained enough, we got into the room and saw on the board that our Nurse's name was Becky.  Sure enough, it was the very sweet and caring nurse Becky who guided me through my first ever labor and delivery.  She was such an amazing nurse that day and her care meant so much to us.  She was the very person that I handed my precious newborn baby to for the last time ever.  She remembered us immediately as well.  I was able to once again thank her for helping us through a very hard day many years ago. 

Okay, so I can only think that God is going a head of us and walking with us on this journey.  Thank you for your prayers.  I miss being at home tucking in my girls in their beds already.  Please pray for Eli that he can hang in there a little while longer!

Oh and one more thing!! Last week they were unable to get an accurate measurement on his left ventricle due to positioning.  We knew today that it would have been almost two weeks since we'd gotten a measurement.  Today it measured 14 which is exactly what it measured two weeks ago.  It is the first time we hadn't seen an increase since my surgery. We were very thankful for that!  His right ventricle is still holding stable at 9.  They also estimated him to weigh around 3lbs 2 oz.  He will be a peanut for sure. 

Thanks again for your prayers for Eli and our family!

Getting out of the boat...

Kev and I are in the midst of trying to discern God's plan for our family.  As most of you know we found out a few months ago that his job of 10 years was ending due to the company closing the local office.  Let me back up a bit.  My husband Kevin has worked in small business sales for almost ten years now. He is really good at it.  Sales comes very naturally to him since he loves talking to people and is a hard worker.  He has been successful and has moved up in his company as much as he wanted too. 

A few years ago after we lost Samuel, the Lord placed a very clear call in Kevin's heart for full-time ministry.  It is so funny to me because I always for some strange reason thought I would grow up and marry a preacher...maybe because my dad has been a pastor all my life..maybe it was the Lord.  Anyways, when I met Kevin and knew he was God's plan for my life he had no plans of being a preacher.  I was actually really good with that plan.  I had complete peace about marrying him and just figured I'd misheard God's voice, and once again, I was really good with that.

Being in the ministry is very different from having a normal job.  I know this well from growing up my entire life in a pastor's family.  You don't choose a church or ministry job based on which one pays the most.  You don't choose to move your family to a new city because you "like" the area.  You choose to make those decisions based on the Lord's leading.  As a child I saw my parents do this many times.  I also experienced many, many blessings based on their faithfulness and obedience to the Lord.

Okay, back to my title.  So, Kev has been working full-time, going to seminary, teaching Sunday School. helping with our youth group, and most recently hired on part-time at our church to work to get small groups organized for families.  He has a lot of irons in the fire so to speak.  He is constantly busy trying to serve.  His full-time sales job was really just our income and insurance.  It was not his passion or his calling.  Yet, income and insurance are really important when you have a soon to be family of five.

I am getting somewhere....I think!  We have been really praying and trying to discern what God's plan is for Him as far as a job.  A door has opened and some have closed.  This weekend we spent a lot of time talking and praying over this.  All weekend my mind kept going back to the story when Peter got out of the boat and walked on water to Jesus (Matt. 14:22-33).  It is a story I have heard over and over throughout my life, but this weekend the Lord kept bringing it to my mind.

Kev is so much more like Peter than I am.  He would totally be the disciple to get out of the boat.  Me on the other hand....I really like the security and comfort of the boat. I really don't like the water and I would be one of the terrified ones sobbing in the boat.  Our personalities are very different, which usually is a very good thing. 

As the Lord brought this story to my mind over and over this weekend I kept thinking...."Lord, getting out of the boat is hard enough  for me when the water is smooth and clear.  It is quite a different thing to get out of the boat in the midst of a terrible storm."  To be honest, getting out of the boat seems quite contrary to what I want to do.  It also seems a little reckless and like those huge waves might be more than I can handle. 

I had to go back and re-read Matthew 14 to remember that it was the wind that also caused Peter to be afraid and lose his footing too.

When I got home this evening and opened our mail from yesterday there was a card inside.  It was sent to us from a lady who I have never met but who has been praying for us. This is what the card said, "I BELIEVE if Jesus calls me to get out of the boat, He is going to be there to help me walk on the water.  If I start to sink, which I sometimes do, He'll reach His hand down and He'll lift me up.   God will give you everything you need to do everything He has called you to do.  You are in His hands and in His will, and there is no better place to be."