Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Reading her new book in her new chair!
He's gonna love this!
Box says,"When you want to go out on a date."
Inside were gift cards for our fav. restaurants!
He's a great gift giver!
I hate this pic. is blurry! E thinks her
daddy is way cool!
e and mommy on Christmas morning!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Whew! yesterday was one of those days you would rather just mark off the calendar. I woke up in the night on Fri. feeling very nauseous...I kept telling my self to go back to sleep...hopefully I was dreaming. Well. I woke up on sat. morning to realize it hadn't been a dream and in fact I had caught a dreaded stomach bug! I hate...I mean I detest...with everything in me... a stomach virus. I literally did not get out of bed all day except to...well you know and to try to take a shower in which i almost passed out. I am so thankful to have woken up today feeling 100% back to normal. (Now my dad and sis have it...sorry!) Aren't you glad these things aren't short...I mean literally I think if it had been any longer I'd just told kev to shoot me and put me out of my misery! Thankfully most trials in life are somewhat similar...they come...and they hit hard but thankfully with the Lord's strength we recover and regain our strength.
We had a great morning at church. Since I was feeling so so much better I was ready to get out of the house. Our Sunday school lesson was on 1 Samuel:1 which is one of my favorite passages in the Bible. I remember ready it...probably really reading it for myself..the summer of 2000 when I worked at a summer camp. I still have my thoughts that I jotted in my bible. This was pre-marriage/pre-kids but even then I was amazed at what Hannah did. I found it hard to believe that a mother who wanted a child so much....that her crying and anguish was thought to have been drunkenness would be willing to totally and completely consecrate her child back to God. I'm sure you all realize that this is one of the reasons we named our Samuel.....Samuel. I had no choice in giving him back to the Lord....but Hannah did. What faith and commitment to the Lord. If it would have been me I'd tried to forget that I'd promised to give the child back to the Lord or probably tried to delay the weaning until he was like....grown. But she was faithful and I wonder if in heaven every time a woman who is struggling through the loss of a child or through infertility reads her story she realizes the impact that her faithfulness God has had!
In closing...I love children's books! I love how simple they are...how they make you think! I read this one the other day and loved it. I'd thought you'd enjoy it too. I can't wait to read it to e as she grows. I can just hear the conversations we will one day have about heaven...when she is old enough to realize that she has a big brother who is already there. I hope you like it! The cover is at the top... as I can't figure out how to get it here!
God Gave Us Heaven
A children's book written by Lisa Tawn Bergren
"Papa, what's heav'n?""Why, heaven is God's home... the most amazing place we'll ever get to see.""More amazing than Glacier Bay?" Little Cub asked. "Glacier Bay is the best place ever.""Yes, Little Cub. Even better than Glacier Bay. God has great plans for you, Little Cub.""For me?""For you. Both here, and later, when we get to heaven. God loves us and never wants to be far from us. He's made a way for us to be with him forever, in heaven.""When do we get to see heaven, Papa?""When our life here is over.""When we die?""Yes, Little Cub, when we die.""Will I be old like Grandma when I go to heaven?""I hope so, Little Cub. I hope you get to live a long and full life before you see heaven. But some of us get to see it sooner than others.""They do? How come?""They get sick or something bad happens. But the good news is that no matter what bad things happen here, nothing bad happens in heaven!""Nothing bad at all?""No more tears, no more sadness, no more pain. Only good. Only smiles!"Little Cub thought on that for a while. "Will we eat in heaven?""Will be eat? Will we eat! We'll have more food than we need! It'll be the best of all polar bear feasts!""Every day?""Every single day.""What else will we do in heaven?""Worship God and explore the best place we've ever seen.""Will we get bored of that?""I doubt it. Heaven will be a million times better than even this!""Can we take our stuff to heaven?""No, we won't need our stuff there, Little Cub." He paused and lifted her backpack from her shoulders. "Feel how heavy that is? Doesn't it feel good to have it off of you?"Little Cub nodded."Sometimes we think we need stuff, but it's just more weight for us to carry. Our best stuff doesn't weigh anything at all- stuff like love, family, friends, and faith. That's where our real blessings are.""What will God look like, Papa?""Hmm... you know what Mama looks like? How she looks like love to us? God will be like that...""Cept a hundred times better!""Exactly!""Will we be angels?""No. Only angels are angels. God made us polar bears for a reason.""Shoot. I want to fly."Papa laughed. "Me too. But you never know what we'll get to do in heaven. I bet we'll think it's even better than flying.""Will I get to see you in heaven?""I think so, Little Cub. I think we'll see all our loved ones there. It will be like the best family reunion ever.""How do we get there, Papa? To heaven, I mean.""Hmm... Let's say this side of the canyon is life here, on earth. And that side over there- where we find the path home- is heaven. God knew that our bad choices might keep us from him forever. Might even wash us away! He didn't want that. He loves us too much. So he sent his very own Son, Jesus, to be our bridge. All we have to do is walk across it to head toward our forever home."Little Cub thought on that. "I like Jesus," she said."So do I, Little Cub. So do I.""Will I have a room in heaven?""Oh yes, there will be many rooms in heaven.""Will it be as cozy as mine?""The coziest ever, Little Cub.""Will I sleep in heaven?" she said with a yawn.It had been a very big day. Papa yawned too and they giggled together."Heaven will be full of all the things we love most," Papa said. "And right now, sleep sounds heavenly to me."Little Cub went to sleep and dreamed of seeing God and his angels, of singing and smiling all day long. Of her best friends and her whole family being with her forever. Of playing, of laughing, of everything good. And she was glad, so glad, that God had given them all heaven.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas is such a wonderful time of the year and yet for many it can be a difficult time as well. As loved ones adjust to spending this special time of year without the ones they love. It is never far from my mind on Christmas day...what is going on in heaven! I wonder what my little almost 3 year old little boy is doing today! Oh I wish I could see! I know my mind cannot comprehend the grandeur of a Christmas in Heaven. I mean it has to way top even the best and most beautiful sights this world can think up! I also know it is way better than anything Kev or I could buy or put together. I found this poem the first Christmas after we lost Samuel and I've liked it since. Maybe it will be comforting for those who are dreaming of a Heavenly Christmas as I am today!
My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So I got home and my cell phone rang and it was my ob. She said that the pathologist had called her this morning and something odd showed up in the pathology report. She said I needed to be checked asap and that most likely it was just a contamination in the report but that it could indicate a serious problem for me. Oh great! So off i flew to the doc. My dad babysat e and my mom went with me. I think my nerves and my mom's are about shot but luckily we were able to make ourselves laugh while we waited. Evidently the report could have signified that some of my bowels were sucked into my uterus during the procedure and if that were the case I would be well as she said...close to death at this point. I had told her on the phone that I had been feeling okay and did not feel near death but I think she just had to see me to believe it herself. So more lab work and an ultrasound and good news...looks like I am not dying after all. I tell you if it is rare... I mean like never happens to anyone else... chances are it'll happen to me. My Doc. just called back and said my labs look normal. Praise the Lord for another good report!
So maybe life can calm down just a little for me to wrap my head around the fact that tom. is Christmas Eve. I mean I don't want to be so flustered, busy and consumed with my own concerns that I miss it...
You know a year can make a big difference in one's life. I remember Dec. of 2006. We'd spent the entire year after losing Samuel trying to get pregnant. We even had our second IUI done at 10am on Christmas eve..not because that was our timing but because it was my body's timing. I was worn out yet hopeful. We didn't get pregnant that cycle either but you know what it was just around the corner. If only on December 24th 2006 I could have seen myself on December 24th 2007! I would have seen that God's timing was perfect...that I had the baby girl that I'd always prayed for...I would have seen the blessing! I keep reminding myself of that as I know that this Christmas may not look exactly like I had planned...I'd planned to be 12 weeks pregnant and glowing..but God knows what He has going on. I only wonder what we will be on December 24th, 2009! Don't loose faith.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you." Is. 43:2
"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28
"Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name."Ps. 142:7
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season." Ps. 1:3
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Ps. 147:3
"So do not fear, I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Is. 41:10
"And I heard a loud voice form the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. he will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev. 21:3-4
"But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me." Ps. 22:19
Seek God in your darkness and He will be your light.
Seek God in your questions and He will be your answer.
Seek God in your anger and He will be your peace.
Seek God in your sorrow and He will be your comforter.
Seek God in your uncertainty and He will be your confidence.
Seek God in your sin and He will be your redeemer.
Seek God in you forgiveness and He will be your salvation.
Seek God in your salvation and He will be your eternity.
Wow...blogging is pretty therapeutic...I am feeling better already.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Yesterday went as well as possible. We arrived at the hospital at 1:00 and the surgery was set for 3 pm. Well around 1:30 they took me back to my small little waiting room to prep me. Kev had to sit in the waiting room while they did that. I got changed into my lovely hospital attire and they told me to wait for my nurse. Well the river of tears began and the reality of the day hit. I cried and cried and when my nurse came in the first thing she said was, "Honey who did you bring with you today...I'll go get him." Once Kev got back there I felt better! What would I do without him. They got the IV going and put on some fancy leg warmers..they called it a leg massage (to prevent clotting) those things drive me crazy. So I was preparing for 3 o'clock. Well three came and went and finally around 3:45 the anesthesiologist came in and said the surgery was now set for 5! Whew....more waiting. The IV kept me busy..having to go the bathroom every 15 min....my poor nurse. My dad arrived and waited with us...my mom was busy chasing e all day. My dad has a very calming effect...I guess it is from years of hanging with people during difficult events! He prayed with us and chatted and stayed with kev until I was in recovery. Finally around five they came and got me. I was nervous...mainly just about being in the OR. I have a weird thing about hospitals...they freak me out a bit. I used to be terrified of needles...I mean I almost didn't go to college because I had to get 3 shots...no kidding. Well, the past 4 years have cured that fear for sure.
They wheeled me back and I remember my sweet doc. leaning over and telling me she was there. I love her. She has been there for me on the hardest days of my life. If you need a good OB/gyn in my area she is great! Then they gave me oxygen and off to dreamland I went. I think the procedure was about 30 min. and went well. I woke up very groggy in recovery and felt like I was dreaming. I got back to the room and got my favorite hospital treat...cold apple juice with crunchy ice cubes. I wasn't able to eat all day so I was hungry! The nurses dressed me...yes that was very weird...and wheeled me out! It was over my 10 week pregnancy was over.
I have to say that for someone who has such fear and anxiety about pregnancy...I love being pregnant. It is such an exciting and hopeful time as you begin to know that you family is growing. We need direction about what we need to do. We both want and long for a big family. We both always have. I am beginning to question if that is God's plan for us or just ours. I don't know why we have had such a hard time growing out family. It seems as though it is easy for so many...yet I know it has been very difficult for others as well.
I feel pretty good today. Just pretty sore but better than I expected. I am sad that once again we are back to square one...but hopeful as to what the future will hold as we try to remain faithful to the Lord. I love my dad's def. of faith. It is trusted in and holding to Jesus when people, situations, and circumstances say otherwise. And there is nothing that pleases the Lord like exercised faith. I pray we will be found faithful...even when we don't understand.
I'm gonna lay on the couch some more and find me a good Christmas movie to watch. Have a good night.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
So Fri. is almost here and hopefully it will give us more direction! As I have prayed I have asked the Lord for a miracle...not just a little miracle but that He would show Himself and Powerful tomorrow. That there would be no way to explain the growth of this baby other than the fact that God did it! He is the God of the impossible. But if God chooses to take this baby on to heaven...still I will trust Him.. still I will Love Him, still I will worship Him as Mighty and Powerful and Good and Loving! Praying for my Christmas miracle tom.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Can't you tell he loves me taking pics. in public!
ready to eat!
Aren't you impressed! He even did the dots like the
cookie co. does!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Us in Tuscon Arizona
San Diego, California
One of the only pic. we have of when I was preg. with
Samuel. What a great husband who was with me every step
of the way!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
I wanna play outside too!
The Grandkids...for now!
The girls minus Jess...:(
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Back to Nov. 7th, we arrived at my ob office for my 20week ultrasound followed by an appointment. I had taught school all day and could hardly contain my excitement! I was dying to know if we were having a boy or a girl. My pregnancy so far had been picture perfect. Little morning sickness, great appointments, and I was just so excited to be having our first child. I could hardly focus enough to teach my class of first graders throughout the day. I remember as I left school that day my teacher friends yelled down the hall, "Call us as soon as you find out!" We were all excited.
Only God knew what was coming! I'll fast forward to the ultrasound. After a few minutes I began to realize that something was not right. The tech was asking me some questions like...had I been sick...had I leaked any fluid..and a few more...all to which I answered no. Then she began to tell us that she was concerned because I had very very little amniotic fluid! I began to panic and squeeze K's hand as she continued to scan. I really didn't know what this meant. I guess the worst thing I was thinking was perhaps a child with a mental disability, downs syndrome, or perhaps a physical handicap..and at the moment that seemed devastating...but I would soon find myself wishing it was only one of those things.
Of course the doc. was called in and told us that this was most likely one of two conditions. One that was a genetic condition...meaning K and I would both have to be carriers or another condition that is NOT genetic but has no reason for it's cause...they call it a FLUKE! Okay so what does this mean for us for my baby??? They wanted us to go to another Doc. for a higher risk ultrasound that day but because of the time they could only get us in the next morning.
We went to my parents house that night...just to shaken to go home. We began to research these conditions and what we found was that both were always fatal. Babies with these conditions do not survive..do to many issues at birth. Totally scared and just in shock....I remember thinking these kinds of things aren't supposed to happen to me! We went to the appointment the following morning. I was so nervous, anxious...I felt like I was going to throw-up! I'll never forget as they scanned ... it was hard to see our baby. Since this was my first pregnancy I had nothing to compare it to...but it was so hard to really see what was what due to the low fluid levels. But as the doc. scanned he went over the face of our baby and there we could see two little eyes and a little face looking right at us. There it was...my baby...still unsure whether it was a boy or girl...and really that didn't seem nearly as important as it did the day before.
I remember being asked on more than one occasion..."Mrs. Giordano, are you sure you want to continue your pregnancy?" I knew the right answer... yes! Of course I was going to continue my pregnancy...I mean I am a christian. I have always said that was was PRo-life...of course I want to continue this pregnancy. It was my baby for heaven's sake. And yet at this point I began to feel somewhat unattached to my baby. UHHHH...such a hard time in my life. I was carrying this child and yet I knew that I would not get to have this child but for a short time.
The doc. began having me come in every week to listen for a heartbeat because there was a chance that our baby could die in utero. They told me I could sit in an outside waiting room to avoid all the happily expecting pregnant mothers. It just wasn't fair. Week after week our little baby's heart continued to beat strong. I was trying to just make it! There were days when I just so wanted this all to just be over. Over so that I could get my body back and no longer look or feel pregnant...over so that we could try again. As crazy as it sounds I just wanted...needed a baby!
I often though that if I were not a christian I could see how a women when found in a hard situation would choose abortion. Seemed fast and the nightmare would be over! Yet I knew the truth...that God had Knit this baby together in my inmost. That he knew this child and I could trust HIM..that he had a plan, had not forsaken us, and would be with us. I was terrified about the delivery, scared of the unknown..yet the Lord continued to give me peace which sustained me day by day.
I think the Lord knew my anxious heart and I went into pre-term labor at just 33 weeks. and on Jan.31, 2006 I met a my precious little Samuel for a few short hours. Samuel was 3lbs 4oz and way more beautiful than I ever imagined.
I write All this not for your symphathy or condolences...as the Lord has step by step been faithful and true and GOOD to us. I write it because as the elections are over my mind has recently thought so much about the decision I made to carry our child. I without a doubt know that either way my baby would have been okay. I trust that God loves each child no matter how small, wanted, or unwanted. I often think of how I would have been the one to suffer. Had I have not pressed on toward my goal I would have missed seeing my child, missed holding my child, missed having pictures which we cherish, a lock of his hair, and clothes that he wore. I would have missed seeing how God orchestrated events so detailed and perfect for Samuel's birth. I couldn't have done this if I had tried. I would have missed hearing my doctor with tears in her eyes tell me that although she believes in God she did not understand my choice...but after coming to Samuel's funeral and seeing his pictures she understood why we did what we did. I would have felt guilty. I would have wondered what if...I would have regret.
I am thankful that God has used this in my life...almost on a weekly basis. I very often get asked it e is my only child and I always reply that we have a little boy in heaven that we lost at birth. They usually reply...oh I am so sorry. This gives me an opportunity to share my faith by saying, "It was the hardest time of my life but the Lord got me through and has blessed us with a beautiful baby girl."
Hopefully this will encourage someone when faced with a tough situation to trust God and leave the results to Him. For He does all things well.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
On Tuesday I picked up e's only girl cousin from school. The boys were in the car as well and I was trying to help my sister out as little bit had his 2 week check-up! NO one should have to go to the doc. with 4 children in tow. Okay, back to my story. E has a doll that we keep in the car for entertainment purposes. It has a cute little hat attached by a string. So when we got in our car yesterday... many hours later...I noticed that the hat was now unattached. I said, "e did you get this hat off?" Then in her cute little way she said AAAAADEEEE. She can say her cuz's name but I was just very curious if she really understood.
So last night I asked A who took the hat off (not that I care at all if the hat comes off) and she said she had on the way home from school. I was surprised that e was able to understand and answer me. Maybe she knows more that she lets on at times!