7 years ago today I was on the verge of becoming a mom for the first time. My tummy and other body parts were huge, I had counted down each and every week since I first saw those two pink lines, I had been having contractions for weeks and I knew my life was about to change forever.
There was no nursery ready and waiting, no happy baby shower, no crib, stroller, freshly washed tiny baby clothes hanging in the closet, or even a diaper in the house. The question still loomed if this would be a baby boy or a baby girl and late at night when the house was quiet we would talk about if we thought it would have red or blond hair.
One might think that this little one was not wanted, due to the lack of our preparation, yet that was entirely not the case. We'd planned, worked, saved and even calculated calendar months all in preparation for this little one. The waiting to start a family had been longer than what I might have wanted at times, but we were determined to get out finances to the point where I could stay at home. So yes, this little one was greatly wanted.
At my twenty week ultrasound a young and rather naive couple who was ready to shout the news of a boy or girl to the world, instead slipped silently out of a side door with tears still streaming. That day, the office, the doctor, the circumstances are still fresh in my mind. It was my first real personal taste of this hard, sinfilled world. The one that doesn't always end in happily ever after.
So here we were 13 weeks later and waiting. Waiting to welcome a baby who wouldn't survive. We didn't know how long we would have or how the events would play through, but we knew that God had given us this child that we had prayed for and we would love it the best we could for every second or minute that we had.
I was a scared first time mom. Scared of needles, hospital beds, epidurals...but I was even more scared of death, funerals, and how I would ever hand over my baby.
This story...Samuel's story is one that has so many parts. It has reached and marked our little family in so many ways. Seven years later I still do not understand the whys, and we all still miss what I imagine to be a fresh-faced, blue eyed, reddish blondish haired 7 year, old kicking soccer balls and keeping his little sisters and brother in order. What I would give to see what he would be like today.
What I do know is that God took a naive, young couple and put them to a big test and taught them that He could be trusted. Not just in the big things, but in the little details of hard times. He was teaching me a deeper trust and sacrifice of my life, one that I had not yet experienced on my own. He was preparing me, preparing us for our future.
God's ways are not mine. I see so little and He sees it all.