Oh, baby blues...

Today has been my hardest day since Eli was born.  This being my fourth pregnancy, I am well acquainted with the baby blues.  I even know how bad it can feel to bury your baby 3 days after delivering him, while facing the onset of a huge change in hormones.  Today I can do nothing but cry.  Generally, I am not a crier.  I have done nothing but cry today.  Some say that pregnancy is a beautiful thing...and I agree that God growing a little human life over 9 short months (or sometimes less) with all it's complexities, is a truly beautiful thing.  But let me make one thing clear....the aftermath of pregnancy is no beautiful thing. 

In fact, I don't know if I have ever felt so physically unattractive. Maybe plain ole ugly is a better word and no I am not looking for any compliments...I am just being honest.   If you are a man, only because I know my dad occasionally reads my blog (when my mom tells him he should :) you might want to just skip this next paragraph.   My body is just plain swollen.  I have never had this happen so bad with my other deliveries.  I guess it has something to do with having a c-section.  My ankles, hands, legs, face....all swollen.  My ankles are the worst.  My toes don't even look like my toes.  Then there are the parts of your body that change so that you can nourish your newborn baby.  I always have a hard time with this part.  When my milk arrives it arrives with a vengeance.  I was prepared....but I HATE this part.  There really is no relief so far.  I have read everything there is to do and I have tried it all over the years....hot compresses, frozen ice packs, hot shower, even cabbage leaves.  I think things are different this time since I am exclusively pumping for now.  I can tell that pumping just isn't as effective as nursing.  And yes, I have a great and expensive pump!  Then there is the clothing issue.  I really look about 6 months pregnant still at this point.  I have about 20 staples in my stomach and nothing covers or is comfortable.  I can assure you that one thing I will not do is put back on one of the four outfits I wore in the hospital!!   Sorry for venting ...but I really think that sexually active teenagers should have to experience postpartum at it's best and they might just reconsider.

Okay, enough about the body!  I do think all of those terrible feelings are generally helped when you watch your little one sleep of spend those first days loving on your new little one.  It doesn't make all the uncomfortableness and body issues disappear, but it does make it all seem worth it.  Today I am also really worried about Eli.  Generally, things have been going well so far.  I called this morning and talked to his nurse and he was able to come off the light therapy and his levels are better.  They are also weaning him down from the oxygen. He was only on about 30% to begin with.   I think they are going to give him a bottle and I will try to nurse him when I get there for his afternoon feeding.  It is hard to let someone give him bottle.  I hate to miss any of his first.  I know we have a lot to be thankful for when compared to what others are facing.

I am really worried about his legs and feet. His legs have very low tone and one appears smaller than the other.  He appears to have little feeling below his thighs and knees.  His feet also appear to have little feeling and are not sensitive at all to touch.  They are floppy and they both turn in.  My mommy heart is having a terrible time even writing this.  It is hard when all you can do is love him and rub those sweet little legs and feet.  I do love each little part of him, just as he is...I just hate for him to have struggles ahead.  It breaks my heart more than anything I think I have ever faced. 

I know there is a lot that can be done to help Eli with bracing, casting, walkers, and wheelchairs...I was just hoping we might be one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go down that path.  We continue to appreciate your prayers for our sweet little guy as we begin to adjust.  Thank you all for your sweet and encouraging comments on both my blog and on facebook.