Sunday, July 17, 2011

Oh, baby blues...

Today has been my hardest day since Eli was born.  This being my fourth pregnancy, I am well acquainted with the baby blues.  I even know how bad it can feel to bury your baby 3 days after delivering him, while facing the onset of a huge change in hormones.  Today I can do nothing but cry.  Generally, I am not a crier.  I have done nothing but cry today.  Some say that pregnancy is a beautiful thing...and I agree that God growing a little human life over 9 short months (or sometimes less) with all it's complexities, is a truly beautiful thing.  But let me make one thing clear....the aftermath of pregnancy is no beautiful thing. 

In fact, I don't know if I have ever felt so physically unattractive. Maybe plain ole ugly is a better word and no I am not looking for any compliments...I am just being honest.   If you are a man, only because I know my dad occasionally reads my blog (when my mom tells him he should :) you might want to just skip this next paragraph.   My body is just plain swollen.  I have never had this happen so bad with my other deliveries.  I guess it has something to do with having a c-section.  My ankles, hands, legs, face....all swollen.  My ankles are the worst.  My toes don't even look like my toes.  Then there are the parts of your body that change so that you can nourish your newborn baby.  I always have a hard time with this part.  When my milk arrives it arrives with a vengeance.  I was prepared....but I HATE this part.  There really is no relief so far.  I have read everything there is to do and I have tried it all over the years....hot compresses, frozen ice packs, hot shower, even cabbage leaves.  I think things are different this time since I am exclusively pumping for now.  I can tell that pumping just isn't as effective as nursing.  And yes, I have a great and expensive pump!  Then there is the clothing issue.  I really look about 6 months pregnant still at this point.  I have about 20 staples in my stomach and nothing covers or is comfortable.  I can assure you that one thing I will not do is put back on one of the four outfits I wore in the hospital!!   Sorry for venting ...but I really think that sexually active teenagers should have to experience postpartum at it's best and they might just reconsider.

Okay, enough about the body!  I do think all of those terrible feelings are generally helped when you watch your little one sleep of spend those first days loving on your new little one.  It doesn't make all the uncomfortableness and body issues disappear, but it does make it all seem worth it.  Today I am also really worried about Eli.  Generally, things have been going well so far.  I called this morning and talked to his nurse and he was able to come off the light therapy and his levels are better.  They are also weaning him down from the oxygen. He was only on about 30% to begin with.   I think they are going to give him a bottle and I will try to nurse him when I get there for his afternoon feeding.  It is hard to let someone give him bottle.  I hate to miss any of his first.  I know we have a lot to be thankful for when compared to what others are facing.

I am really worried about his legs and feet. His legs have very low tone and one appears smaller than the other.  He appears to have little feeling below his thighs and knees.  His feet also appear to have little feeling and are not sensitive at all to touch.  They are floppy and they both turn in.  My mommy heart is having a terrible time even writing this.  It is hard when all you can do is love him and rub those sweet little legs and feet.  I do love each little part of him, just as he is...I just hate for him to have struggles ahead.  It breaks my heart more than anything I think I have ever faced. 

I know there is a lot that can be done to help Eli with bracing, casting, walkers, and wheelchairs...I was just hoping we might be one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go down that path.  We continue to appreciate your prayers for our sweet little guy as we begin to adjust.  Thank you all for your sweet and encouraging comments on both my blog and on facebook. 

11 comments:

Cameron said...

Praying for you guys - I can't even imagine the combination of all your heart (and hormones) are experiencing. My aunt who's a nurse said that she thinks there's a direct correlation between engorgement and crying in the postpartum days. It's almost as if the liquid can't come out fast enough - so you just cry it out! Prayers for you, Kevin, Eli, Eliza and Emma.

Tasha said...

Oh Julie, I know the baby blues can make you an emotional mess, but hang in there. You are such a strong woman and an awesome mommy and I know God will continue to get you through each day. Praying for you and Eli daily and will pray specifically for his little legs and feet.

Heather said...

Praying for you all. It is very difficult to go through the after-delivery phase with your child in the NICU. I found myself crying much more with my son because of it. It felt like all I did was cry for awhile in the beginning. And you have additional concerns. Praying you find peace in His presence and that you are aware that He is with you every step of the way. Praying for his little legs and feet.

Lisa Sandler said...

Continuing to pray for you and your family! Love you all so much (even baby Eli who I have not met). You are such an amazing mother, wife and friend. So wish I could come to Charleston and help you out!!!

carissa said...

you have way more on your post-partum plate than most right now. may the Lord bring you encouragement as only He can. i'm praying that for you. and praying for Eli. it's beautiful to see how much you love and care for him. He is one blessed boy to have a mommy like you. you are the perfect mother for him!

Tiff said...

Praying for you and your sweet family! You are doing a remarkable job, remember that!

Colleen said...

I was super duper swollen after Nate--I think it was a combination of coming off bedrest, and coming off IV fluids. Did you have IV fluids? The pumping was so difficult, and I developed mastitis because I couldn't pump it out. Finally, I had to be readmitted to get a round of Lasix to get some of the fluid off me. It was highly unusual and all the OBs were confused, but it was the lactation consultant's idea, and it worked. It had the risk of drying up my milk, so they put me on meds to increase my milk (which made me crazy, but I digress). So if you keep having this problem, bring up the lasix.

Oh, and I know you're not looking for compliments, but seriuosly from your pictures I am very impressed at how great you look!

Amy said...

http://newborns.stanford.edu/Breastfeeding/MaxProduction.html

Hi Julie, I found this video very helpful when I had to pump after I went back to work. You, Eli and the rest of your family are in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Julie, I just wanted to take a minute to comment and encourage you. I think you are such an amazingly devote and loving Mother. I have followed your journey over the last three weeks or so. I wish I was more like you as you have many Godly traits as a woman. You are patient, joy filled and from your writing a woman living in submission to Gods will. I just wanted to say I think your baby is a handsome lil guy and you are doing an amazing job. Please let me know how to be praying for you. Much love, Julie.

Anonymous said...

Julie - everyone else said all the grown up things so well - so here's my take. Cry away - as much as you want. Vent when you need to - you have an amazing support system of women who love you who will be there in a nanosecond if you need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to you yell. Then pick yourself up, dust off, thank God and go! God knows every emotion you are feeling - and He can handle them all -

You are doing great - God has prepared you "for such a time as this" - but He also knows you are human!

love-
Karen

ps - he sure is one cute little baby!!!

Teresa.hilton said...

Julie,
My heart, tears and prayers go out to you. I'm sorry today's been a hard day. As with others, I can't imagine all of the emotions your heart is experiencing. We know God will continue to give strength when you need it and cuddle you when you ask him to.

Praying for Eli's little legs and feet. Praying for Kevin, Eliza and Emma.