I woke up this morning early and laid in bed for a long time. If I let my mind start going I get way overwhelmed and in way over my head. As thankful that I am for our preliminary good news on the FISH test, I begin to worry that maybe I have given everyone false hope and may have to in a few days be faced with not so good news again. Then my mind wanders to the next six weeks, which may possibly include surgery for both Eli and myself, time aways from home, hubs off of work from a job that is ending, and I begin to panic. Then I begin to worry about Eli and I wonder if I will be a good mommy to a boy. They are so different from little girls. Will I be able to manage his care while taking care of my girls? I worry about him getting picked on as he grows and the bathroom issues associated with Spina bifida. I worry that he may not be able to get married or be a daddy himself one day! My mind easily runs to all the things that I in my own strength really cannot handle.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about blessings and what generally, we as Americans, look to as God blessing us. I am very guilty of desiring a beautiful house, beautiful kids dressed in the cutest fashions, two cars, 3 healthy kids involved in sports and the arts...balanced of course with active church involvement, and maybe even a white picket fence to finish off the package. It seems as we strive for what society and ourselves attribute as the perfect family and when we get there we see it as "being blessed by God." So much that we see as blessings are health and wealth.
I think the contrary is very true as well. When we fall upon hard times, when tragedy and heartache come into our lives, when we are faced with hard choices and disappointing circumstances and our pretty little white fence falls right over....we are often shocked. I am preaching to myself here!! Why am I shocked when hard times are part of this life? Why do we expect it to all go as we planned? Why do we question Him and His character?
It is like we know that life will have trials, but we really don't think they will ever find us. Or we think we have been through a major trial in the past and that surely should get us some kind of pass card for at least the next ten years! ( I really think that I felt like I had some kind of check mark on my card that said, "difficult pregnancy/death of child" Passed in 2006!) I know that might sound crazy, but in my mind I felt like I was probably covered on that one!
The older I get I am realizing that life is just hard. In every life some rain must fall and sometimes it is acquainted with thunder and lightening (thanks dad!) I feel like the Lord is teaching me once again that He doesn't operate as this "world" does. He doesn't give check marks for trials and he doesn't send blessings in proportion to faithfulness and hardwork. His goal is always to reveal himself. His plan is to refine our faith and change us into his likeness. His ways though they sometimes lead you along very unchosen paths, are always the ones in which you find Him. It is only in Him do we really find real "life."
Thanks for bearing with me as I struggle and question my way through. The Lord is teaching me a lot.
1 comment:
Julie, this is such good and important Truth. God is clearly already at work through your testimony. And I do the check mark thing too... You're not crazy (or maybe we both are - ha!). I listened to David Crowder's Shadows song the other day. It says: "when the shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember. When all seems lost and we're falling apart we remember the cost and rest in the shadow of the cross." - I thought it was an amazing way to depict our trials. And what joy there is in knowing that there's rest and peace in the shadow of the cross. Continuing to pray for you guys.
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