Minute by Minute...

I don't even really know what to say except I am trying to hang in there.  This week by far has been probably the hardest of my life.  I really felt that nothing could be worse than when we received Samuel's diagnosis on Nov. 7, 2005. But the rollercoaster of this week compounded with the awareness that in all reality I may be walking this really hard path once again, is almost more than I can handle.

Over and over I keep thinking that this is a terrible nightmare.  One I know all too well.  I can honestly say that I generally am a good pregnant person:  I have little nausea, try to complain little about the discomforts, I have short/easy deliveries, I am a good pusher, I breastfeed... although I can't say it is a joyful process for me, and I am never more thankful than when I am pushed out of the hospital with that baby in my arms. It makes it worth it all.

For someone who for the most part enjoys being pregnant, I HATE IT!!!!  There is nothing worse than something major going wrong in your pregnancy and there is nothing you can do about it.  It is like your body majorly betrays you.   There is nothing worse than gaining 30 or more pounds, feeling uncomfortable in your own body, having your milk come in, deliver a baby, all to be pushed out of the hospital empty handed.  I cannot believe I may have to do this again. There is no joy in this.

I know this blog is turning into a terribly depressing one.  In reality, I need a place to sort out my feelings other than in my head.  To have to endure it once was hard, it was life-changing in a good way, it was a journey, it was God's plan.  To go through it again...I can hardly even imagine.  I know the only way to get through it is day by day, but right now I am going more minute by minute.