Friday

Last night after I wrote the previous post, as I was mopping our dirty hardwood floors, it came to me.  What I really was trying to say is that what I really want is just "the good life."   I often say I want God's will for my life, but probably what I really want is a good, happy, healthy life that God approves of.  I don't know why I expect it to be this way as there is a lot in the Bible about "laying down one's life," "taking up one's cross,"  "dying to self," and suffering.  It is through these things that we are conformed more into the likeness of Christ.

Today has been a sad day for me.  I have felt very weepy at times and scared.  I know without a single doubt that I will love Eli as much as I love my two little cuties who are fast asleep upstairs, but right now I am struggling to feel connected to him.  I am scared to love him.  I am scared to lose him.  I am scared about all that is to come. 

We are still waiting on our final amnio results.  We hope they will be back at the beginning of the week.  All of my medical records are being evaluated at Vanderbuilt, as they are trying to decided if we could even qualify for the prenatal surgery.  When I was 35 weeks pregnant with Eliza I was diagnosed with IUGR.  The doctors are carefully evaluating her pregnancy and the placental pathology reports to see if this might disqualify us.  With the surgery, one of the biggest risks is preterm labor.  On average babies are generally born about 8-10 weeks following the surgery. 

If we get good results on the amnio, I will have an ultrasound in about a week and a half and we would leave for Vanderbuilt a few days later for our consult.  No lie, this surgery scares me to death.  I read tonight that it is a hip to hip incision followed by strict bed rest for 3 weeks.   The remaining portion of the pregnancy would be moderate bed rest.  I would most likely be in a wheelchair if we went out of the house for any period of time.  Needless to say, if we do have the surgery, this summer is going to look very different for our family. 

I know it would be a sacrifice .  The thought of being away from my girls for a while and not being able to pick them up and hold them just about kills me.  Eliza follows me around the house with her arms up in the air for mommy to hold her.  She is still so tiny and needs her mommy!  Ella is more independent but understands so much more.  She will be worried and will not do good being out of our routine.  Needless to say, I want to enjoy every second of holding them, lifting them, and being on the go with them, while I can. 

If you want to pray for us here are a few specifics:  good amnio results, that God's will would be done concerning the surgery and what would be best for Eli, Kevin's job situation that something local with his same company would open in another dept., for Kevin's class load (he has mid-terms this week and is taking four seminary classes this semester which is a heavy load with everything else he does!!)   Thank you
Julie