Again...

What does one say when in a matter of minutes their world turns upside down? What does one say when their forever is changed? How does one respond to devastation, shock, and disappointment? I should know...I have played this part before.


We are expecting our 4th well technically 5th(due to a miscarriage) baby! This baby was a shock to the system. I found out two days before Christmas at my routine yearly check-up! I had no clue. I had been running a lot and trying hard to get in shape and just figured it had changed my cycle a little. After all it took a year of serious trying and 3 infertility treatments to get one of our sweetie's here. It has always been a journey and we'd always tried before. Never in my wildest dreams would we have gotten pregnant when we were "preventing." it. Things like that just don't happen to us or so we thought!

It wasn't like we didn't want more kids...or I should say one more kid. We always have but for the first time in a long time I felt such a contentment with where we were! I am busy with my girls. I love being a mom of two girls and I am just thankful to have them both. So when we found out that we were in fact expecting and the initial shock wore off...we were thrilled.

Due to our history we never share our pregnancies early. In fact, if it were up to me I might just wait until I delivered and had that baby in my arms to make the announcement. Unfortunately, my body kind of gives it away after a few months. I generally like to wait until after we get to a certain place...past our full anatomy scan to scream it from the mountain tops.

Today was our day! Kev had the day off. We got up early and took the girls for doughnuts which is a big treat at our house. Daddy went with me to take them to Mother's Morning Out at our church and we had plans for a nice lunch date out to celebrate following our appointment.

My stomach was a mess. I had been to the bathroom more times than I could count, which is not anything abnormal for me prior to ultrasounds. They have that affect on me. They can be life-altering. I know this all too well and so does my body! I sweat like it is the middle of summer, yet I am freezing like I need a coat. My poor husband...he is so sweet and always calms me down...or tries too!

As I laid on the table today my fears began to subside as I saw ample fluid around my baby. I saw that he measured perfectly at where he should. His heart was beating and she quickly checked for kidneys! Check...check...and check! Then we saw that he was a boy! A boy!! Finally, our little Eli...who weighed about 5 ounces! I think we both felt nervous and excited about a boy...such a change from having a house of girls.

Then the ultrasound lady was pretty much done and then she kept scanning his spine over and over. I wasn't even nervous. I had finally relaxed and figured she just need a few more angles. Then she said, "I am concerned about the base of his spine." In a matter of seconds my heart was pounding in my chest. She said she needed to get my doctor and wanted to let the other ultrasound girl take a look. That is never a good sign. I sat there squeezing the hand beside me....the strong hand that I have squeezed through more hard times than I wish to count.

It didn't take too long for them to agree that our little Eli has spina bifidia. Seriously!!! How does one have 4 children with two of them having completely separate, non- related, serious, major, birth defects. Spina Bifidia has never once been a concern. I am the girl who has remained on her prescription prenatal vitamins packed with folic acid for the past 5 years. They are a sacrifice of us because they are 40 dollars a month for a vitamin.

I sit here 7 hours later trying to process the events of the day, wanting so badly to wake-up from this nightmare. Feeling in shock. I feel mad that I have to go back to the "Big" hospital tom. and meet with a genetic counselor. I mean, we have done this all before. Really, do we have to do it again. I feel scared about what we will face....death, severe disabilities. I feel completely inadequate to do this again. I am questioning why us. I am sad for Kevin that having a son just doesn't seem to work like we would like. My head is aching, my eyes are swollen and I've eaten far too many doughnuts holes to count today.

I will not doubt in my God and His ability to carry us through whatever we face.  I have experienced Him. I have tasted and known He is Good .  I just didn't want to face this.  I heard the song above yesterday for the first time.  I hope it will encourage you as it has me.