Gloomy

Today was such a gloomy, cold and wet day on the outside, but it it was also a gloomy day for me on the inside.  Just being real here...today I am just sad.  This morning I decided to go through some of our baby clothes to see if we had any that were gender neutral.  As I went through my boxes of all our cute little girl stuff, I just felt so sad and frustrated.  Frustrated that this is most likely our very last baby and all of those special little clothes will remain boxed up.  I don't know if I will ever be able to part with them.  Each little outfit holds such special memories to me.  I felt frustrated that this is probably my last pregnancy and it is such a hard one.  Any excitement and happiness seems to be overpowered by the unknowns.  Instead of enjoying this time as much as possible, I am just trying to get through.  To be honest, I am sad that our Eli will be special needs child. I am sad that he will be different from the other kids in the nursery.  I am sad that he will come into the world with MRI's, ultrasounds, therapies, and such waiting for him.  I am mad that being healthy and taking those expensive prescription prenatals for five years didn't prevent this.  I am just being honest. 

I have spent some time reading blogs of moms who have young kids with spina bifida.  They are both overwhelming and encouraging.  Most of them agree that the hardest time when having a child with spina bifida is the pregnancy.  I know that once I see our little Eli that I will fall so in love with him that I will be willing to move heaven and earth to be the best mommy I can to him.  It is just hard to be there right now. 

After losing Samuel, I really struggled with the fear of losing another child.  I think I was constantly waiting for the sky to fall again.  In the beginning, every little sickness with Ella, was so scary to me.  I am not sure I really slept much her entire first year because I was so scared of SIDS.  Over the years the Lord and I have worked through this fear.  I have learned that every sickness isn't something major and that I have to give my fear of another loss to the Lord.  I know Eli is going to challenge me in an entire new way. 

We have another ultrasound tomorrow.  Please join us in praying that we will receive some good news.