today's thoughts

It's mid-night once again and my house is as quiet as a mouse, and I cannot sleep.  I've always been quite a night owl, but lately my mind won't slow down.  Today I did two of my least favorite things.  I did a huge grocery trip at Wal-mart and I cleaned my entire house.  You can only let those things go so long....and you have to take control.  Those might be the only two things that I won't miss doing while I am on bed rest. 

I feel like I have a lot to get done before we head to Vanderbilt.  Any cleaning out, organizing, de-cluttering has to get done soon or it probably won't for a very long time.  I think that is one of the things I am having the hardest time with right now.  I feel like I have like two weeks to live and then my life will never be the same again.  I know I will go from surgery to bed rest to a newborn with special needs in the NICU.  I feel like the pressure will never let up and the rest of my life will continue at this pace.  I know it is not true, but it is how I am feeling. 

I admit that each day I am all over the place.  One minute I feel full (or maybe not full...maybe more like faultering) with faith.  The next minute I feel overwhelmed and wondering if I will ever get to a better place. 

Today I picked up my records from my doctor so that we could have a copy in hand if we needed it.  It was very interesting to read through them all.  I couldn't help but feel my heart sink each time I read something that said "abnormal."  Abnormal is hard for this overachieving type A personality.  Abnormal is hard period.  I know abnormal will probably be one of the most special blessings of my life....but right now I am grieving abnormal. 

Sorry all my posts have been such a deviation from fun days and cute pics.  I promise they will return again soon...or at least I sure hope so!!