Fears

We had a busy weekend which included Eliza having a fever and Daddy being out of town for school.  He is in the midst of his heaviest load thus far in school and right at the point where he has lots due.  Needless to say, if we'd known what this semester would hold for our family, we'd probably not pushed it.  But, praise the Lord he only has about one month left in this semester!!!  His schooling has been a huge sacrifice for us all. 

We have a big week ahead.  Lots of appointments and a final decisions about the surgery will be made.  I do have to say that over the past week I have felt more like myself.  I am so thankful for that.  I think the thing that I am having the hardest time with is the fact that the surgery doesn't "fix" the problems.  It can help in some big ways, but there is no cure for spina bifida.  I think if I knew I could have the surgery and we'd be good to go...it would be much easier.  I continue to realize that this journey will be a lifelong one.  Some days that is overwhelming.  I just wish this wasn't my reality.

On one hand, if we don't qualify for the surgery...life can continue for about 16 more weeks, with all of the normal pregnancy joys.  Surgery would be done within a day of Eli's arrival and he would have a NICU stay following his surgery.  According to the MOMS study, around 98% of kids who had the surgery post delivery had a brain shunt put in shortly after birth.  This would most likely be a quick reality and something we'd have to monitor and "worry" over for the rest of his life. 

On the other hand, if we do qualify for the surgery, my life will begin to be really different very soon.  To be honest, I am very scared of the surgery.  I'd be scared having major surgery no matter what, but I think because I am pregnant I know that it complicates things a lot.  I fear something going wrong and having to stay at Vandy for the remaining weeks of the pregnancy.  I cannot imagine!  If things go normally, we can return home. If not, I would have to stay there.  To be honest...I also fear dying.  Not death in where I would go and my eternal home.  I feel totally at peace with my trust and faith in Christ's atoning work on the cross.  I just fear not being around to raise my girls and see them grow up.  I think I am just having normal "mommy" feelings but as a mother it is my heart's desire to be there for my family.   (I do realize that they did not lose any moms in the research trial, which is good to know.)   I fear the possible complications from the surgery. I am sure we will learn more about all of this as we talk to many of the surgeons this week.  I fear going into pre-term labor way to early and all of this would be in vain.  I fear the weeks of trying to be so careful to avoid going into labor.  They hope that after the surgery I can get to 34 or 35 weeks.  It sounds so early, but I know it will be a long 13 -14 weeks.

This may sound like a silly post, but it is where I am today.  I keep wondering why.  Why this struggle at this time in our lives?  Why our Eli?  Why did we get pregnant when we were trying not too?  Why does life have to be so hard and why are my pregnancies so very hard?  Why??? 

I know there is a bigger picture here.  I know God is in ultimately in control.  I know He will use this struggle in our lives to encourage others.  I know we will love Eli.  I know in about five years the big picture will be clearer and it will be blessed.  I just know the journey ahead is not going to be easy, no matter which option we choose.  Thank you for your continued prayers for our family.