So far it has been a pretty good week. I think I am beginning to feel more like myself again and less like an emotional train wreck. Maybe I have cried all the tears that I can cry and reality is settling within me. Maybe the Lord is giving me peace. I am enjoying every moment with my girls. I keep realizing that my time to pick them up, carry them in my arms, go out shopping or anywhere alone with them, and give them baths is limited. (I may not really miss bath time all that much though!)
Ella has been pretty clingy these past few days. She only wants mommy to "help" her. We have talked to her a little about Eli having an "owie" on his back and that mommy is going to go to the hospital to get it fixed. I think she is getting a little anxious about it all and I can't say that I blame her. Yet, she is excited about her "vacation" and she cannot wait to pack her clothes. I just wish I was going to get to "vacation" with them.
I was trying to think today of how I cope with hard times. For one, it is very clear that everyone copes differently. This is one thing that Kevin and I clearly learned when we lost Samuel, and one that we are re-learning again.
I cope by planning and researching. I have read and studied more about Spina Bifida than I ever wanted or expected to know. Let's see....there is: hindbrain herniation, Chari Malformation, shunts of various kinds, decompression surgeries, tethered cord surgeries, shunt revision surgeries, there are lesion levels and lesion functions, there are walkers, and standers, and cathing and enema programs...and on and on. I cope by learning all that I can. I want to know what does happen, what might happen, what to expect. I do realize that I will never be able to fully be prepared for this journey, but I like to be informed.
I also like to look to the future. After we lost Samuel, I coped by wanting and desperately needing to have another child. I marked the days off on the calendar. I had it all planned. God's timing was just a little longer...(okay, a lot longer) than mine. I do not know what God is up to in our lives. I do not have a clue what our family will be or look like in five years. I do know a few things that I feel like he has laid on my heart that brings me some hope and encouragement for the future.
I cope by getting up everyday and getting dressed. Sounds simple but when life gets overwhelming sometimes it is easier to want to bury your head in the pillow. I try my best to keep going. I put on my make-up and try to feel good. I want to be at church when there is church. I want to be involved where and when I can. I want to keep living as I would have five weeks ago.
I also cope by praying more. I realize my need for Christ to help get me through little task like sitting in a waiting room full of "happy" pregnant women or trusting in Him when I feel overwhelmed or forsaken. I am continually asking Him to put a hedge of protection around our family and our girls. I am praying that he will provide what we need financially to do all that we need to do. We have seen him begin to answer that prayer and several ways just this week.
Psalm 84
How lovely is your dwelling place, O Lord of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may lay her young, at your altars, O Lord of hosts,
my King and my God.
No comments:
Post a Comment