Happy 33rd Kev!!

Eliza and her daddy!

Hospital days

More hospital days!

Daddy and his BOY!

I never want to see you dressed like this again, but I am so thankful you were with me.

Holding Eli for the first time!

Ella and Daddy in the NICU

Oh those hospital days!

The boys napping!!

Today is Kev's 33rd birthday.  I have been stressed all day because I'd like to have the house clean, dinner cooked, a cake made, and a gift bought and wrapped in a few short hours.  As the morning has progressed I have felt the stress rising, knowing that there is no way I can get it all done and be Betty Crocker home maker, shopper, kid feeder, house cleaner, and birthday party extraordinaire planner all in the hours of this day.  If there is anything that 2011 has taught us and is teaching us is that we cannot do it all or be it all! 

In our eight short years of marriage this one has taken the cake!  If there was ever a year that either one of us would like to get in the car and drive as far away as possible or throw in the towel...it would be this one.  We often laugh that we really didn't know what for better or for worse really meant!  It means a lot and the stress of this year has been really hard on us individually as well as our marriage.  It hasn't been all pretty, but we are continuing to learn what it means to be married, to show grace, and to individually seek the Lord.

I am so thankful that I am married to such a faithful and loving husband.  He has loved me on the days when I was so blown up with fluids from that awful c-section...I seriously felt pretty unlovable.  He has loved me on days when I have lost my temper in frustration and anger.  He has loved me on days when the tears wouldn't stop flowing I couldn't explain why. He has helped me in the middle of night when I  felt so sleep deprived that I couldn't wake up one more time.  He has bought groceries, cooked meals, taken over bathtime,  and helped me try to keep our house in order.  I would have lost my mind these past 7 weeks without him.

I am so thankful for Kev's faith.  His faith that God has a plan for us and for Eli has helped me not to lose mine.  Honestly, I have never seen him express anger over the fact that Eli might never play typical sports or that his son has a disability.  He has reminded me many times that there is so much more in life than sports!  I am so thankful that Eli will have such a strong and God-loving dad to look up to.  I am encouraged that Eli will grow up to be a very normal, yet extraordinary guy because of his dad's influence in his life.

His two little ladies think he is pretty great too! 

So, the house may still be messy (I have been cleaning up messes all day), and dinner may not be hot or even finished, and a cake...we'll we are really trying to lose some pounds, and a gift...it may be delayed until you can watch the kids and I can shop. BUT, I hope you know how much this family needs you and how much you are loved.  

Busy Week

This has been a super busy week of appointments for us.  Eli had his first spina bifida clinic day on Tuesday.  Today we met with the Early Interventionist, went to the brace company to get his hip brace fixed and then Eli and Eliza had a check-up with our regular pediatrician.  Tomorrow is my 6 week check-up and Monday is the dentist.  I must say that it is busy trying to make sure we have everything that each of our littles might need during such busy running around days.  I am sure you moms can understand. 

I am happy to report that so far little Eli is doing well.  He now weighs 8lbs 6oz.  That is a big gain for our little preemie.  I finally have a baby who loves to eat and has big chubby cheeks!!  Thankfully, his head circumference growth is normal. They will recheck it again in two weeks when we see the neurosurgeon.  I am thankful for each day the we go without the need of a shunt.  We will have some bigger tests coming up in November to get a better look at his kidneys, bladder and etc.  I am praying already that it will go well. 

I am exhausted and need to cherish my minutes while the house is calm and quiet. 

His Mat

Last week I was driving home in our van.  Ella and Eliza were sitting in the back and Eli was asleep in the middle.  All was quiet and I was in the zone (paying attention to the road of course).  Ella said from the back, "Mom, can we hear some music?"  I flipped on the radio which was set to our local christian station.  Focus on the Family was coming on.  It is funny how their broadcast can instantly take me back to my childhood days spent sitting in the backseat, while my mom listened in the carpool line.  So funny and strange that I am now the mom.

The broadcast was about Moms in Touch, a program in which moms meet solely to pray for their children.  The founder of the program said something that really stood out to me.  She referenced the passage of scripture found in  Mark chapter 2  where a paralytic man was lowered down from the roof of a crowded house by his friends.

 ¹ A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. ² They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. ³ Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. ⁴ Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on. ⁵ When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”
⁶ Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, ⁷ “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?”
⁸ Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things? ⁹ Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? ¹⁰ But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the man, ¹¹ “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” ¹² He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”

I am sure many of you are familiar with this story as I was.  The friends out of love and faith carried and lowered the paralyzed man down to where Jesus was.  The scripture says that Jesus forgave the man's sins due to "friends" faith and he also healed him physically.  I am not sure why this story brought such new meaning to me...maybe it was because the man was paralyzed, maybe because Jesus healed the man, but it has been on my mind over and over throughout the past few days.

I keep thinking about these very loving friends.  Friends who cared enough to do the hard work of carrying someone who was perhaps heavy or uncomfortable.  Who knows how far or how long they had carried this man in order to get him there.  They were friends who obviously sacrificed their time and their own agendas to get their friend to Jesus.  They were diligent.  They didn't turn around when they saw the room was already crowded.  They were both persistant and creative.  They showed great love.  

I think this story resonated so much with me because I honestly feel like there have been so many carrying our little Eli's mat.  It is evidenced by the line that forms at church of  both men, women, young and old, who just want to seek a peek at our new little guy.  It is evidenced in the eyes filled with tears of those who have lifted our little guy to the Lord over and over throughout the past few months.  It is evidenced on the palm tree in our church's children's building.  It is filled with prayer request sheets on which many have the name Eli, written in sweet little kid handwritting.  It is seen when a child sees him at church and says, "Mom, there's baby Eli" or when they ask me about his legs and how they are doing.  I know they and their families are praying for him in their homes.   It is evidenced by many from all over...some we know and some we have yet to meet who have been so faithful to carry Eli's name faithfully before the Lord. 

When I listened to this story the other day, I was reminded that there are many who have faithfully lifted Eli to the Lord in persistence and diligence.  So many friends who have exercised faith on our behalf.  So many sweet friends who have carried Eli's mat. 

Late Night Thoughts

1.  It is late.  Very late considering it will be a long night.  Kev and I put the girls to bed tonight and then we took our very very messy house to bat!  I think I have cleaned a million times this week, but it was still a terrible disaster. Somewhere in the week I usually give up on the battle.  In fact, it was so bad tonight that Kev even was ready to get it back clean.  Here's to hoping it will still be semi clean by lunchtime tom. 

2.  Eli has to eat in about 30 minutes and I would rather waste 30 minutes on the computer than just barely get into a deep sleep and have to wake back up. 

3.  Both Ella and Eliza slept through the night at about 6 weeks.  Eli says he technically should still be in the womb, so it qualifies him for at least another 6 weeks.  I sure hope not.

4.  Enough about sleep...I am trying to lose these pregnancy pounds.  It is not fun or easy and I am hoping this is the last time I have to lose the weight.  Yes, I know it takes a while, but my wardrobe says...please hurry!!!

5.  Ella loves her baby brother.  Every morning she says, "I haven't got my morning kiss."  She also tells him multiple times a day that he is her best buddy.  She has been really helpful with him and is turning into a great big sister.  I am just praying she doesn't get too confident and try to pick him up on her own.

6.  Eliza has found the terrible two's.  I don't recommend bringing home a newborn with a two year old on the horizon.  You'd think I'd have learned the first time!!! 

7.  Eli is getting chunky.  I can't wait to see how much he weighs at the doctor this week. 

8.  Speaking of doctors...we have his first Spina Bifida clinic day this week as well as him first meeting with the early interventionist that we will be working with.   We will also see our regular Ped.  too.  Lots of appointments this week.

9. I got a new plug in from Bath and Body and it smells of Fall.  I love how you can smell them so well for the first day or two.  Makes me excited for football, pumpkin patch trips, and Christmas music (yes, I do begin listening way to early). 

10.  As I have read lots of friend's posts this week on facebook, my mind keeps thinking that this would have been Samuel's first week of kindergarten.  It is hard to believe that he would already be that old.  Although my mind has been so distracted with our new little boy, there are many days I sure wish my big boy was here to help and teach his little brother the ropes.  Maybe I wouldn't feel so unsure about raising a son if I had done it first.

11.  There are many more random thoughts going through my head...but I am sure that is way more than anyone was interested in knowing.  Time to feed a baby boy who has his eyes open.

One Month

Our little Eli is now one month old.  Technically, I should still be almost 39 weeks pregnant.  I must say that I am glad I am not!!  I am so thankful to have this first month behind us.  It has been a challenge, but not so much due to Eli.  He is the sweetest little thing.  He eats...GREAT!!!  I finally got my good eater!!  Unfortunately, he has had a hard time transitioning from the bottle, so I am committed to pumping!  I am a slave to the pump!  I must say there are some definite advantages to bottle feeding, but I am still hoping we can conquer this challenge eventually. 

Eli is growing like a little weed.  I have no clue how much he weighs now, but I think his double chin is a good indicator that things are going well.  I also love knowing exactly how much he is taking in at each feed....told you there were a few perks!!  He eats, looks around at his crazy sissy's for a while and then takes him a good siesta.  He is waking up in the night every 3 hours and we have gotten a few 4 hour stretches too.  I am really hoping that he will stretch that out a little more in the weeks to come.  Daddy has been helping during the 2 am feeding...see I told you there were some definite perks.  Ella and Eliza never took bottles...at all...and so it was up to mommy.  I remembering some nights feeling like I was dying of exhaustion and Kev would rub my back.  It was sweet, but I remember thinking that I would sure like to switch places with him at that moment.

Back to Eli.  Tonight I finally looked back through his birth pictures.  It was such a traumatic experience for me that I haven't even wanted to look at them since.  Honestly, when he came out and I saw his little legs twisted and turned completely wrong...I am pretty sure I went into shock.  I was not prepared for how they were going to look.  I praise the Lord because I have seen so much healing in the past month.  They are no longer are twisted in crazy directions, nor do they bend straight to his face.  They move and kick and are gaining some meat!  They were so skinny and weak looking at first.  I think I pray over those little legs and feet more than anything I have ever prayed over before.  What a long way those little legs have come since his birthday!  We continue to pray for strength, muscle development and movement. 

At one month Eli is a lot like any other baby.  He has had a few extra doctor appointments and there are several coming in the next few weeks.  He has made it through his first month without a shunt and we are thankful for that.  His back looks great and he continues to wear his hip brace unless we are changing his diaper or giving him a little stretching time.  We do his PT stretches each day and kiss lots of sweet baby toes. 

Emotionally I am finding myself loving my baby boy more and more.  At times I have felt guarded...scared to let my mommy love loose, scared to let myself love him as deeply.  Scared of being his mommy, knowing that I will be the one to comfort him when he his scared at the doctor, facing a surgery or facing the unknown.  I am thankful that as each day passes my love grows.  I cherish those special little moments...usually somewhere in the middle of the night, when he looks at me with his sweet little eyes and face and he knows that I am his mommy.  It makes me know that I am his mommy too! Happy one month Eli.

Party thoughts

Is it really almost September??  My brain is so confused and I think I am lost somewhere back in April.  I cannot believe my pregnancy is over(thank you Lord) and I already almost have a one month old (tom.).I am pretty sure the events of this spring/summer can account for my confusion and I feel lost somewhere in the middle.

Since September is right around the corner it means we are heading into birthday time.  Eliza turns two and Ella will turn 4 two weeks later.  I must say that I love planning their birthdays.  In the past it has been something that I have thought about and planned for weeks or months.  And I do realize that one can do overkill, but I love trying to make it special.  Ella always notices the details and gets so excited and that makes it worth it.   I have said all along that they will have a together party this year, but now that it is getting closer...I think I am changing my mind.  I really would love to have Eliza her own special party to just celebrate and focus on her. I know if they have a party together it tends to accommodate and cater to the older child more.  And she is really fond of MELO! (elmo) right now.  Ella says she wants a spiderman party.  She knows nothing about spiderman other than the fact that her older boy cousins think he his cool. She also likes to say she likes Sponge Bob and Ferb because she isn't allowed to watch either of those cartoons!  Kids...!!!! Needless to say...we are thinking more along the lines of a tea party for her little girl friends. 

Kev is back at work and his final day is tomorrow.  He has had two job possibilities/interviews and we are praying that the Lord would make the path straight...and quick!!!  We have been very blessed in spite of him losing his job and trusting that the God who knows will carry us. 

And finally...I went to Target alone today with my 3 littles and survived.  Today is a good day!

Rest for the Weary

If there is ever a time in one's life when they feel the need for extra grace and strength...it might be during the newborn stage.  Long gone are the cherished days when we brought home our first born.  I could sleep when she slept and spend my days snuggling in her sweet newborn smell.  With three little stair steps all 3 and under...life is shakin!!  Nights are long and mornings come all too soon with the sound of our early birds.  Days are spent trying to stay on top of pumping and feeding (which is for the birds and a new experience for me) and trying to keep 2 doting sisters from feeding, harming or waking little brother. 

I am not complaining because if there is one thing I have asked God for it is for my children...all of them! But oh my goodness, mothering will send you to your knees!!

This is an excerpt from my quiet time this morning.  It is from the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  I must say that it is one of my favorite quick little reads and always provides encouragement for my weary soul. 
"Come to Me when you are weak and weary.  Rest snugly in My everlasting arms.  I do not despise your weakness, My child.  Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been.

Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease.  Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy.  I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence.

Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."
pg. 235

For your viewing pleasure...Eli's first real bath!

Wordless Wednesday

realness

Tonight I am just plain mad.  I know...it isn't very becoming and doesn't make for an uplifting post.  I often think that I shouldn't blog when I am feeling down or upset, but in reality it usually helps me sort through all that is in my head.  Maybe, it isn't that I am mad...I think I am truly heartbroken.

Our day of appointments was long. We left the house at 8 and returned after 4.  We saw the orthopedist this morning and he was nice.  He reminded me of a grandfather as I sat in the office and boohooed.  He went from an informational surgeon to a compassionate older gentleman who seemed to understand the weight of my concerns.  He did a sensory test to try to determine where Eli has feeling and where he doesn't.  It appears that he has a good bit less feeling than one would expect him to have with a lower lumbar/sacral level lesion.  I watched with my own eyes, wishing he could feel the pinches...but he did not.  He also has hip dysplasia.  I guess that just means that both of his hips are easily coming in and out of socket.  We thought this might be the case.  The doctor put him in a soft brace (it actually looks like a very large cloth diaper). It has padding in it and is somewhat bulky.  It will keep his hips abducted and may help...time will tell.  He will wear it all day and night for about 6 weeks when we go back again. This afternoon we spent a good bit of time with an orthoist who fitted it for him.

After we left the orthopedist appointment we went upstairs for his neurosurgery appointment.  I cannot tell you how nervous I was when they measured his little head.  That is one way they are tracking his head growth to check for hydrocephalus.  Thankfully, his little head is growing normally so far and we will continue to monitor it for any large increases.  We are thankful to still be shunt free, although we have a long way to go.  Honestly, I am not sure you are ever in the clear, but I think if you get past a year or two your chances of needing one goes down dramatically.  They also said his little scar on his back looked great!

I have felt so mad and frustrated today.  So angry that we are dealing with this.  When we have to talk through our medical history with doctors they kind of look at us like....really??   Each time we meet with a new doctor, I feel the need to let them know that I indeed took my folic acid religiously!  I think it is impart due to my pride and probably somewhat do the fact that I always feel guilt since my body grew him. 

He is honestly the sweetest and most precious little boy.  Kev and I already love him so much and yet our hearts ache knowing that there are great challenges ahead.  I wish so much that he were healthy!  I am struggling to balance my faith and reality.  I wish there was a cure, a fix.  My heart is sad.

Newborn thoughts

It is funny how a teeny, tiny newborn can cause one's house to look like a bomb exploded!!  Poor Eli... it is not his fault, but it sure seems like newborns have lots of paraphernalia.  There are diapers, wipes, creams, bottles, pump parts, clothes, socks, blankets and stuff everywhere.  Last night I decided to take action and worked for hours trying to get our house back under some order, at least for a day or two. 

Eli is doing well.  He is a very easy baby so far.  He eats, opens his eyes a little, and then is back asleep again.  In reality, he still should have about 3 more weeks tucked away in my tummy, so I am expecting him to wake up more in a few weeks.  So far, he is definitely the easiest of the bunch.

We are so thankful for each little leg movement that we see.  The other night my mom cooked dinner for us and we all sat around watching Eli kick his legs.  We are all learning to be thankful for more and more through all of this.  I never sat around and watched Ella or Eliza move their legs.  We have seen a lot more movement in the past two weeks.  He does not appear to have feeling in his feet at this point and his ankles are very week.  We are still thankful for what he does have right now.

We have three appointments for Eli this week.  On Tuesday, we will meet with the pediatric neurosurgeon and also with the orthopedist.  Honestly, I am nervous about those two appointments and what we may learn about Eli.  I am praying that his ventricles will remain stable and that his head circumference will remain in normal limits.  We will continue to pray for no shunt.  I am also praying that the ortho will see his leg movement and that his hips will not be dislocated.  We would covet your prayers for Eli on Tuesday.  On Wednesday he will have an evaluation for babynet, which is our state's early intervention program.  This service will provide in home therapy(PT/OT) for Eli, which will be helpful to our family as well as Eli.  It is already so much harder to imagine him having to go through difficult procedures.  My love for him is growing and growing. 

I also have a whole post roaming in my head about little boys, but I am sure thankful that God knew we needed another one.

Coming out of the fog...I think!

Tonight is the first in a while that I am not struggling to keep my eyes open at 6:00.  I am finally starting to feel better and more like myself again.  My terrible swelling is finally subsiding, horrible headaches are better tonight, and my incision is healing nicely now.  I am so glad to have the past two weeks behind us and have little Eli home.

He is doing well and is such a sweet baby!  He is definitely the easiest of the 3 for now.  He has two very doting big sisters and that is the most challenging part of our days. Ella wants to be the mommy and Eliza wants to touch his head, hands and face.  I am sure the new will wear off soon.

A few days after Eli was born we saw very little leg movement.  We are praising the Lord because each day we are seeing a little more.   We are praying that the Lord will continue to heal his little body and we will praise the Lord for each little movement we see. And now...here is out two week old little cutie!

He's Home!!

Whew...I finally have all of my chicka-dees sleeping under the same roof tonight for the first time.  Eli is stretched out on our bed between Kev and I.  It is like we can finally take a deep breath!  I am so thankful to not have to make arrangements for the girls or go down to the hospital tomorrow.  I am so thankful that I get to be his mommy and be his main caregiver.  I sure hope I am ready for the task. 

Ella and Eliza were so cute when we walked in the front door.  I wish we had recorded them but they were super excited.  The excitement went downhill for Eliza when she realized that mommy would be holding Eli.  She has some big time adjusting to do!  Ella wants to be the mommy and thinks she can take care of Eli.  I am sure she will be a good helper, but I also know I will have to watch her at all times.

I do have lots of pictures to post but that will have to wait until tom.  This new mommy is going to have a long night!

Coming home soon.

This will be short and sweet because I am flat out exhausted.  I cannot seem to get my energy back.  Eli is doing well and it looks like he will be home really soon...maybe even tom.  I will be so thankful to have my family all under the same roof.  Kev and I will also be so thankful to not make daily or twice a day trips down to the hospital.  I hope I am ready for newborn days again.  It is easy to forget how challenging they can be.  Every night when my alarm goes off every few hours to pump, I remember that things are about to get more complicated.  I think my motto is going to be...slow!  Hopefully we can have some quiet and easy days at home and try to adjust to being a family of 5.

I am most excited at seeing Eliza's reaction to Eli.  She asks me daily to see (E-Li...pronounced with a short e like Ella) and she raises up my shirt to see my incision.  She is going be surprised.  Okay...time for sleep before my first alarm of the night goes off.

Eli Update

This is my sweet little Eli.  He really is the sweetest little thing.  He is doing really well and was moved up to full feeds today.  The NG tube should come out tomorrow if he does well through the night.  He also has his hearing screening tonight.  Tomorrow he has his car seat test.  Preemies have to sit in their car seat for over and hour and make sure their stable.  I guess it is time to get the car seat out of the garage, wash it and load it back into the car.  Hopefully, if all goes well he will be coming home in the next few days.

We were really excited when we heard that news this afternoon.  Going back and forth to the hospital is exhausting...the parking, the walking, the constant hand washing, making sure we have all the pump parts and milk.  Whew...we will be thankful to have our family all under one roof.

My excitement was somewhat shattered when the lady from the spina bifida clinic met with us later this afternoon.  Eli's lesion has always been labeled at L5.  Today we were told that the orthopedist said that it was L4-L5.  Then she said that the report said that his functional level was more like L3.  I think we were both very taken back.  I was devastated and Kev determined that he wouldn't accept one resident's opinion.  I am sure to many this difference means very little but in the spina bifida world it can be huge.  It can be the difference in being in a wheelchair or being a walker.  The most upsetting thing was that he thought his functional level was worse than the higher lesion level.  I am sure I am going to have to learn to not let things like this crush me....but it is so hard when it is your child.

I look at his sweet little face and I want nothing but,...normal for him.  I want him to be a normal little boy without all the struggles and issues of spina bifida.  I want him to run and play soccer and be able to keep up with his two big sisters.  We also learned that the same doctor thought that his hips might be dislocated.  This could mean a lot in the future in terms of surgery, casting, etc. 

I am scared...honestly, scared to death.  I am craving my old normal and trying to embrace this new journey we are on.  I think back to Ella and Eliza's newborn days and honestly they were the most exciting days of my life.  I hate that Eli's newborn days are overshadowed by my fears of the unknown.  Please continue to pray for Eli as well as the rest of our family.  I could really use prayer as I learn to care for 3 kids.  I am also still not feeling back to normal and I am so ready to feel good again.  Please pray for Ella and Eliza.  They have both been very clingy and I am sure having a new baby will be an adjustment for them (esp. Eliza).  Please pray for Kev as he is still looking for a job, a new car, and trying to regain his energy after his car wreck.  Please pray for Eli and his little legs and feet.  I will continue to pray that God will do more than we or his doctors would have imagined.  Thank you so much for keeping up with our family and for praying for us through this very challenging time in our lives.

Just for laughs...or I might cry!

I am sitting on the bed with my legs propped up high wearing my lovely white compression stockings.  You see my ankles have departed me since about last Friday and I have yet to find them.  Kev says I have lost my cankles and now have cankle rolls.  We try not to look at them or we might laugh or I might cry...and besides that really hurts my incision.

Yes, today all 18 staples came out.  Some easier than others and I am left with an infection in my incision.  No need to tell me any horror stories.  I read them all last night and by this morning I was for sure they would be sending me back to the hospital to re-open and pack my wound. I can think of nothing worse.  So far it appears that we caught it early and I am praying that the antibiotics will do their job.

Honestly, I have always felt a since a pride in my deliveries.  No, not that I went all naturale, I see nothing wrong with some pain management.  But rather in the fact that I could push my little lovies out in record time.  The doctors and nurses always praised me as a good pusher and were always so pleased with how well I always bounced back.  Kev and I were talking today and two days after having Eliza we went for a walk (slow) mind you, around the neighborhood, to try out our lovely new double stroller.  We did pay a fortune for it and I will be thankful to have it again the first time I attempt to go to Target with 3 kids 3 and under! Back to my thought... I felt great.  I felt ready to get my body back.  I think I even did my FIRM video about a week later.  Life was good.  Things were normal. No major swelling,  I refused to wear maternity clothes,even if that meant squeezing into regular clothes.   My body did what it was supposed to do.

Let's just say...things are bouncing and it isn't my body...or actually maybe it is!  Apparently, the lactation consultant who has been checking on me while visiting Eli has determined that I am milk cow.  In fact she called me that today.  It is evidenced by the fact that I am producing 7 to 8 times the amount of milk I should be right now!  Oh heavens, help me!  I have had this issue before, but it is way worse this go around.  I would elaborate more but I will stop for the sake of tmi.  Kev did suggest I might try setting up a "milk stand" outside the NICU and save some other moms some time.  (I do know that the opposite problem of this is not having enough milk and I in no way want to make anyone feel bad.  They are both issues.)  I do highly recommend humbling oneself and meeting with a lactation consultant.  I have done it with two of my babies and it has been so helpful to me!

Then there are the emotions.  Seriously, I cried the entire time through my doctor's appointment today.  I am sure she thought this lady has really lost it.  This is my fourth delivery and I have never felt so unlike myself.  No need to worry...I am on top of it and realize clearly what is normal for me and not.  I think the past 4 months and all it's events have finally caught up with me. I am just hoping that this will pass soon. 

Now, for what is really important.  Little Eli is doing well.  He is now completely off all oxygen and is breathing only room air.  He is talking both bottles and nursing some.  I do hope to nurse exclusively one day.  Right now, I just need to get him home, so we will have to use bottles for now.  He is wearing clothes now and has a head full of blondish hair.  He really looks like Kev, which I think is so cute.  But, I do want to make it clear that I have had a little to do with him...I mean...A LOT!!   He has physical therapy everyday and I have been there the past two days during that time.  I am learning lots of stretching exercises, that I will be doing multiple times a day with him. 

He is pee-peeping and pooping like crazy and has a really bad diaper rash.  That can be more common in babies with SB, but they also change him like once every 3 hours and I know I will do it more often at home.  He is a peanut and has regained his birth weight and now weighs 4lbs 7oz.  Yesterday morning, I walked into the nursery and immediately heard a baby crying.  I told my mom that I thought it was Eli.  Sure enough, he was screaming his little lungs out.  It is so funny how only after a week and not hearing his little cry that often yet, my mommy ears are already attune to him.  He is so precious and I pray over his little legs and feet a million times a day.

And if you see me out and about and don't recognize me...just realize that this too shall pass!

Look who is wearing clothes!!!

Kev and I just got home from our late night visit with Eli.  I am trying to visit him every morning and every evening so I can nurse and be there with him.  He is doing really well.  He got moved from the Level 3 nicu to the Level 2 nursery.  He was only on 2% oxygen and the plan is to completely wean him from it tonight as long as he does fine.  They are continuing to up his feeds each day and he had his first bottle today and nursed well tonight.  Mommy and Daddy were so proud of him. 

Thank you all for your sweet comments.  I have felt better today.  I am just exhausted and I am so ready for my body to feel more normal again.  I think all the weeks of taking it easy and then hospital bedrest has really zapped my energy level. 

When we arrived tonight he was wearing clothes!  So cute!

I don't know when Eli will be coming home, but mommy and daddy have a lot to do to get ready for his arrival.  I can't wait.

Oh, baby blues...

Today has been my hardest day since Eli was born.  This being my fourth pregnancy, I am well acquainted with the baby blues.  I even know how bad it can feel to bury your baby 3 days after delivering him, while facing the onset of a huge change in hormones.  Today I can do nothing but cry.  Generally, I am not a crier.  I have done nothing but cry today.  Some say that pregnancy is a beautiful thing...and I agree that God growing a little human life over 9 short months (or sometimes less) with all it's complexities, is a truly beautiful thing.  But let me make one thing clear....the aftermath of pregnancy is no beautiful thing. 

In fact, I don't know if I have ever felt so physically unattractive. Maybe plain ole ugly is a better word and no I am not looking for any compliments...I am just being honest.   If you are a man, only because I know my dad occasionally reads my blog (when my mom tells him he should :) you might want to just skip this next paragraph.   My body is just plain swollen.  I have never had this happen so bad with my other deliveries.  I guess it has something to do with having a c-section.  My ankles, hands, legs, face....all swollen.  My ankles are the worst.  My toes don't even look like my toes.  Then there are the parts of your body that change so that you can nourish your newborn baby.  I always have a hard time with this part.  When my milk arrives it arrives with a vengeance.  I was prepared....but I HATE this part.  There really is no relief so far.  I have read everything there is to do and I have tried it all over the years....hot compresses, frozen ice packs, hot shower, even cabbage leaves.  I think things are different this time since I am exclusively pumping for now.  I can tell that pumping just isn't as effective as nursing.  And yes, I have a great and expensive pump!  Then there is the clothing issue.  I really look about 6 months pregnant still at this point.  I have about 20 staples in my stomach and nothing covers or is comfortable.  I can assure you that one thing I will not do is put back on one of the four outfits I wore in the hospital!!   Sorry for venting ...but I really think that sexually active teenagers should have to experience postpartum at it's best and they might just reconsider.

Okay, enough about the body!  I do think all of those terrible feelings are generally helped when you watch your little one sleep of spend those first days loving on your new little one.  It doesn't make all the uncomfortableness and body issues disappear, but it does make it all seem worth it.  Today I am also really worried about Eli.  Generally, things have been going well so far.  I called this morning and talked to his nurse and he was able to come off the light therapy and his levels are better.  They are also weaning him down from the oxygen. He was only on about 30% to begin with.   I think they are going to give him a bottle and I will try to nurse him when I get there for his afternoon feeding.  It is hard to let someone give him bottle.  I hate to miss any of his first.  I know we have a lot to be thankful for when compared to what others are facing.

I am really worried about his legs and feet. His legs have very low tone and one appears smaller than the other.  He appears to have little feeling below his thighs and knees.  His feet also appear to have little feeling and are not sensitive at all to touch.  They are floppy and they both turn in.  My mommy heart is having a terrible time even writing this.  It is hard when all you can do is love him and rub those sweet little legs and feet.  I do love each little part of him, just as he is...I just hate for him to have struggles ahead.  It breaks my heart more than anything I think I have ever faced. 

I know there is a lot that can be done to help Eli with bracing, casting, walkers, and wheelchairs...I was just hoping we might be one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go down that path.  We continue to appreciate your prayers for our sweet little guy as we begin to adjust.  Thank you all for your sweet and encouraging comments on both my blog and on facebook. 

Someone got to meet her baby brother....

We took Ella this morning to meet her brother Eli.  I hated so much leaving Eliza, but she is too young to go into the NICU.  It was a lot of fun watching and listening to Ella interact with Eli for the first time.  She talked to him just like they had been best buds for forever.  She said, "Hey Eli, it's Ella.  We got a Liza too...she is Elizabeth."  It was so funny.  She kept telling him to wake up and get up.  Obviously, she has forgotten that little babies sleep A lot!  I loved how she loved him immediately and treated him no differently.  He was sunbathing for the day when we left him.

Tonight Kev and I went back for a little visit.  It was the first time I could hardly stand leaving him.  It is exhausting right now trying to get there to spend time with him, but I cannot stand to be away for long.  Tonight was also the first time in a few days that I feel scared for his future.  I know why...I love him so much already and I want only the best for him.  We have a lot to be thankful for so far. Yet, I know there are some challenges ahead.  I know eventually we will get some difficult news, it is like I am starting to brace myself.  I keep reminding myself that I would love Ella or Eliza no differently if they faced physical challenges or were in a wheelchair.  They would still be my sweet little girls.  I know the same is true for Eli.  I know we will love him no matter what we face....I just don't want to face it. 

The answer is Yes!!

One surprising day in December,
Three Early ultrasounds at 6, 8, and 12 weeks,
A devastating diagnosis day in March,
Hours upon hours of research on the computer,
An Amnio and days of waiting,
Airline tickets purchased and consult in another state,
Lots and lots of prayers,
10 hour trip with family and friends,
A scary 4 hour surgery,
A week in the hospital far away from home,
A stomach that will never look the same,
A Flight home in a thunderstorm,
Eight weeks on modified bedrest at home,
Weeks of letting others help me,
12 weeks of not driving,
A summer with no pool, beach or vacation,
8 weeks of long Friday afternoon appointments,
4 weeks of hospital bedrest,
8 IV's
30 days away from home,
4 weeks of 5:00 rounds and annoying questions from med students
4 weeks of leaking...sorry TMI
23 ultrasounds,
27 Non-stress tests
A really not fun c-section experience,
Another not pretty incision,
cankles in a major way,
Milk, milk, and do I say more milk....

So, was it worth it?
Tonight while I nursed my little baby boy for the first time and he opened his tiny little baby eyes and really looked at me for the first time ever...the answer is YES!!!  Every minute, every fear, every pain, every inconvenience, every tear...he is so worth it!  I love you Eli Matthew!