Still Floating

I think I am still floating...for real. I just can't tell you how relieved I am to be pregnant, have had a good ultrasound and know it is a girl. Don't get me wrong I'd have been excited to have another boy and actually get to do the boy thing...but I have so many cute girl clothes, bibs, bows, socks, shoes, dresses, burp cloths, and etc., etc....that really need to be used again. I got out ella's box of newborn clothes today just to take a peek. So tiny, so precious, so exciting!

I always feel guarded in my pregnancies. I get somewhat anxious when my in-laws tell me how excited they are that I am expecting (what if my body lets me down again... i really don't want to disappoint them), I worry about everything I eat (could this be harmful to the baby), I follow every do and don't for a pregnant lady (worried that something I did or didn't do caused the 1 in 10,000 problem that Samuel had). I freak out before and during every appointment (yes cold sweats, diarrhea and all...and I know you really don't care to know that) esp. on ultrasound days. My doctor saw me in the waiting room yesterday and said, "breath Julie, keep breathing, ..." But... because of my past experiences I can no longer coast through a pregnancy without a care in the world. I know too much! I've read too much! I've experienced too much! While I am not generally a very big worrier this is my thing I worry over! I know God doesn't want me to be anxious or worried about anything...even this!

I say all that to say that I can now breathe... a little! My guard is falling. I so far have a healthy baby growing inside who is already moving! I have to continue to trust this little bitty girl who they said only weighs 5 oz. so far... to my God. The same way I entrusted Samuel to Him and the same way I daily have to entrust Ella to Him. They are not mine but His...just mine on loan. What a special, wonderful gift...that I treasure and love so much it hurts! Awww...the joys of being a mother!

I cannot write this without thinking of several of you and maybe even more that I do not know of that have sent your congratulations to me, all the while longing for a child of your own. Thank you for being so selfless! I remember how it feels to long for a child, pray for a child, and feel like God is silent. I am praying for you and can't wait to see how God blesses you richly. One thing I have learned is that I do not understand God's ways or His timing always, but they are always best in retrospect! Keep serving, keep asking, keep knocking on doors(even if they feel like only doctors offices :), keep loving, keep going, keep keeping on and before you know it time will have passed and you'll be where God's timing is! (Sorry I don't mean to sound preachy but I just remember how hard it is to hear that... so and so is pregnant, and so and so , and now so and so....and still be waiting! I hope this may bring someone encouragement! ) :)