Waiting...

I am trying to pass time.  My c-section got pushed back a little due to the two before me running long.  My doctor also got called back to the office and I have a different doctor...that is okay!  I know the Lord will have the right people in place for Eli's arrival.  The new doctor came by and she seemed really sweet.  Only a little while longer and my pregnancy journey will be over and Eli's journey will begin!  Thank you all for your prayers.  I read something yesterday on a blog that said instead of worrying you should worship.  That is what I am trying to do today!  Thanks again for being so faithful to pray for us and Eli today!

Letters to my kids...

I have always in the past written a letter to my kids the night before we welcome a new family member.  You can read the ones I wrote to Ella and Eliza in 2009 here.

Dear Eli Matthew,
       Tonight is the last night I will ever go to sleep with you tucked sweetly inside of me.   I can't imagine coming back to this room tomorrow with you not inside of me anymore.   I remember looking at my calendar the day I was admitted and thinking there was no way I could mentally make it until July 12th.  Thankfully, the Lord has sustained us each day and provided friends, encouragement and just what we needed to get through. I cannot believe that tomorrow is your birthday!

      If you are anything like your pregnancy has been, I imagine you will be a little boy who teaches us a lot and keeps us on our toes.   I will never forget the day I found out that I was expecting you.  I was so surprised.  I had no idea what the next few months of growing and nurturing you would require of me physically, mentally and spiritually.  It has been the hardest journey of my life so far.  I will never forget March 8th, because that is the day we learned that you were a little boy and a few minutes later that you had spina bifida.  I will never forget the feelings I had on April 19th, when we were both facing a risky and scary surgery to repair your back in utero.  I have never been more scared in my entire life.  I will never forget each move of your legs that we anxiously looked for each week on the ultrasound or the day we watched you put your toes in your mouth.  These past few months have required more of me than I ever knew I handle.  It has required more faith in Christ, more dependence on those we love, and more praying on my part. 

Eli, I don't know what tomorrow and the weeks to follow will be like for you, but I promise that God has a great plan for you.   I promise that you have a mommy and a daddy that will move heaven and earth to provide all that you need.  I promise we will love you no matter what you are capable of and no matter what the doctors may tell us about you.  We believe with all our hearts that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving and kind heavenly father and we are trusting him with your care and your future.  We promise that you will not be the little boy with spina bifida, but you will be our son, Eli.

There are so many people praying for you tomorrow and who already love you so much!  Your daddy and I cannot wait to see you, and I promise to get to the NICU the minute they will let me up!
Love,
Your Mommy


Dear Ella Kate,
      Tomorrow is Eli's birthday.  When I reminded you of this on the phone tonight you asked me if he was having a spiderman birthday!  I sure wish that was all we were doing tomorrow.  You are such a funny girl and such a great big sister.  I love to watch how much Eliza loves you and how she wants to do exactly what you are doing.  You have a very big job as the oldest child.  I can see that God is making you into a great leader with a strong personality.  I pray you will continue to grow to be a good helper to both Eliza and Eli.  I have no doubt that Eli will love you.  I can't wait to take you to the NICU for a visit in a few days.  You are lucky because you are old enough to get to visit him there.  Get a good rest and be a good girl tomorrow.  I can't wait to see you!
Love,
Mommy

Dear Eliza Anne,
     I think Mommy is having the hardest time writing to you tonight.  I think it is always hardest on the youngest when a new baby arrives or maybe it is just hardest for mommy.   It seems like just yesterday I was shedding tears writing to to Ella the night before we had you.  I couldn't imagine how much I would love you!  I felt so sad that she would no longer be the baby and I was scared.  Mommy is feeling the same things again tonight.  You are such a sweet little girl and I cannot believe that you are almost two.  You are so different than your sister and I think you will make a great middle child.  I know you will make a great big sister and I look forward to watching you grow into your new role.  I hope you and Eli will be good friends and that you can teach him your mad climbing skills (that might even be okay by mommy and daddy)!  I love you!
Love,
Mommy

1 more day!

Last night, a few seconds after I hit publish on my post, my cell phone rang.  It was Kevin and he had called to tell me that Ella had just thrown up!  She had left the hospital about an hour earlier. We shared a kiss and hug and she bee bopped down the hall with her usual spunkiness!  She had been fine all day!  During her naptime at the hospital she had snuggled right up beside me nose to nose.  As soon as he called, all I could think about was all of us getting a stomach virus this week. 

I also hated not being at home to care for her, even though it takes everything in me to clean up throw-up without throwing up myself.  She was so sad and called me and said, "Mommy, I am throwing up and can never go to church."  I think she had overheard Kev saying that they wouldn't be able to make it to church today.  I must just insert here that Kev did awesome on Daddy duty today.  He didn't even get frustrated with me when I called a million times to check on them and to remind him to Lysol and wash hands constantly.

So far she has been okay today...just laying around more than normal.  And thankfully, so far everyone else is okay.  I talked to my doctor this morning and told her I had been exposed and she said if I start to feel sick at all they will go ahead and deliver me asap.  I can't think of much worse than having my stomach cut open (my incision is quite large from my fetal surgery and they will use the same one again on Tues.) and having a stomach virus.  I might just ask to be put to sleep for a day or two. I can also not think of much worse than for Kev to be sick as a dog on the birth day of our last child.  It is kind of a day you can't redo.  So, needless to say I am praying and praying that we will stay well as well as our friends and family who have been around us recently. 

I cannot believe that tomorrow is my final full day as a pregnant person.  I got my 8th and final IV today.  My nurse got an L&D nurse to come and do it because I didn't have a lot of vein options left in my arms and apparently you have to have a bigger IV for surgery.  She did awesome.  I couldn't believe how painless it was.  This has been such a long journey even though it has been a shorter pregnancy.  I am so ready and so nervous all at the same time. 

Counting down!

Today was a good day at the ole hospital.  Kev went home this morning to spend some time with the girls and get some things done at home...like washing my four outfits!  He brought the girls up this afternoon and we played in the room and then they took nice long naps.  They are definitely warming up to hospital life and have made friends with nurses, cafeteria staff, and housekeeping staff. One nurse even brings them a surprise each day after they take their nap.  It is so sweet.  Eliza has also finally warmed up to the hospital bed and more to her mommy again.  Poor thing, I am sure she really has no clue why mommy is living at the hospital. 

I forgot to mention yesterday that I had what I would like to say was my VERY LAST ULTRASOUND EVER!!!  The tech was asking me how many I thought I'd had since I started having babies and I really think it is too many to count.  I am sure it is close to at least a hundred and I am not even exaggerating.  I really hope I don't one day find out that they are really harmful or something!

Yesterday on my ultrasound my fluid measured a 6.  That is pretty good considering I have been ruptured for almost 4 weeks now.  Eli's right ventricle, which is the smaller of the two measured 8mm.   That is down a bit from the previous week and down is always good.  They couldn't measure the larger left one due to the fact that his head is so low.  We did see some movement in his hips and he was practicing his breathing like crazy!  They didn't do a growth scan again this week, but he should be weighing around 4lbs 5oz or so.  I hope he is at least that big by Tuesday. 

The countdown is really almost over...two more days.  I have one more IV to get in the morning...my 8th, and that should be my last!  I am so thankful to the Lord that he has sustained me through these weeks.  When I was admitted I really didn't think I could handle being here until 34 weeks, even though I knew I needed to for Eli.  I am also so thankful to so many who have prayed and shown love to our family.  We have been so blessed by your kindness. 

It's Friday

I cannot believe we have made through an entire work week.  Last week at this time it seemed like such a daunting task, but here we are.  Next week at this time, I should be back at my house for the first time in 4 weeks and also no longer preggo.  I know I will hate leaving Eli here and will feel so weird once he is no longer tucked safely inside. I am sure I will be back bright and early Saturday morning to check on him. 

Today got off to a bit of a hectic start.  Each morning they do a Non-Stress Test.  It monitors Eli's heartrate and my contractions.  I am usually on the monitor for 30-45 minutes, and if things look good they take me off and then just check his heartrate every 4 hours.  This morning I was alone and all hooked up to the monitor.  You really can't move too much because it kinda messes things up.  About 10 minutes into the monitoring Eli had a deceleration.  That means that his heartrate dipped too low below the baseline and stayed there a little bit.  I always get anxious watching the monitor when that happens.  He generally does great but he has had a few decels over the past 3 days.  This is also not too uncommon when your fluid is low because the baby can move onto the cord.

When a decel last for a little bit an alarm starts sounding...loudly...BEE...BONG...BEE...BONG...and it does not stop until someone turns it off.  Normally, I would just get kev to silence it until they come to check on me, but since he wasn't around I just tried to deal with it. After a while I decided to call for a nurse to come look at the strip and turn it off.  Thirty minutes later no one had come.  So I called again....BEE...BONG...BEE...BONG...constantly!  I was also dying to go to the bathroom at this point and I was contracting every so often.  I waited and waited and tried to occupy my time with the Internet.  Around this time another thirty minutes had passed and so I called a third time.  At that point I was ready to get up and silence the thing myself, but I was also a little concerned about Eli.  The monitor was also now out of paper and had quit recording and I really needed to use the bathroom.  The constant monitor alarm combined with a few decels, a full bladder and some little contractions for almost an hour an half made me quite exasperated!!

Finally, my nurse and another nurse she was training arrived.  I told them that I had called 3 times needing them to come check and cut off the alarm.  They were nice but kinda acted like people often call needing ice or towels and so it is hard to know when they are really needed.  Makes me a little nervous if I was really having an emergency!  It was a bit frustrating because I am not one to call unless I need something I cannot do myself.  I have even mastered wrapping up my own IV each day prior to my shower, just so I don't have to call and wait for someone else to do it for me. 

The nurse thought everything looked okay and I asked if the attending could look over the strip.  Of course she said yes.  I also let her know that while I am not an overly anxious person, I am not beyond thinking that something unforeseen could still go wrong and I would rather them be overly cautious than not.  The doctor wanted to put me back on the monitor after lunch.  After lunch things appeared to be much more normal and my contractions definitely slowed down.  I am thankful that things are okay and I am ready to get Eli safely here.

Today actually went really fast.  We had some sweet visitors and due to the fact that it was a long morning it was dinner time before I knew it.  So glad to get to the weekend.  THREE more days!!!

3 week Hospital update

Not much going on in hospital land today. I had a slow morning.  It appeared that my next door neighbor was having some major difficulty this morning.  The nurses were obviously very occupied and it was about 10:30am before they finally got me on the monitor.  I am on it each morning for 30 minutes to an hour, so I felt like I'd never be able to take a shower. 

Our associate pastor and his wife, Louise, stopped in to visit me today while they were doing hospital visitation.  It was good to chat with them for a while.  I also had a sweet new friend stop in.  She brought us doughnuts and even offered to paint my toes for me.  I think that was the sweetest thing ever!  They look a lot better!

Kev and the girls arrived and he brought their toenail clippers and we finally got that taken care of.  Kev is still scared to trim their nails so it has always been my job. Eliza wanted her toes painted too and I must say it is hard to paint those tiny little toenails. 

I feel like we are really getting closer to Tuesday!  I will be glad to get there except I am getting really scared.  I am not looking forward to having my stomach cut back open and it having to re-heal.  It hasn't been long enough for me to forget yet.  I am also a little weirded out about being awake while they are cutting me open.  I think I will be claustrophobic lying on that table. It is probably time to stop watching A Baby Story!  The only time I care to watch it is when I am pregnant. 

I am so thankful to be in my final 4 days!  I am not counting Tuesday!  Oh, and the same doctor who delivered our first son, Samuel will also be delivering our last child, Eli.  He is a great doctor and I was glad to learn that he would be here on Tuesday.

God works for the Good

I have been blessed with so many sweet friends who have stopped in to help me pass time.  I can not tell you how much it has meant to me.  I really think that someone in the hospital for an extended stay without friends and loved ones could very easily become depressed.  I am generally a pretty even keeled person by nature, but some days I really feel like jumping out of my window!!

Today my sweet friend, Toots, (and no that isn't her real name, but rather the one that she is known by everyone by) came to help me pass some time.  Toots is the most creative and craftiest person I know. She brought about 6 bags packed full of scrapbooking and card making supplies.  I had plans for being crafty, but I mostly sat on the bed and chatted while watching the girls have fun!  You can tell by the pictures that they think Mrs. Toots is pretty great too!  The nurse walked in and looked like what in the world is going on in here!  She actually said she thought it was great! 

 Romans 8:28 is one of those verses that I learned as a child.  It was one I memorized and one that I hid deep within my heart.  It is a promise from God that I believe and that I have continued to see play out in my life throughout the years.  Kev and I have see this promise work in a very real way in our lives throughout the past few weeks.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Most of you know that my husband was involved in a major head on collision after leaving the hospital the day after I was admitted.  He was heading home to see the girls, take a shower and to pack some clothes.  By the grace of God he survived and not only survived he didn't break any bones.  The driver in the car who hit him did not make it.  Thankfully, we have since learned that he was a believer.  Kev was seriously banged up!  He was so bruised...I mean I have never seen bruises like that.  His doctor said he had the worst chest contusions she had ever seen.  He has been sore, tired and trying to heal. 

He was taken to the ER at the hospital I was at following the accident and also seen by our family doctor.  His doctor would not clear him to return to work until after she sees him again this Friday.   I can really tell that he is starting to feel better this week and I am so thankful that he has had time to rest and heal.  When he called me moments after getting in this terrible accident, I really was wondering what in the world was going on.  I mean I am waving the white flag of surrender!!!  It has been one thing after another!  I really didn't understand what God was up to or why he was allowing another difficultly in our lives.  I was mostly just thankful that Kev was alive.  When he called me telling me he had been hit and was really hurt, I think I said over and over that I loved him and that I could not do this without him.  I really need him and just for the record...I am so thankful for him. 

So, back to my point.  Kev has not been allowed to work since the day after I was admitted.  It has meant that he has been able to spend lots of hours keeping me company at the hospital.  He has been making daily runs down to the food court for ice cream and such.  He has been able to go and get the girls and bring them to the hospital to spend the day with mommy.  He has been here to help me give them naps here at the hospital and keep them entertained.  We have spent more time together in the past few weeks than we normally would.  He has also had time to make many trips to the chiropractor and doctor.  Thankfully, he is feeling better with each day and should good to go for Eli's arrival day.

Who but God can take the horrible tragedies of this life....the things that make you question His goodness and sovereignty, and work them for our good and our benefit.  Who would have thought that Kev being in an accident would actually work for our benefit in that he would have more time to spend with me...and help me to not lose my mind. As I sit here in my quiet and empty little hospital room tonight, I cannot help but praise my heavenly father for His goodness to us.