Mothering

Today we got good news that we did qualify for a consult visit at Vanderbilt for prenatal surgery.  While that is great news...it immediately sent my nerves flying and my stomach twisted and tied up in knots.  The time-frame that they gave us for our consult and tentative surgery date is somewhat sooner than we were hoping.  While so many are so excited for us that we have this opportunity....I keep thinking of what it really is going to mean for me and our little family! 

I have such mixed emotions.  While I want to do everything I possibly can to give Eli the greatest chance at having the best quality of life...I feel so torn between this and my two precious girls.  The thought of not being able to care for them as I do kills me.  I am their mommy.  Caring for them is my daily, full-time job.  We have a routine.  We have a schedule.  I am their main disciplinarian.  Daddy is too, but I am just with them so much more.  I know when they haven't had enought to drink or when they need more veggies to eat.  I know when ella needs to potty and when elliza wants her blankie.  I know where bunny is at all times and I make sure that their ears get cleaned each night and their teeth get flossed.  It is just part of my job.  I can tell when eliza throws her blankie out of her crib from the sound of her cry and when ella is frustrated due to being tired.  I know their quirks and what makes them tick and I love being their mommy!

As a mommy it is hard to take a seat or should I say "a bed" to your job.  My three short weeks of bedrest with Eliza right at the end was hard enough....I cannot imagine months. 

There is a lot to consider.  Will the high risk of pre-term labor be worth the risk of risky surgery?  Would we be causing more issues for Eli by a pre-term delivery than if we let him grow and wait for the surgery?  All of these questions have no clear-cut answers, but we are praying for wisdom that the Lord will lead us to what is best for Eli and our family. 

We went out to dinner tonight.   Kev was still at the table paying and I walked the girls into the lobby to wait.  They were about maxed out on good behavior!  We were waiting and the two young (18ish oir so), female hostesses looked at us and said.  "Awe...they are so precious!"  I said, " thank you."  Then they began talking to each other.  It went something like this.....I wanna have a baby!  They are so so sweet.  I want to have a baby bump and be so cute!!  It took all I had in me to not give those girls a quick little reality look into what pregnancy can sometimes look like.  I quickly composed myself and walked out thinking that they were so clueless about the sacrifice that it takes to be a mother. (I do not fault them...I used to be there too!)   It is so much more than a cute family or sporting a baby bump for a few months.  It requires so very much more!!

The God of the Unrepairable!!!

Last Saturday I wanted to get out of the house for a while and so I headed over to our local outlet mall.  I had a gift card that has been burning a hole in my wallet since Christmas and since I am at that less than desirable stage in pregnancy where I don't quite need maternity clothes, but I just look.... chunky, I decided some new shirts might do me some good.

 I found a cute teal shirt at the Banana Republic that was on sale and with my additional coupon it was really cheap!  I put it on that afternoon and wore it for a few hours. At some point during those few hours I washed a load of white clothes.  I am a little obsessed with bleach!  I like my whites white!!!  Well, leave it to me to not pour carefully and later I noticed that I had lime green splatters ALL over my brand new teal shirt!  I was so bummed and came upstairs and showed Kev.  I think he laughed because it wasn't the first time this has happened.  I was mostly bummed because I'd gotten about two hours of wear out of it!  I think somewhere in his laughter he promised to buy me another one!!

Today is Wednesday and this morning I was going through our clean laundry looking for something that would work for today.  On top of the pile I found my new teal shirt and I hadn't even realized that I had washed and dried it.  I grabbed it and decided to re-evaluate it to see if it was really as bad as I had remembered.  When I looked at it....I didn't see a single lime green spot!  I brought it upstairs to look at it in a better light and once again there where no bleach spots.  I decided to iron it because surely the heat of the iron would make the spots show up....but it didn't.  Now I have had several bleach accidents before, but I have never had this happen!!

It was in that moment that I felt the gentle Holy Spirit speak into my heart and say, "Julie, I AM the God of the unrepairable.  I CAN repair that which is not meant to be fixed."  The Holy Spirit's gentle words to my heart were like a balm for my spirit.  I felt refreshed.  I felt known by God.  I felt as though He was at work in our lives. 

This evening we got a call from our Genetic Counselor who gave us the great news that Eli's has 46 perfectly normal chromosomes.  She said she was surprised and that it didn't really go along with what they know to be true medically speaking, but she was so pleased for us. 

I am so relieved and so thankful.  So thankful tonight for the many, many, many faithful friends who have been praying for us and so thankful that we might be getting to have a baby in a few short months!!  We still have a long road ahead of us, but I will never forget that my God is the God who can Repair that which is Unrepairable.   And I am really glad to get to wear my new teal shirt again too!

18 Months

18 Months ago today we started the day like this!





And a few hours later....





We had you...our sweet little Eliza Anne!





From day one you were the cutest and sweetest little thing!



  

The days with you in our lives have been so great. 

How did you go from this little pumpkin to such a sweet little girl?

You are fun!

You are silly!

You are agreeable to your sissy's schemes.

You are cautious.

You are special.

You are the sweetest little thing this side of heaven.

But watch out world...she's got some mad climbing skills!
(And just for the record, she was disciplined and removed just following the picture.)

I find myself today longing to go back and relive the past 18 months with Eliza as a baby!  I long to go back and have a normal exciting pregnancy and a happy delivery day!  I remember when I was pregnant with eliza wondering how I could really love another little girl as much as I did our ella.  For she had helped to heal and repair such a piece of our hearts, that I really wondered if it would be the same.  I am so thankful that God knows what we need the most.  I couldn't have picked a better compliment to our family and to ella than eliza.  She is so different from her sissy, but is so equally loved and unique.  I will never forget riding home in our van for the first time with two carseats in the back and feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.  Thank you Lord for the blessing of Eliza.  

Waiting

We are still waiting to hear the results of our amnio from last week.  I am not sure when we will hear.  Most likely it will be this week, but it could even be next Monday before we know.  Every single time our home phone rang today my stomach flip-flopped and I braced myself for who might be on the other end.  No such news for today.  In one aspect I will be glad to just know exactly what we are facing, but on the other hand if it is not good news...I'd rather just sit where I am for a bit longer. 

I got up early and went walking today with my exercise buddy (Whitney).  We had been faithfully running 5-6 days a weeks for about four months.  I was starting to feel like I was really getting back in good shape and was really enjoying running.  We would run at 6:15am before our kids or husbands left for work. It was a sacrifice to get up early and get out the door, but I was always so thankful I did it when it was over.   I even continued to run through most of my first trimester, which I have never done before.  When life gets crazy things like exercise and trying not to "gain" more pregnancy pounds than needed don't really seem to be that important to me.  I decided that I might not have too many weeks left that I can even get out of the bed or a sitting position, so I better make the most of the days I can.  It felt good to get up and get my day going early again today.

Today is my little sister's 25th birthday!!  I always liked being older than her until now!!  I am already into my 30's and she gets to only be mid 20's!!  That sounds so much better!  Jess, we love you and hope you have had a great day.  Your package is on it's way!!

Friday

Last night after I wrote the previous post, as I was mopping our dirty hardwood floors, it came to me.  What I really was trying to say is that what I really want is just "the good life."   I often say I want God's will for my life, but probably what I really want is a good, happy, healthy life that God approves of.  I don't know why I expect it to be this way as there is a lot in the Bible about "laying down one's life," "taking up one's cross,"  "dying to self," and suffering.  It is through these things that we are conformed more into the likeness of Christ.

Today has been a sad day for me.  I have felt very weepy at times and scared.  I know without a single doubt that I will love Eli as much as I love my two little cuties who are fast asleep upstairs, but right now I am struggling to feel connected to him.  I am scared to love him.  I am scared to lose him.  I am scared about all that is to come. 

We are still waiting on our final amnio results.  We hope they will be back at the beginning of the week.  All of my medical records are being evaluated at Vanderbuilt, as they are trying to decided if we could even qualify for the prenatal surgery.  When I was 35 weeks pregnant with Eliza I was diagnosed with IUGR.  The doctors are carefully evaluating her pregnancy and the placental pathology reports to see if this might disqualify us.  With the surgery, one of the biggest risks is preterm labor.  On average babies are generally born about 8-10 weeks following the surgery. 

If we get good results on the amnio, I will have an ultrasound in about a week and a half and we would leave for Vanderbuilt a few days later for our consult.  No lie, this surgery scares me to death.  I read tonight that it is a hip to hip incision followed by strict bed rest for 3 weeks.   The remaining portion of the pregnancy would be moderate bed rest.  I would most likely be in a wheelchair if we went out of the house for any period of time.  Needless to say, if we do have the surgery, this summer is going to look very different for our family. 

I know it would be a sacrifice .  The thought of being away from my girls for a while and not being able to pick them up and hold them just about kills me.  Eliza follows me around the house with her arms up in the air for mommy to hold her.  She is still so tiny and needs her mommy!  Ella is more independent but understands so much more.  She will be worried and will not do good being out of our routine.  Needless to say, I want to enjoy every second of holding them, lifting them, and being on the go with them, while I can. 

If you want to pray for us here are a few specifics:  good amnio results, that God's will would be done concerning the surgery and what would be best for Eli, Kevin's job situation that something local with his same company would open in another dept., for Kevin's class load (he has mid-terms this week and is taking four seminary classes this semester which is a heavy load with everything else he does!!)   Thank you
Julie

Good Days

Today has been a good day.  The girls and I got out a bit today, they are back on their regular eating/napping schedules, and life seems to be calming down a bit for now.  I told a few friends today that I am not sure if I am numb or just have God's peace because I just kinda feel like...okay!  That is such a blessing to be able to be okay in the midst of life's trials.  I don't for even a second want you to think that I am not and have not been worried over all that we have on our plate right now, but I kinda feel like we are at a place where God has to show up and get some glory!!! Relying on Christ is pretty much our only option and that is a good place to be.

I woke up this morning early and laid in bed for a long time.  If I let my mind start going I get way overwhelmed and in way over my head.  As thankful that I am for our preliminary good news on the FISH test, I begin to worry that maybe I have given everyone false hope and may have to in a few days be faced with not so good news again.  Then my mind wanders to the next six weeks, which may possibly include surgery for both Eli and myself, time aways from home, hubs off of work from a job that is ending, and I begin to panic.  Then I begin to worry about Eli and I wonder if I will be a good mommy to a boy.  They are so different from little girls.  Will I be able to manage his care while taking care of my girls?  I worry about him getting picked on as he grows and the bathroom issues associated with Spina bifida.  I worry that he may not be able to get married or be a daddy himself one day!  My mind easily runs to all the things that I in my own strength really cannot handle. 

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about blessings and what generally, we as Americans, look to as God blessing us.  I am very guilty of desiring a beautiful house, beautiful kids dressed in the cutest fashions, two cars, 3 healthy kids involved in sports and the arts...balanced of course with active church involvement, and maybe even a white picket fence to finish off the package.  It seems as we strive for what society and ourselves attribute as the perfect family and when we get there we see it as "being blessed by God."  So much that we see as blessings are health and wealth.

I think the contrary is very true as well.  When we fall upon hard times, when tragedy and heartache come into our lives, when we are faced with hard choices and disappointing circumstances and our pretty little white fence falls right over....we are often shocked.   I am preaching to myself here!!  Why am I shocked when hard times are part of this life?  Why do we expect it to all go as we planned?  Why do we question Him and His character? 

It is like we know that life will have trials, but we really don't think they will ever find us.  Or we think we have been through a major trial in the past and that surely should get us some kind of pass card for at least the next ten years!  ( I really think that I felt like I had some kind of check mark on my card that said, "difficult pregnancy/death of child" Passed in 2006!)  I know that might sound crazy, but in my mind I felt like I was probably covered on that one!

The older I get I am realizing that life is just hard.  In every life some rain must fall and sometimes it is acquainted with thunder and lightening (thanks dad!)  I feel like the Lord is teaching me once again that He doesn't operate as this "world" does.  He doesn't give check marks for trials and he doesn't send blessings in proportion to faithfulness and hardwork.  His goal is always to reveal himself.  His plan is to refine our faith and change us into his likeness.  His ways though they sometimes lead you along very unchosen paths, are always the ones in which you find Him.  It is only in Him do we really find real "life."

Thanks for bearing with me as I struggle and question my way through.  The Lord is teaching me a lot. 

One day at a time!

What a day!  Seems like everyday lately has been like that!  First of all, we got some awesome potential news on Eli.  When they did the amnio they also did the FISH test.  It screens for Tri. 13, 18, 21 and maybe a few other of the most common chromosome problems.  You can get the results back a lot sooner than the actual amnio.  The genetic counselor called and when I answered  I could her in her voice that it must be good news.  She said that the FISH test came back normal showing no additional 13th, 18th, or 21st chromosomes.  She was very happy with that and of course we were too.  This is not a guarantee as we have to wait on the amnio as it will test for many other problems, many which are much more rare.  But we were so THANKFUL to get a little good news.

I began frantically texting and calling Kevin.  I even texted him that I had some results and to please call.  He didn't and I figured he was with a customer and would call me right back.  I kept calling and finally he called back.  He told me to sit down.  I knew something was up!  He then told me that he was in a meeting and just found out that his office, the one in which he's been employed with for almost ten years, is closing as of June 25, 2011.  He office has had talk of closing for years but it is no longer talk...it is for real!  It definitely was a huge blow!  He has until 5:00 pm of next Tues. the 22nd to turn in a paper agreeing to transfer to one of six locations in the the Southeast.  Insurance is going to be vital to us in the coming months...esp. if Eli only has spina bifida with potential prenatal surgery, delivery, nicu stay, possible shunt surgery, and all that would go along with that.  It is not a good time to not have insurance and not have a job.  It is also not a great time to move to a completely new location with no family, church or friends to lean on.  There is so much on our minds this evening that to be honest we just feel numb. 

In the one hand we are ecstatic that we might actually be having a baby!!! On the other hand we feel overwhelmed with Kevin's job site closing and and the big decisions to make in a week.  It is really more than we can discern right now and are asking God for wisdom as He says to ask and He will give it. 

Thank you so much for your prayers for Eli.  I really think that the Lord is answering our prayers for him! You never think you would be so glad to say that my baby might only have spina bifida....but tonight we are so thankful for that.  I am praying for good results next week. 

I promise you that our lives are not normally this eventful, dramatic and crazy!  I long for the days when I will once again sit at the computer and have nothing at all to blog about.  Until then we will continue to seek God's will one day at a time.