He's Home!!

Whew...I finally have all of my chicka-dees sleeping under the same roof tonight for the first time.  Eli is stretched out on our bed between Kev and I.  It is like we can finally take a deep breath!  I am so thankful to not have to make arrangements for the girls or go down to the hospital tomorrow.  I am so thankful that I get to be his mommy and be his main caregiver.  I sure hope I am ready for the task. 

Ella and Eliza were so cute when we walked in the front door.  I wish we had recorded them but they were super excited.  The excitement went downhill for Eliza when she realized that mommy would be holding Eli.  She has some big time adjusting to do!  Ella wants to be the mommy and thinks she can take care of Eli.  I am sure she will be a good helper, but I also know I will have to watch her at all times.

I do have lots of pictures to post but that will have to wait until tom.  This new mommy is going to have a long night!

Coming home soon.

This will be short and sweet because I am flat out exhausted.  I cannot seem to get my energy back.  Eli is doing well and it looks like he will be home really soon...maybe even tom.  I will be so thankful to have my family all under the same roof.  Kev and I will also be so thankful to not make daily or twice a day trips down to the hospital.  I hope I am ready for newborn days again.  It is easy to forget how challenging they can be.  Every night when my alarm goes off every few hours to pump, I remember that things are about to get more complicated.  I think my motto is going to be...slow!  Hopefully we can have some quiet and easy days at home and try to adjust to being a family of 5.

I am most excited at seeing Eliza's reaction to Eli.  She asks me daily to see (E-Li...pronounced with a short e like Ella) and she raises up my shirt to see my incision.  She is going be surprised.  Okay...time for sleep before my first alarm of the night goes off.

Eli Update

This is my sweet little Eli.  He really is the sweetest little thing.  He is doing really well and was moved up to full feeds today.  The NG tube should come out tomorrow if he does well through the night.  He also has his hearing screening tonight.  Tomorrow he has his car seat test.  Preemies have to sit in their car seat for over and hour and make sure their stable.  I guess it is time to get the car seat out of the garage, wash it and load it back into the car.  Hopefully, if all goes well he will be coming home in the next few days.

We were really excited when we heard that news this afternoon.  Going back and forth to the hospital is exhausting...the parking, the walking, the constant hand washing, making sure we have all the pump parts and milk.  Whew...we will be thankful to have our family all under one roof.

My excitement was somewhat shattered when the lady from the spina bifida clinic met with us later this afternoon.  Eli's lesion has always been labeled at L5.  Today we were told that the orthopedist said that it was L4-L5.  Then she said that the report said that his functional level was more like L3.  I think we were both very taken back.  I was devastated and Kev determined that he wouldn't accept one resident's opinion.  I am sure to many this difference means very little but in the spina bifida world it can be huge.  It can be the difference in being in a wheelchair or being a walker.  The most upsetting thing was that he thought his functional level was worse than the higher lesion level.  I am sure I am going to have to learn to not let things like this crush me....but it is so hard when it is your child.

I look at his sweet little face and I want nothing but,...normal for him.  I want him to be a normal little boy without all the struggles and issues of spina bifida.  I want him to run and play soccer and be able to keep up with his two big sisters.  We also learned that the same doctor thought that his hips might be dislocated.  This could mean a lot in the future in terms of surgery, casting, etc. 

I am scared...honestly, scared to death.  I am craving my old normal and trying to embrace this new journey we are on.  I think back to Ella and Eliza's newborn days and honestly they were the most exciting days of my life.  I hate that Eli's newborn days are overshadowed by my fears of the unknown.  Please continue to pray for Eli as well as the rest of our family.  I could really use prayer as I learn to care for 3 kids.  I am also still not feeling back to normal and I am so ready to feel good again.  Please pray for Ella and Eliza.  They have both been very clingy and I am sure having a new baby will be an adjustment for them (esp. Eliza).  Please pray for Kev as he is still looking for a job, a new car, and trying to regain his energy after his car wreck.  Please pray for Eli and his little legs and feet.  I will continue to pray that God will do more than we or his doctors would have imagined.  Thank you so much for keeping up with our family and for praying for us through this very challenging time in our lives.

Just for laughs...or I might cry!

I am sitting on the bed with my legs propped up high wearing my lovely white compression stockings.  You see my ankles have departed me since about last Friday and I have yet to find them.  Kev says I have lost my cankles and now have cankle rolls.  We try not to look at them or we might laugh or I might cry...and besides that really hurts my incision.

Yes, today all 18 staples came out.  Some easier than others and I am left with an infection in my incision.  No need to tell me any horror stories.  I read them all last night and by this morning I was for sure they would be sending me back to the hospital to re-open and pack my wound. I can think of nothing worse.  So far it appears that we caught it early and I am praying that the antibiotics will do their job.

Honestly, I have always felt a since a pride in my deliveries.  No, not that I went all naturale, I see nothing wrong with some pain management.  But rather in the fact that I could push my little lovies out in record time.  The doctors and nurses always praised me as a good pusher and were always so pleased with how well I always bounced back.  Kev and I were talking today and two days after having Eliza we went for a walk (slow) mind you, around the neighborhood, to try out our lovely new double stroller.  We did pay a fortune for it and I will be thankful to have it again the first time I attempt to go to Target with 3 kids 3 and under! Back to my thought... I felt great.  I felt ready to get my body back.  I think I even did my FIRM video about a week later.  Life was good.  Things were normal. No major swelling,  I refused to wear maternity clothes,even if that meant squeezing into regular clothes.   My body did what it was supposed to do.

Let's just say...things are bouncing and it isn't my body...or actually maybe it is!  Apparently, the lactation consultant who has been checking on me while visiting Eli has determined that I am milk cow.  In fact she called me that today.  It is evidenced by the fact that I am producing 7 to 8 times the amount of milk I should be right now!  Oh heavens, help me!  I have had this issue before, but it is way worse this go around.  I would elaborate more but I will stop for the sake of tmi.  Kev did suggest I might try setting up a "milk stand" outside the NICU and save some other moms some time.  (I do know that the opposite problem of this is not having enough milk and I in no way want to make anyone feel bad.  They are both issues.)  I do highly recommend humbling oneself and meeting with a lactation consultant.  I have done it with two of my babies and it has been so helpful to me!

Then there are the emotions.  Seriously, I cried the entire time through my doctor's appointment today.  I am sure she thought this lady has really lost it.  This is my fourth delivery and I have never felt so unlike myself.  No need to worry...I am on top of it and realize clearly what is normal for me and not.  I think the past 4 months and all it's events have finally caught up with me. I am just hoping that this will pass soon. 

Now, for what is really important.  Little Eli is doing well.  He is now completely off all oxygen and is breathing only room air.  He is talking both bottles and nursing some.  I do hope to nurse exclusively one day.  Right now, I just need to get him home, so we will have to use bottles for now.  He is wearing clothes now and has a head full of blondish hair.  He really looks like Kev, which I think is so cute.  But, I do want to make it clear that I have had a little to do with him...I mean...A LOT!!   He has physical therapy everyday and I have been there the past two days during that time.  I am learning lots of stretching exercises, that I will be doing multiple times a day with him. 

He is pee-peeping and pooping like crazy and has a really bad diaper rash.  That can be more common in babies with SB, but they also change him like once every 3 hours and I know I will do it more often at home.  He is a peanut and has regained his birth weight and now weighs 4lbs 7oz.  Yesterday morning, I walked into the nursery and immediately heard a baby crying.  I told my mom that I thought it was Eli.  Sure enough, he was screaming his little lungs out.  It is so funny how only after a week and not hearing his little cry that often yet, my mommy ears are already attune to him.  He is so precious and I pray over his little legs and feet a million times a day.

And if you see me out and about and don't recognize me...just realize that this too shall pass!

Look who is wearing clothes!!!

Kev and I just got home from our late night visit with Eli.  I am trying to visit him every morning and every evening so I can nurse and be there with him.  He is doing really well.  He got moved from the Level 3 nicu to the Level 2 nursery.  He was only on 2% oxygen and the plan is to completely wean him from it tonight as long as he does fine.  They are continuing to up his feeds each day and he had his first bottle today and nursed well tonight.  Mommy and Daddy were so proud of him. 

Thank you all for your sweet comments.  I have felt better today.  I am just exhausted and I am so ready for my body to feel more normal again.  I think all the weeks of taking it easy and then hospital bedrest has really zapped my energy level. 

When we arrived tonight he was wearing clothes!  So cute!

I don't know when Eli will be coming home, but mommy and daddy have a lot to do to get ready for his arrival.  I can't wait.

Oh, baby blues...

Today has been my hardest day since Eli was born.  This being my fourth pregnancy, I am well acquainted with the baby blues.  I even know how bad it can feel to bury your baby 3 days after delivering him, while facing the onset of a huge change in hormones.  Today I can do nothing but cry.  Generally, I am not a crier.  I have done nothing but cry today.  Some say that pregnancy is a beautiful thing...and I agree that God growing a little human life over 9 short months (or sometimes less) with all it's complexities, is a truly beautiful thing.  But let me make one thing clear....the aftermath of pregnancy is no beautiful thing. 

In fact, I don't know if I have ever felt so physically unattractive. Maybe plain ole ugly is a better word and no I am not looking for any compliments...I am just being honest.   If you are a man, only because I know my dad occasionally reads my blog (when my mom tells him he should :) you might want to just skip this next paragraph.   My body is just plain swollen.  I have never had this happen so bad with my other deliveries.  I guess it has something to do with having a c-section.  My ankles, hands, legs, face....all swollen.  My ankles are the worst.  My toes don't even look like my toes.  Then there are the parts of your body that change so that you can nourish your newborn baby.  I always have a hard time with this part.  When my milk arrives it arrives with a vengeance.  I was prepared....but I HATE this part.  There really is no relief so far.  I have read everything there is to do and I have tried it all over the years....hot compresses, frozen ice packs, hot shower, even cabbage leaves.  I think things are different this time since I am exclusively pumping for now.  I can tell that pumping just isn't as effective as nursing.  And yes, I have a great and expensive pump!  Then there is the clothing issue.  I really look about 6 months pregnant still at this point.  I have about 20 staples in my stomach and nothing covers or is comfortable.  I can assure you that one thing I will not do is put back on one of the four outfits I wore in the hospital!!   Sorry for venting ...but I really think that sexually active teenagers should have to experience postpartum at it's best and they might just reconsider.

Okay, enough about the body!  I do think all of those terrible feelings are generally helped when you watch your little one sleep of spend those first days loving on your new little one.  It doesn't make all the uncomfortableness and body issues disappear, but it does make it all seem worth it.  Today I am also really worried about Eli.  Generally, things have been going well so far.  I called this morning and talked to his nurse and he was able to come off the light therapy and his levels are better.  They are also weaning him down from the oxygen. He was only on about 30% to begin with.   I think they are going to give him a bottle and I will try to nurse him when I get there for his afternoon feeding.  It is hard to let someone give him bottle.  I hate to miss any of his first.  I know we have a lot to be thankful for when compared to what others are facing.

I am really worried about his legs and feet. His legs have very low tone and one appears smaller than the other.  He appears to have little feeling below his thighs and knees.  His feet also appear to have little feeling and are not sensitive at all to touch.  They are floppy and they both turn in.  My mommy heart is having a terrible time even writing this.  It is hard when all you can do is love him and rub those sweet little legs and feet.  I do love each little part of him, just as he is...I just hate for him to have struggles ahead.  It breaks my heart more than anything I think I have ever faced. 

I know there is a lot that can be done to help Eli with bracing, casting, walkers, and wheelchairs...I was just hoping we might be one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go down that path.  We continue to appreciate your prayers for our sweet little guy as we begin to adjust.  Thank you all for your sweet and encouraging comments on both my blog and on facebook. 

Someone got to meet her baby brother....

We took Ella this morning to meet her brother Eli.  I hated so much leaving Eliza, but she is too young to go into the NICU.  It was a lot of fun watching and listening to Ella interact with Eli for the first time.  She talked to him just like they had been best buds for forever.  She said, "Hey Eli, it's Ella.  We got a Liza too...she is Elizabeth."  It was so funny.  She kept telling him to wake up and get up.  Obviously, she has forgotten that little babies sleep A lot!  I loved how she loved him immediately and treated him no differently.  He was sunbathing for the day when we left him.

Tonight Kev and I went back for a little visit.  It was the first time I could hardly stand leaving him.  It is exhausting right now trying to get there to spend time with him, but I cannot stand to be away for long.  Tonight was also the first time in a few days that I feel scared for his future.  I know why...I love him so much already and I want only the best for him.  We have a lot to be thankful for so far. Yet, I know there are some challenges ahead.  I know eventually we will get some difficult news, it is like I am starting to brace myself.  I keep reminding myself that I would love Ella or Eliza no differently if they faced physical challenges or were in a wheelchair.  They would still be my sweet little girls.  I know the same is true for Eli.  I know we will love him no matter what we face....I just don't want to face it.