Nov. 7
th, 2005 was a day that changed me forever. I was almost 26 and 20 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband K and I had planned on having a family since we got married but the timing was finally right to start our family. We tried once and to our surprise we got pregnant (I don't say that
bragging because it surely wasn't that easy the second time around.) I say that to note that this was God's plan.
Back to Nov. 7
th, we arrived at my ob office for my 20week ultrasound followed by an appointment. I had taught school all day and could hardly contain my
excitement! I was dying to know if we were having a boy or a girl. My pregnancy so far had been picture perfect. Little morning sickness, great appointments, and I was just so excited to be having our first child. I could hardly focus enough to teach my class of first graders throughout the day. I remember as I left school that day my teacher friends yelled down the hall, "Call us as soon as you find out!" We were all excited.
Only God knew what was coming! I'll fast forward to the ultrasound. After a few minutes I began to realize that something was not right. The tech was asking me some questions like...had I been sick...had I leaked any fluid..and a few more...all to which I answered no. Then she began to tell us that she was concerned because I had very very little amniotic fluid! I began to panic and squeeze K's hand as she continued to scan. I really didn't know what this meant. I guess the worst thing I was thinking was perhaps a child with a mental disability, downs syndrome, or perhaps a physical handicap..and at the moment that seemed devastating...but I would soon find myself wishing it was only one of those things.
Of course the doc. was called in and told us that this was most likely one of two
conditions. One that was a genetic condition...meaning K and I would both have to be carriers or another condition that is NOT genetic but has no reason for it's cause...they call it a FLUKE! Okay so what does this mean for us for my baby??? They wanted us to go to another Doc. for a higher risk ultrasound that day but because of the time they could only get us in the next morning.
We went to my parents house that night...just to shaken to go home. We began to research these
conditions and what we found was that both were always fatal. Babies with these
conditions do not survive..do to many issues at birth. Totally scared and just in shock....I remember thinking these kinds of things aren't
supposed to happen to me! We went to the appointment the following morning. I was so nervous, anxious...I felt like I was going to throw-up! I'll never forget as they scanned ... it was hard to see our baby. Since this was my first pregnancy I had nothing to compare it to...but it was so hard to really see what was what due to the low fluid levels. But as the doc. scanned he went over the face of our baby and there we could see two little eyes and a little face looking right at us. There it was...my baby...still unsure whether it was a boy or girl...and really that didn't seem nearly as important as it did the day before.
I remember being asked on more than one occasion..."Mrs. Giordano, are you sure you want to continue your pregnancy?" I knew the right answer... yes! Of c
ourse I was going to continue my pregnancy...I mean I am a christian. I have always said that was was
PRo-life...of course I want to continue this
pregnancy. It was my baby for heaven's sake. And yet at this point I began to feel somewhat unattached to my baby.
UHHHH...such a hard time in my life. I was carrying this child and yet I knew that I would not get to have this child but for a short time.
The doc. began having me come in every week to listen for a heartbeat because there was a chance that our baby could die in
utero. They told me I could sit in an outside waiting room to avoid all the happily expecting pregnant mothers. It just wasn't fair. Week after week our little baby's heart continued to beat strong. I was trying to just make it! There were days when I just so wanted this all to just be over. Over so that I could get my body back and no longer look or feel
pregnant...over so that we could try again. As crazy as it sounds I just wanted...needed a baby!
I often though that if I were not a christian I could see how a women when found in a hard situation would choose abortion. Seemed fast and the nightmare would be over! Yet I knew the truth...that God had Knit this baby together in my inmost. That he knew this child and I could trust HIM..that he had a plan, had not forsaken us, and would be with us. I was terrified about the delivery, scared of the unknown..yet the Lord continued to give me peace which sustained me day by day.
I think the Lord knew my anxious heart and I went into
pre-term labor at just 33 weeks. and on Jan.31, 2006 I met a my precious little Samuel for a few short hours. Samuel was 3lbs 4oz and way more beautiful than I ever imagined.
I write All this not for your
symphathy or condolences...as the Lord has step by step been faithful and true and GOOD to us. I write it because as the elections are over my mind has recently thought so much about the decision I made to carry our child. I without a doubt know that either way my baby would have been okay. I trust that God loves each child no matter how small, wanted, or unwanted. I often think of how I would have been the one to suffer. Had I have not pressed on toward my goal I would have missed seeing my child, missed holding my child, missed having pictures which we cherish, a lock of his hair, and clothes that he wore. I would have missed seeing how God
orchestrated events so detailed and perfect for Samuel's birth. I couldn't have done this if I had tried. I would have missed hearing my doctor with tears in her eyes tell me that although she believes in God she did not understand my choice...but after coming to Samuel's funeral and seeing his pictures she understood why we did what we did. I would have felt
guilty. I would have wondered what if...I would have regret.
I am thankful that God has used this in my life...almost on a weekly basis. I very often get asked it e is my only child and I always reply that we have a little boy in heaven that we lost at birth. They usually reply...oh I am so sorry. This gives me an opportunity to share my faith by saying, "It was the hardest time of my life but the Lord got me through and has blessed us with a beautiful baby girl."
Hopefully this will encourage someone when faced with a tough situation to trust God and leave the results to Him. For He does all things well.
