Four Years

Sunday would be our little Samuel's 4th Birthday. Everytime I think about that, it is like WOW....I cannot believe it has already been four years!!! I have always spent a lot of time preparing for ella's birthdays. I start thinking about it way in advance and I enjoy making and planning a special time just for her. No doubt I will do the same for miss eliza in a few months too. It may sound strange...but samuel is no different. No, I do not make cutesy decorations, invitations, plan the party, buy the gift...but in a different way I spend time preparing my self for each of his birthdays. It is almost like a hurdle we jump across each year. After Christmas is over it is the next big thing on the calendar in my mind. January, 31st....a day that cannot be overlooked, taken for granted or wished away. The day I was given a son!

We choose to remember and celebrate his life each year. I guess it is similar to someone celebrating the anniversaries of "surviving" cancer. Each year marks another year that you have made it...another year that life has continued to go on....another year that puts you farther from that difficult time....another year that you have survived!

As each year passes I feel like we have done more than just survive without our little guy...we are living! All praise be to God who is the only one who brings life again after death! We are living busy days full of diapers, dishes, and the two cutest little girlies who really keep us hoppin! There are days that go by and to be honest I don't really even think of Samuel. That may sound unmotherly....not that he is ever forgotten...but I know he is secure. My thoughts are so consumed with my immediate responsibilities. This is such a change from the months and early years after losing him. My thoughts were constantly on him. My heart was constantly longing! I am so thankful for the peace that time, the Lord and my two little girls have brought into my heart.

Still there are days when we still miss him so much! Like last Saturday when we were driving through the Target parking lot looking for a park and a cute little guy probably about 3-4 years of age was walking hand in hand with his daddy. He was the spittin image of his dad and it made my heart hurt for Kev. How cute would they be together. He'd be old enough to start soccer this year and I know he'd have the best coach ever. I miss him when I see our family picture. It just isn't complete...it won't ever be. I miss him when I think of having more kids. Haven't I done it enough already??? I have had 3 in four years....but I never feel content because I didn't get to keep all of mine! I miss him on days that I have to buy flowers for his grave. No mother should have to do that. I miss him when I drive by the cemetery and know that my child is buried there.

Thankfully, those days are few and far between and God is still healing our hearts.