Hello World....

or whoever is out there reading my blog other than my sister and my mom....I am tired today. I am super tired and feeling very sleep deprived! I think the nights of 2 or so hours of sleep at a time are beginning to catch up with me and my brain isn't working so well.

For example, I keep waking out of a sound sleep in a panic because I think I've forgotten to put eliza back in her bassinet. Of course she is fed, swaddled and sleeping soundly, but it sure is not a fun way to wake up. I also keep having to stop think if my dreams were real or not. I keep having a reoccurring dream of ella getting out of her crib and being off playing throughout the house, and I am trying to find her. (I am sure I keep dreaming this because I know eventually she is going to figure out that if she throws her leg a little higher she could escape!)

Are you beginning to see a theme??? Fear??? I have been struggling with some fear issues lately. Maybe it is all this swine flu talk and I am trying like crazy to protect my girls from it! Maybe it is the fact that I know that eliza would need a full medical work-up if she got sick (for about three more weeks!) Maybe it is the fact that I have a toddler that likes to love her, kiss her and get right in her face. Maybe it is because I have a doctor's appointment next week that I have been dreading for a while. Maybe it is a lack of faith and trust in God. Maybe it is because I do know that bad things happen to good people and people who love the Lord. Maybe it is because eliza's angel care monitor went off yesterday afternoon while she was napping and scared us to death. (If you don't know what this is or if you have a young baby I highly recommend it!) It is a monitor that detects her breathing and movements. If she doesn't breathe or move for a few seconds an alarm will go off. We got this to help calm my fears about SIDS. I really struggled with this when ella was a baby. I have been doing really good getting eliza back to sleep and being able to go to sleep myself....I never thought the alarm would go off. Maybe it just malfunctioned or maybe she did stop breathing for a second or two but I am just thankful she was fine. So that is where I am today.

I know the Lord knows my fears! I continually pray that He will place a hedge of protection around us! I pray that He will help me to balance my need to be an informed and cautious mommy with complete faith and trust in Him. Sometimes it is hard to fully surrender those things we love most. The precious little 8 or so pounds of sweetness I am holding right now and the worn out little red head who is sleeping safely in her crib. I have to daily surrender them so that they can grow to be and do what God has for them. Help me Lord...being a mommy is hard!