Today has been my hardest day since Eli was born. This being my fourth pregnancy, I am well acquainted with the baby blues. I even know how bad it can feel to bury your baby 3 days after delivering him, while facing the onset of a huge change in hormones. Today I can do nothing but cry. Generally, I am not a crier. I have done nothing but cry today. Some say that pregnancy is a beautiful thing...and I agree that God growing a little human life over 9 short months (or sometimes less) with all it's complexities, is a truly beautiful thing. But let me make one thing clear....the aftermath of pregnancy is no beautiful thing.
In fact, I don't know if I have ever felt so physically unattractive. Maybe plain ole ugly is a better word and no I am not looking for any compliments...I am just being honest. If you are a man, only because I know my dad occasionally reads my blog (when my mom tells him he should :) you might want to just skip this next paragraph. My body is just plain swollen. I have never had this happen so bad with my other deliveries. I guess it has something to do with having a c-section. My ankles, hands, legs, face....all swollen. My ankles are the worst. My toes don't even look like my toes. Then there are the parts of your body that change so that you can nourish your newborn baby. I always have a hard time with this part. When my milk arrives it arrives with a vengeance. I was prepared....but I HATE this part. There really is no relief so far. I have read everything there is to do and I have tried it all over the years....hot compresses, frozen ice packs, hot shower, even cabbage leaves. I think things are different this time since I am exclusively pumping for now. I can tell that pumping just isn't as effective as nursing. And yes, I have a great and expensive pump! Then there is the clothing issue. I really look about 6 months pregnant still at this point. I have about 20 staples in my stomach and nothing covers or is comfortable. I can assure you that one thing I will not do is put back on one of the four outfits I wore in the hospital!! Sorry for venting ...but I really think that sexually active teenagers should have to experience postpartum at it's best and they might just reconsider.
Okay, enough about the body! I do think all of those terrible feelings are generally helped when you watch your little one sleep of spend those first days loving on your new little one. It doesn't make all the uncomfortableness and body issues disappear, but it does make it all seem worth it. Today I am also really worried about Eli. Generally, things have been going well so far. I called this morning and talked to his nurse and he was able to come off the light therapy and his levels are better. They are also weaning him down from the oxygen. He was only on about 30% to begin with. I think they are going to give him a bottle and I will try to nurse him when I get there for his afternoon feeding. It is hard to let someone give him bottle. I hate to miss any of his first. I know we have a lot to be thankful for when compared to what others are facing.
I am really worried about his legs and feet. His legs have very low tone and one appears smaller than the other. He appears to have little feeling below his thighs and knees. His feet also appear to have little feeling and are not sensitive at all to touch. They are floppy and they both turn in. My mommy heart is having a terrible time even writing this. It is hard when all you can do is love him and rub those sweet little legs and feet. I do love each little part of him, just as he is...I just hate for him to have struggles ahead. It breaks my heart more than anything I think I have ever faced.
I know there is a lot that can be done to help Eli with bracing, casting, walkers, and wheelchairs...I was just hoping we might be one of the lucky ones who didn't have to go down that path. We continue to appreciate your prayers for our sweet little guy as we begin to adjust. Thank you all for your sweet and encouraging comments on both my blog and on facebook.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Someone got to meet her baby brother....
We took Ella this morning to meet her brother Eli. I hated so much leaving Eliza, but she is too young to go into the NICU. It was a lot of fun watching and listening to Ella interact with Eli for the first time. She talked to him just like they had been best buds for forever. She said, "Hey Eli, it's Ella. We got a Liza too...she is Elizabeth." It was so funny. She kept telling him to wake up and get up. Obviously, she has forgotten that little babies sleep A lot! I loved how she loved him immediately and treated him no differently. He was sunbathing for the day when we left him.
Tonight Kev and I went back for a little visit. It was the first time I could hardly stand leaving him. It is exhausting right now trying to get there to spend time with him, but I cannot stand to be away for long. Tonight was also the first time in a few days that I feel scared for his future. I know why...I love him so much already and I want only the best for him. We have a lot to be thankful for so far. Yet, I know there are some challenges ahead. I know eventually we will get some difficult news, it is like I am starting to brace myself. I keep reminding myself that I would love Ella or Eliza no differently if they faced physical challenges or were in a wheelchair. They would still be my sweet little girls. I know the same is true for Eli. I know we will love him no matter what we face....I just don't want to face it.
The answer is Yes!!
One surprising day in December,
Three Early ultrasounds at 6, 8, and 12 weeks,
A devastating diagnosis day in March,
Hours upon hours of research on the computer,
An Amnio and days of waiting,
Airline tickets purchased and consult in another state,
Lots and lots of prayers,
10 hour trip with family and friends,
A scary 4 hour surgery,
A week in the hospital far away from home,
A stomach that will never look the same,
A Flight home in a thunderstorm,
Eight weeks on modified bedrest at home,
Weeks of letting others help me,
12 weeks of not driving,
A summer with no pool, beach or vacation,
8 weeks of long Friday afternoon appointments,
4 weeks of hospital bedrest,
8 IV's
30 days away from home,
4 weeks of 5:00 rounds and annoying questions from med students
4 weeks of leaking...sorry TMI
23 ultrasounds,
27 Non-stress tests
A really not fun c-section experience,
Another not pretty incision,
cankles in a major way,
Milk, milk, and do I say more milk....
So, was it worth it?
Tonight while I nursed my little baby boy for the first time and he opened his tiny little baby eyes and really looked at me for the first time ever...the answer is YES!!! Every minute, every fear, every pain, every inconvenience, every tear...he is so worth it! I love you Eli Matthew!
Three Early ultrasounds at 6, 8, and 12 weeks,
A devastating diagnosis day in March,
Hours upon hours of research on the computer,
An Amnio and days of waiting,
Airline tickets purchased and consult in another state,
Lots and lots of prayers,
10 hour trip with family and friends,
A scary 4 hour surgery,
A week in the hospital far away from home,
A stomach that will never look the same,
A Flight home in a thunderstorm,
Eight weeks on modified bedrest at home,
Weeks of letting others help me,
12 weeks of not driving,
A summer with no pool, beach or vacation,
8 weeks of long Friday afternoon appointments,
4 weeks of hospital bedrest,
8 IV's
30 days away from home,
4 weeks of 5:00 rounds and annoying questions from med students
4 weeks of leaking...sorry TMI
23 ultrasounds,
27 Non-stress tests
A really not fun c-section experience,
Another not pretty incision,
cankles in a major way,
Milk, milk, and do I say more milk....
So, was it worth it?
Tonight while I nursed my little baby boy for the first time and he opened his tiny little baby eyes and really looked at me for the first time ever...the answer is YES!!! Every minute, every fear, every pain, every inconvenience, every tear...he is so worth it! I love you Eli Matthew!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
2 days old
First of all I hope my last post about my c-section doesn't scare anyone. After having 3 normal deliveries, it was just a super different experience for me. I also was super scared and had some uncommon side effects. I do know lots of people that have had several c-sections and they have had great experiences. It was also so different from my fetal surgery because I was completely out.
Today has been a much better day so far. I was able to take a shower and I feel like a new person. We got up to the NICU early enough to be there for rounds. The doctors were very nice in accentuating the positive. So far Eli's bladder ultrasound looked good and he is not being cathed at this point. It can always change quickly, but so far he is voiding on his own. The urologist will continue to follow him in the next few weeks and he will have a urodynamics test done around 3 months....I think. Neurology also did a head ultrasound and at this point they aren't going to do an MRI. We were unable to get an exact measurement of his ventricles, but the doctors are going to get it for us tomorrow. They will continue to measure his head daily and monitor it. So far that is good news. PT and OT should be by today or tom. to evaluate him and get services started. Everyone is concerned over his loss of tone in his lower extremities, but they have seen some movement in his hips and a little in his legs. I know enough to know it is not normal, but we are thankful that there is a little.
This morning we got to spend a lot of time holding and bonding with little Eli. We are pretty taken with him and we love him just as he is. He pulled his nasal cannula out today as well as his ng tube. He was not happy when the nurse had to put it back. I even got to try breastfeeding him a little. For now I am pumping around the clock and the nurses carefully give him each milliliter I bring. I am glad to do this for him.
We are getting ready to head back and spend the afternoon with him. We are both so exhausted. Every time I pump I fall asleep, but we want to spend as much time with him before we go home tomorrow. Did you hear that....I am going home tom!! I now feel strangely attached to this place and will miss my little Eli. I knew I was going to feel this way!
Today has been a much better day so far. I was able to take a shower and I feel like a new person. We got up to the NICU early enough to be there for rounds. The doctors were very nice in accentuating the positive. So far Eli's bladder ultrasound looked good and he is not being cathed at this point. It can always change quickly, but so far he is voiding on his own. The urologist will continue to follow him in the next few weeks and he will have a urodynamics test done around 3 months....I think. Neurology also did a head ultrasound and at this point they aren't going to do an MRI. We were unable to get an exact measurement of his ventricles, but the doctors are going to get it for us tomorrow. They will continue to measure his head daily and monitor it. So far that is good news. PT and OT should be by today or tom. to evaluate him and get services started. Everyone is concerned over his loss of tone in his lower extremities, but they have seen some movement in his hips and a little in his legs. I know enough to know it is not normal, but we are thankful that there is a little.
This morning we got to spend a lot of time holding and bonding with little Eli. We are pretty taken with him and we love him just as he is. He pulled his nasal cannula out today as well as his ng tube. He was not happy when the nurse had to put it back. I even got to try breastfeeding him a little. For now I am pumping around the clock and the nurses carefully give him each milliliter I bring. I am glad to do this for him.
We are getting ready to head back and spend the afternoon with him. We are both so exhausted. Every time I pump I fall asleep, but we want to spend as much time with him before we go home tomorrow. Did you hear that....I am going home tom!! I now feel strangely attached to this place and will miss my little Eli. I knew I was going to feel this way!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Eli's Birth Story
I want to write down the events surrounding Eli's birth while it is still fresh in my mind. Yesterday my c-section was originally scheduled for 11am. We were told from the start that it might get delayed and so we weren't surprised when hour after hour passed. It was a long morning of waiting. I'd have moments when I'd forget what was ahead and relax for a bit and then all of a sudden I would get so anxious.
Finally, at 2:20 they came and got me. It was a surreal feeling knowing what was getting ready to happen. I also had my lovely glasses on and I hate wearing them. I don't see so great in them so it always makes me feel like I am in a blurry dream. If you have bad eyes you probably know what I am talking about. I was a nervous mess.
Kev remained in the hall while I went in and they quickly began prepping me. I have had 4 epidurals in my life and so I know what that entails. Yesterday I was to get a spinal instead. The anesthesiologist resident used me as a pin cushion. He just couldn't get it into the right spot. I felt sorry for him because he was trying but to be honest, I was not happy. I sat trying to stay curled with my shoulders down while he tried over and over. Finally, I said, why is it taking so long. The attending asked if she could take over and before I knew it my legs were finally going numb.
They laid me back and were getting everything prepped. I felt so anxious. They kept testing me to make sure I was getting numb. Those kind of questions always make me nervous because what if I think I am numb, but I am not really numb enough. I was all strapped down and they did their little time out thing and I heard the doctor call for the scalpel.
They finally brought Kev into the OR just as they began, and he sat rubbing my head and telling me that I was doing great. I got a major case of the shakes as I always do with anesthesia and my lovely blood pressure began bottoming out. The lowest it got was 50/27. I really felt terrible and like I was going to pass out. Apparently I had some scar tissue from my fetal surgery and so things began taking a little longer. At 3:29 they told me we were about one minute from baby. I got so anxious and before I knew it there was the tiniest little thing raised up above the curtain.
I remember him crying and I remember being immediately concerned about his legs and feet. I could tell something was wrong. He has also been in the pike position for about 14 weeks. They both looked clubbed to me and I was sad. He was so precious, but I felt so scared.
The C-section took longer than expected and laying strapped to that table awake for over two hours about did me in. I kept asking for some drugs to help me relax or go to sleep, but they couldn't give them to me until they could get my blood pressure up. By the time they were closing up all of a sudden I started to feel them stitching. Of course I immediately let them know and they gave me local anesthesia, so they could finish.
Once I got to the recovery room I was really feeling a lot of pain. I don't think I've ever been in that much pain. They gave me several different things and nothing was helping. My blood pressure was down again and my ears were clogging up. I knew I was close to passing out again. Thankfully, I started to feel a little better after a little while. I was in recovery for over 4 hours. While I was in there they wheeled Eli through so I could see him. He was so sweet and they said he was breathing on his own and going to the level 2 nursery. I was so glad, but really I just felt pretty rough. All I knew was that I was thankful to no longer be pregnant, thankful that Eli was doing well, and thankful that I will never ever have to do that again.
Today I have been trying to rest, busy pumping for Eli every 3 hours, and visiting the NICU. We have made 4-5 trips to see him today and tonight I finally got to hold him for the first time. This morning he was showing signs of respiratory distress he was moved to the NICU. They did have to incubate him for about 5-10 minutes to give him surfactant. We were there while they were working on him and he was not happy about it. It was not fun to watch. They put him on a c-pap for a short period of time, but again he didn't like it at all. Then they just put him on oxygen through a nasal cannula. He has been doing good throughout the day. Tomorrow morning we will be at rounds and hopefully will find out more about his head ultrasound, kidney ultrasound and other test that have been done.
To be honest, I am really not feeling so well tonight. I know it is to be expected, but I am so ready to feel good. I am praying that tomorrow I will begin to feel better. Thanks for checking in on us and for all of your prayers.
Hopefully tomorrow we will have some new pictures. We were told we couldn't take a camera into the NICU last night and then tonight we were told we could. :)
Finally, at 2:20 they came and got me. It was a surreal feeling knowing what was getting ready to happen. I also had my lovely glasses on and I hate wearing them. I don't see so great in them so it always makes me feel like I am in a blurry dream. If you have bad eyes you probably know what I am talking about. I was a nervous mess.
Kev remained in the hall while I went in and they quickly began prepping me. I have had 4 epidurals in my life and so I know what that entails. Yesterday I was to get a spinal instead. The anesthesiologist resident used me as a pin cushion. He just couldn't get it into the right spot. I felt sorry for him because he was trying but to be honest, I was not happy. I sat trying to stay curled with my shoulders down while he tried over and over. Finally, I said, why is it taking so long. The attending asked if she could take over and before I knew it my legs were finally going numb.
They laid me back and were getting everything prepped. I felt so anxious. They kept testing me to make sure I was getting numb. Those kind of questions always make me nervous because what if I think I am numb, but I am not really numb enough. I was all strapped down and they did their little time out thing and I heard the doctor call for the scalpel.
They finally brought Kev into the OR just as they began, and he sat rubbing my head and telling me that I was doing great. I got a major case of the shakes as I always do with anesthesia and my lovely blood pressure began bottoming out. The lowest it got was 50/27. I really felt terrible and like I was going to pass out. Apparently I had some scar tissue from my fetal surgery and so things began taking a little longer. At 3:29 they told me we were about one minute from baby. I got so anxious and before I knew it there was the tiniest little thing raised up above the curtain.
I remember him crying and I remember being immediately concerned about his legs and feet. I could tell something was wrong. He has also been in the pike position for about 14 weeks. They both looked clubbed to me and I was sad. He was so precious, but I felt so scared.
The C-section took longer than expected and laying strapped to that table awake for over two hours about did me in. I kept asking for some drugs to help me relax or go to sleep, but they couldn't give them to me until they could get my blood pressure up. By the time they were closing up all of a sudden I started to feel them stitching. Of course I immediately let them know and they gave me local anesthesia, so they could finish.
Once I got to the recovery room I was really feeling a lot of pain. I don't think I've ever been in that much pain. They gave me several different things and nothing was helping. My blood pressure was down again and my ears were clogging up. I knew I was close to passing out again. Thankfully, I started to feel a little better after a little while. I was in recovery for over 4 hours. While I was in there they wheeled Eli through so I could see him. He was so sweet and they said he was breathing on his own and going to the level 2 nursery. I was so glad, but really I just felt pretty rough. All I knew was that I was thankful to no longer be pregnant, thankful that Eli was doing well, and thankful that I will never ever have to do that again.
Today I have been trying to rest, busy pumping for Eli every 3 hours, and visiting the NICU. We have made 4-5 trips to see him today and tonight I finally got to hold him for the first time. This morning he was showing signs of respiratory distress he was moved to the NICU. They did have to incubate him for about 5-10 minutes to give him surfactant. We were there while they were working on him and he was not happy about it. It was not fun to watch. They put him on a c-pap for a short period of time, but again he didn't like it at all. Then they just put him on oxygen through a nasal cannula. He has been doing good throughout the day. Tomorrow morning we will be at rounds and hopefully will find out more about his head ultrasound, kidney ultrasound and other test that have been done.
To be honest, I am really not feeling so well tonight. I know it is to be expected, but I am so ready to feel good. I am praying that tomorrow I will begin to feel better. Thanks for checking in on us and for all of your prayers.
Hopefully tomorrow we will have some new pictures. We were told we couldn't take a camera into the NICU last night and then tonight we were told we could. :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
He is here!
Eli Matthew Giordano
4lbs. 5 oz.
3:30 pm
It has been a terribly long day. I am exhausted and thankful to be feeling some better tonight. He is precious and I can't wait to really get to see him tomorrow. I will post more tom. He is in the Level 2 nursery and is breathing on his own so far. His back looks great and he is having a head ultrasound tonight. Please pray for his little legs and his sweet little feet. Thank you for praying the Lord has answered!
4lbs. 5 oz.
3:30 pm
And we wait a little longer...
My 11:00 c-section will hopefully be more like 2-2:30. I am ready to get this show on the road! Thanks for the prayers!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)