A Musing

Kev and I don't do big gift giving for Valentine's Day, but I like to always try to think of something. Last year I made him a steak dinner. This year I am still thinking. I have a few ideas so we'll see. I always want to give him something that he would be really excited about...but he rarely gets excited about gifts. He is the kind of guy who always says...I don't need anything, I'd rather you just save the money! That makes gift giving tons of fun!

It's so funny how life changes as you go through different stages of life. Right now we are full blown into the mommy and daddy season. Our days are busy and filled with diapers, keeping little tummies full, car seats, diaper bag packing, sippy cup toting, stroller pushing, discipline enforcing, fear comforting (ella is now scared of everything), and lots of loving mingled in between. Some days there seems to be so little of me left by the time kev gets home that I really just want to lock myself in the closet or bathroom for about 30 minutes and take some deep breaths. It is a blessed and busy season of life.

Sometimes I find myself thinking fondly about our 5 years alone prior to our kiddos. I read this poem the other day and it made me laugh!

A Musing

by Darryl and Wanda

When I think of things

we Do Without

Like Parties, Trips and Dining out

Furniture that Goes Together

vacation Homes in Sunny Weather

Like Moonlit Walks

Just you and me

(Not to mention Spontaneity)

It gets me down until I hear

That little cry from one so dear,

Reminding us we're needed now

to kiss and soothe a furrowed brow

Because our lifestyle's rearranged

We dream of life before it changed

But wouldn't trade all this COMMOTION

For any of that wistful Notion!

Happy Valentine's Day!

And we wouldn't change it either...although a quiet dinner or relaxing vacation sounds really really nice!

Sisters

God Can Bring Good!

My dad is a pastor...has been one my entire life...and is still my pastor today! He said something three Sunday's ago that really hit home with me. Something I am sure he's said before. A truth that I know and often forget. He was talking about the devastation in Haiti and how so often people might think...why did God "let" this happen or "cause" this to happen. I often think like this too. God, ummm where are you? Do you see? Hello? He reminded us that for the moment the Bible states that Satan is the "prince of this world." Satan is doing his best to bring devastation, hurt, death, pain, fear, and evil!! Why? Because of God's great Love for this World...for his children...for his people! Satan can hurt God by hurting those God loves and in fact He loves this world so much that he Gave his only son to die for us....you all know it...Jn. 3:16!

While satan may have some authority and control, God is Soverign over all things. God is all powerful and the day will come when God takes Over...but until that day there will be the bad stuff: sin, disease, heartache, pain, and death!

This hit home with me because I too often forget how much God loves me and how much Satan hates God! Our loss of Samuel...our hurt... our pain! Satan would have loved to use this to destroy us! To destroy our faith in God. To destroy our marriage. To destroy our Christian witness. To destroy our hope. While Satan may be the author of death....God is the healer of hearts. What Satan wanted to use to hurt us.... God allowed because he saw the greater good.

He saw Kevin who cannot teach a Sunday School lesson without shedding a tear. My husband is not a crier...in fact I really only see him cry when he is teaching about the Lord. He has softened his heart to the things of God...and given him a passion and a love for God's Word.

He saw me. A girl who wanted babies more than anything. He saw that I could be less prideful, more compassionate and more willing to share about Christ.

He saw a family. More in love with each other and more dedicated to Him.

He saw more babies in the future.

He saw lives changed...lives touched.

He saw that our faith in Him would grow.

He knows death is not final and eternity is waiting.

He had a plan...He saw a purpose!

What satan meant for harm....God used for Good!

We serve a Mighty Saviour!

I Remember

I remember....

-my two sweet nurses , Mary and Becky...sweet nurses...who helped me through the fears of my first delivery.

-the shirt that Kev wore that day. It still hangs in his closet yet hasn't been worn since.

-that small little room where God made His presence so real to me.

-seeing my first born child. I thought he was the most precious thing I'd ever seen.

-his toes like his daddy and his little bit of reddish hair.

-his mouth that is like is sisters.

-wishing things were different yet knowing God would use this in our lives.

-watching my parents hold my child for the first time.

-friends that came by to show us love...friends from our Sunday School class, a parent from my first grade class at school.

-knowing Samuel was in the presence of my Saviour as I held his physical body.

-cards upon cards that were sent by our church family and friends.

-the many donations made to our church nursery fund in memory of Samuel.

-the sweet charm bought by a new friend who had lost a baby. She had it engraved with Samuel name and birth date and brought it to me to wear to the funeral.

-The huge meal of spaghetti and salad made by our Sunday School class and other meals brought to us by our church family.

-carrying Samuel's pictures in my purse each day and wanting to "show him off to everyone" yet you just can't.

-keeping his pictures and blanket out for a long time....then moving them to a special box in our room...and then just last year being able to move the box to our living room. I think anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to just needing those things close by.

-sitting in the foyer of the hospital as Kevin pulled up the car. They made me leave in a wheel chair even though I said I was fine to walk. I remember sitting there empty handed...

-feeling proud of myself for delivering a baby... I had been so scared!

-that little blue box....so small yet so valuable to me.

-the beautiful and warm February afternoon.

-the light breeze that filled the tent.

-the quiver in my dad's voice and he conducted the funeral.

-feeling more unified than ever with Kevin...we were a team and this had happened to US.

-the beautiful flowers sent to my mom's house.

-"It is well, with my soul" and "I Am"

-All the cars lined up around the cemetery.

-Being so thankful to get to stay at my parents house for a while.

-Singing "Blessed be your Name" the first Sunday back at church.


I want to remember his life and the special people, gifts, and things that ministered to our hearts. Our families are so sweet to continue to remember Samuel's little life in special ways. Kev's parents put new flowers on his grave each year on his birthday. We appreciate that so much. My parents always do different things. This year they are making a donation to the Haiti relief fund in his memory. I thought this perfect! My sister jess and her husband ryan sponsored a Compassion child with Samuel's birthday in his memory. So sweet. These things mean so much to us and help to make his birthday so special. You can click here to read my sister's post.

Tom. is a busy day for us with church and a baby shower in the afternoon so we are planning to release Samuel's balloon's before church. This might be a great feat since we have trouble getting to church on time, despite my hard efforts. We would have done it today but it has been the coldest and rainiest day we've had in a long time. You can click here to see what we did last year.

"A faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time." Titus 1:2

Four Years

Sunday would be our little Samuel's 4th Birthday. Everytime I think about that, it is like WOW....I cannot believe it has already been four years!!! I have always spent a lot of time preparing for ella's birthdays. I start thinking about it way in advance and I enjoy making and planning a special time just for her. No doubt I will do the same for miss eliza in a few months too. It may sound strange...but samuel is no different. No, I do not make cutesy decorations, invitations, plan the party, buy the gift...but in a different way I spend time preparing my self for each of his birthdays. It is almost like a hurdle we jump across each year. After Christmas is over it is the next big thing on the calendar in my mind. January, 31st....a day that cannot be overlooked, taken for granted or wished away. The day I was given a son!

We choose to remember and celebrate his life each year. I guess it is similar to someone celebrating the anniversaries of "surviving" cancer. Each year marks another year that you have made it...another year that life has continued to go on....another year that puts you farther from that difficult time....another year that you have survived!

As each year passes I feel like we have done more than just survive without our little guy...we are living! All praise be to God who is the only one who brings life again after death! We are living busy days full of diapers, dishes, and the two cutest little girlies who really keep us hoppin! There are days that go by and to be honest I don't really even think of Samuel. That may sound unmotherly....not that he is ever forgotten...but I know he is secure. My thoughts are so consumed with my immediate responsibilities. This is such a change from the months and early years after losing him. My thoughts were constantly on him. My heart was constantly longing! I am so thankful for the peace that time, the Lord and my two little girls have brought into my heart.

Still there are days when we still miss him so much! Like last Saturday when we were driving through the Target parking lot looking for a park and a cute little guy probably about 3-4 years of age was walking hand in hand with his daddy. He was the spittin image of his dad and it made my heart hurt for Kev. How cute would they be together. He'd be old enough to start soccer this year and I know he'd have the best coach ever. I miss him when I see our family picture. It just isn't complete...it won't ever be. I miss him when I think of having more kids. Haven't I done it enough already??? I have had 3 in four years....but I never feel content because I didn't get to keep all of mine! I miss him on days that I have to buy flowers for his grave. No mother should have to do that. I miss him when I drive by the cemetery and know that my child is buried there.

Thankfully, those days are few and far between and God is still healing our hearts.

Eliza is 4 months

I have been waiting to write eliza's four month post so I could add her picture. It's been a few days and I am waiting for her daddy to show me how to upload them off my new camera...so I figured I better go ahead (she'll be five months before I know it).

Her 4 month stats:
Weight: she was 12 lbs 4oz.at the doc. on Monday. She was 25% for weight, 35% for height and 10% for Head Circumference. She has grown a lot since birth, but is still on the smaller side! Likes: Eliza loves her fingers, her thumb and her paci. Right now she sucks her two middle fingers, her thumb and will still take a paci! She's so easy because if there isn't a paci, she will just find her thumb. She likes to swing, sit in her exersaucer, be held and oh....watch tv. No, I do not let her watch tv, but if it is on she is glued!
Dislikes: She really dislikes the bottle which puts mommy on a tight rope. I am sure it is my fault for not introducing one sooner...I totally forget in those early weeks. Other than that she is the easiest little thing!
Looks: It is so funny because everyone always says she looks like Kev, but I just don't see it. She has his hair color and hairline for sure. I see a lot of my nephew landon, sister joy, and my dad in her. She is looking very different than her sister ella. We think she is so cute!
Personality: Eliza is super easy and laid back. She rarely cries. The other night when we put her in her bed she cried for like two or three minutes and before I knew it Kev had her back up and was worried about her. Seriously...she just isn't a crier! She is very content and puts up with a lot from an over loving big sister. I am thankful that she is so easy going at this point... since we are well into the terrible two's with her big sis. She loves to be talked to and has the cutest smile and sweetest little laugh!

We are going to be doing her baby dedication this Sunday at church. It is a very special day for us because it would be her big brother Samuel's 4th birthday. We debated on if we should not do it on that day, but we felt that it would be a great way to thank the Lord for his continued faithfulness to our family. I have a lot more I am planning on sharing about Samuel and how our family is remembering him this year...so check back in the days to come.

One More slide...pweese!

The pictures above really have nothing to do with this post. I took them the other day when we were playing outside.... soaking in some good ole vit. D. I am trying to make good on my New Year's resolution and get my girls outside as much as I can. Ella would be content to stay outside all day and at times getting her back inside hard work!!

We have had a good week. I have tried a new house cleaning strategy this week. I've tried to clean lightly everyday and wash and put away a load of clothes everyday. I normally clean on Thursdays and Fridays and do all the laundry then, but at times it is overwhelming. I felt more motivated each day as I got going! I also have used my crock pot all week. I love crock pot meals. Two of the meals were made for us after we had eliza and I asked them both for their recipes because they were so yummy! Tonight we are having chili in the crockpot. Kevin actually made it while I fed eliza. I talked him through it and he seems proud of himself for making dinner.

We went to the mall this afternoon. I wanted to run in Target and Belk. I always try to buy ella's clothes for the next year when they go on sale. Today Belk had a lot of their winter/Christmas clothes for 75% off. I never ever would be able to buy her what I do if I didn't shop this way. I am working on building her winter wardrobe for next year. I try to find everything she will need (tights, shoes, coat, etc. as I see them on clearance). Right now I am watching the clearance rack at Target. There are some cute sweaters at 50% and I know they will go to 75% any day. Hopefully her size will still be there. I also hope she will be in a 3T by then. So far she has pretty much stayed on a normal growth pattern. I am also glad that eliza was born the same season as ella. Poor girl will always get her sissy's hand-me-downs. I do always try to buy her a few new things too. I also try hard to keep ella's clothes in the best condition possible. I seriously spot check them everyday when she takes them off! We go through lots of stain remover around our house...but I want them to still look nice for eliza! I cannot imagine having to buy for them both every season...and I know two is nothing...my sister has four!

I also got some good deals on the Target clearance. I got a summer shirt and cardigan for 3.54 each. The shirt is a little strange...looks like it has wings as sleeves but I am thinking I can layer them and they will work for church. Hopefully no one will notice the wings! I used to have a lot more dressy clothes when I worked full-time, but now I rarely buy anything dressy. It seems like such a waste since I only dress up for church on Sunday... which is still pretty casual.

So that has been our day and week. I am looking forward to church tomorrow and I am thinking I might leave eliza in the nursery for the first time. I really need to be able to listen and it is really hard to do with a baby. I haven't heard a complete message since the middle of August before I got put on bedrest. But, it is always hard to leave my little sidekicks for the first time even though I know they are in great hands. Happy Saturday!