We have had a wonderful Christmas morning. I will write more about it later and post some pics. We have been given so much from our families and each other that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I even need to go back through it all to see what all we've gotten. I realize how extremely blessed we are and I am thankful....just feeling a little spoiled!
Christmas is such a wonderful time of the year and yet for many it can be a difficult time as well. As loved ones adjust to spending this special time of year without the ones they love. It is never far from my mind on Christmas day...what is going on in heaven! I wonder what my little almost 3 year old little boy is doing today! Oh I wish I could see! I know my mind cannot comprehend the grandeur of a Christmas in Heaven. I mean it has to way top even the best and most beautiful sights this world can think up! I also know it is way better than anything Kev or I could buy or put together. I found this poem the first Christmas after we lost Samuel and I've liked it since. Maybe it will be comforting for those who are dreaming of a Heavenly Christmas as I am today!
My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Whew!
Well, it is only a little after noon and I have already seen the pediatrician and my OB/Gyn today. e has had a runny nose for a week, then a mild rash and then last night she threw up in her crib...around 2am. I sent Kev into check on her because she was crying. I was half asleep and all I remember was him yelling I need you up now! Needless to say she got to sleep with mommy and daddy for the rest of the night. I took her in first thing this morning...and the doc. thinks it is just viral and likely ending. I think she may have coughed some which made her get sick. At least I'm hoping! So far so good today. She is playing well and eating well! Praise the Lord!
So I got home and my cell phone rang and it was my ob. She said that the pathologist had called her this morning and something odd showed up in the pathology report. She said I needed to be checked asap and that most likely it was just a contamination in the report but that it could indicate a serious problem for me. Oh great! So off i flew to the doc. My dad babysat e and my mom went with me. I think my nerves and my mom's are about shot but luckily we were able to make ourselves laugh while we waited. Evidently the report could have signified that some of my bowels were sucked into my uterus during the procedure and if that were the case I would be well as she said...close to death at this point. I had told her on the phone that I had been feeling okay and did not feel near death but I think she just had to see me to believe it herself. So more lab work and an ultrasound and good news...looks like I am not dying after all. I tell you if it is rare... I mean like never happens to anyone else... chances are it'll happen to me. My Doc. just called back and said my labs look normal. Praise the Lord for another good report!
So maybe life can calm down just a little for me to wrap my head around the fact that tom. is Christmas Eve. I mean I don't want to be so flustered, busy and consumed with my own concerns that I miss it...
You know a year can make a big difference in one's life. I remember Dec. of 2006. We'd spent the entire year after losing Samuel trying to get pregnant. We even had our second IUI done at 10am on Christmas eve..not because that was our timing but because it was my body's timing. I was worn out yet hopeful. We didn't get pregnant that cycle either but you know what it was just around the corner. If only on December 24th 2006 I could have seen myself on December 24th 2007! I would have seen that God's timing was perfect...that I had the baby girl that I'd always prayed for...I would have seen the blessing! I keep reminding myself of that as I know that this Christmas may not look exactly like I had planned...I'd planned to be 12 weeks pregnant and glowing..but God knows what He has going on. I only wonder what we will be on December 24th, 2009! Don't loose faith.
So I got home and my cell phone rang and it was my ob. She said that the pathologist had called her this morning and something odd showed up in the pathology report. She said I needed to be checked asap and that most likely it was just a contamination in the report but that it could indicate a serious problem for me. Oh great! So off i flew to the doc. My dad babysat e and my mom went with me. I think my nerves and my mom's are about shot but luckily we were able to make ourselves laugh while we waited. Evidently the report could have signified that some of my bowels were sucked into my uterus during the procedure and if that were the case I would be well as she said...close to death at this point. I had told her on the phone that I had been feeling okay and did not feel near death but I think she just had to see me to believe it herself. So more lab work and an ultrasound and good news...looks like I am not dying after all. I tell you if it is rare... I mean like never happens to anyone else... chances are it'll happen to me. My Doc. just called back and said my labs look normal. Praise the Lord for another good report!
So maybe life can calm down just a little for me to wrap my head around the fact that tom. is Christmas Eve. I mean I don't want to be so flustered, busy and consumed with my own concerns that I miss it...
You know a year can make a big difference in one's life. I remember Dec. of 2006. We'd spent the entire year after losing Samuel trying to get pregnant. We even had our second IUI done at 10am on Christmas eve..not because that was our timing but because it was my body's timing. I was worn out yet hopeful. We didn't get pregnant that cycle either but you know what it was just around the corner. If only on December 24th 2006 I could have seen myself on December 24th 2007! I would have seen that God's timing was perfect...that I had the baby girl that I'd always prayed for...I would have seen the blessing! I keep reminding myself of that as I know that this Christmas may not look exactly like I had planned...I'd planned to be 12 weeks pregnant and glowing..but God knows what He has going on. I only wonder what we will be on December 24th, 2009! Don't loose faith.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Cloudy
Today is a gloomy and cloudy day...and to be honest I am feeling quite gloomy and cloudy inside today. The nurses tried to prepare me that I would be having some major hormonal changes taking place as my body realizes that I am no longer pregnant...and I definitely feel that today. Today I feel disappointed and discouraged. I know these are normal feelings that I will have to work through. The thing that is the most frustrating today is that I am feeling disappointed with God. I feel as though my faith has also taken a nose dive today. I just don't see His plan or purpose in this and I feel confused. I am not asking for any deep theological advice...in fact I know the right responses to most of my thoughts and feelings...today I am just not feeling it. I hate even writing such a depressing blog but I want to be honest that life is hard and hurts are real...and Christians are not immune. The Bible says that we do have a comforter...and that is what I need. I need the peace that passes all understanding, I need joy unspeakable, I need my friend that sticketh closer than a brother, I need hope for the future, I need the Lord.
"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you." Is. 43:2
"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28
"Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name."Ps. 142:7
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season." Ps. 1:3
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Ps. 147:3
"So do not fear, I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Is. 41:10
"And I heard a loud voice form the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. he will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev. 21:3-4
"But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me." Ps. 22:19
Seek God in your darkness and He will be your light.
Seek God in your questions and He will be your answer.
Seek God in your anger and He will be your peace.
Seek God in your sorrow and He will be your comforter.
Seek God in your uncertainty and He will be your confidence.
Seek God in your sin and He will be your redeemer.
Seek God in you forgiveness and He will be your salvation.
Seek God in your salvation and He will be your eternity.
Kathe Wunnenberg
Wow...blogging is pretty therapeutic...I am feeling better already.
"When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you." Is. 43:2
"Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matt. 11:28
"Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name."Ps. 142:7
"He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season." Ps. 1:3
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Ps. 147:3
"So do not fear, I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous hand." Is. 41:10
"And I heard a loud voice form the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. he will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev. 21:3-4
"But you, O Lord, be not far off; O my Strength, come quickly to help me." Ps. 22:19
Seek God in your darkness and He will be your light.
Seek God in your questions and He will be your answer.
Seek God in your anger and He will be your peace.
Seek God in your sorrow and He will be your comforter.
Seek God in your uncertainty and He will be your confidence.
Seek God in your sin and He will be your redeemer.
Seek God in you forgiveness and He will be your salvation.
Seek God in your salvation and He will be your eternity.
Kathe Wunnenberg
Wow...blogging is pretty therapeutic...I am feeling better already.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Recovery
Thanks so much for all the prayers and kind words of encouragement. I promise that soon my blog will be a happy and upbeat one!
Yesterday went as well as possible. We arrived at the hospital at 1:00 and the surgery was set for 3 pm. Well around 1:30 they took me back to my small little waiting room to prep me. Kev had to sit in the waiting room while they did that. I got changed into my lovely hospital attire and they told me to wait for my nurse. Well the river of tears began and the reality of the day hit. I cried and cried and when my nurse came in the first thing she said was, "Honey who did you bring with you today...I'll go get him." Once Kev got back there I felt better! What would I do without him. They got the IV going and put on some fancy leg warmers..they called it a leg massage (to prevent clotting) those things drive me crazy. So I was preparing for 3 o'clock. Well three came and went and finally around 3:45 the anesthesiologist came in and said the surgery was now set for 5! Whew....more waiting. The IV kept me busy..having to go the bathroom every 15 min....my poor nurse. My dad arrived and waited with us...my mom was busy chasing e all day. My dad has a very calming effect...I guess it is from years of hanging with people during difficult events! He prayed with us and chatted and stayed with kev until I was in recovery. Finally around five they came and got me. I was nervous...mainly just about being in the OR. I have a weird thing about hospitals...they freak me out a bit. I used to be terrified of needles...I mean I almost didn't go to college because I had to get 3 shots...no kidding. Well, the past 4 years have cured that fear for sure.
They wheeled me back and I remember my sweet doc. leaning over and telling me she was there. I love her. She has been there for me on the hardest days of my life. If you need a good OB/gyn in my area she is great! Then they gave me oxygen and off to dreamland I went. I think the procedure was about 30 min. and went well. I woke up very groggy in recovery and felt like I was dreaming. I got back to the room and got my favorite hospital treat...cold apple juice with crunchy ice cubes. I wasn't able to eat all day so I was hungry! The nurses dressed me...yes that was very weird...and wheeled me out! It was over my 10 week pregnancy was over.
I have to say that for someone who has such fear and anxiety about pregnancy...I love being pregnant. It is such an exciting and hopeful time as you begin to know that you family is growing. We need direction about what we need to do. We both want and long for a big family. We both always have. I am beginning to question if that is God's plan for us or just ours. I don't know why we have had such a hard time growing out family. It seems as though it is easy for so many...yet I know it has been very difficult for others as well.
I feel pretty good today. Just pretty sore but better than I expected. I am sad that once again we are back to square one...but hopeful as to what the future will hold as we try to remain faithful to the Lord. I love my dad's def. of faith. It is trusted in and holding to Jesus when people, situations, and circumstances say otherwise. And there is nothing that pleases the Lord like exercised faith. I pray we will be found faithful...even when we don't understand.
I'm gonna lay on the couch some more and find me a good Christmas movie to watch. Have a good night.
Yesterday went as well as possible. We arrived at the hospital at 1:00 and the surgery was set for 3 pm. Well around 1:30 they took me back to my small little waiting room to prep me. Kev had to sit in the waiting room while they did that. I got changed into my lovely hospital attire and they told me to wait for my nurse. Well the river of tears began and the reality of the day hit. I cried and cried and when my nurse came in the first thing she said was, "Honey who did you bring with you today...I'll go get him." Once Kev got back there I felt better! What would I do without him. They got the IV going and put on some fancy leg warmers..they called it a leg massage (to prevent clotting) those things drive me crazy. So I was preparing for 3 o'clock. Well three came and went and finally around 3:45 the anesthesiologist came in and said the surgery was now set for 5! Whew....more waiting. The IV kept me busy..having to go the bathroom every 15 min....my poor nurse. My dad arrived and waited with us...my mom was busy chasing e all day. My dad has a very calming effect...I guess it is from years of hanging with people during difficult events! He prayed with us and chatted and stayed with kev until I was in recovery. Finally around five they came and got me. I was nervous...mainly just about being in the OR. I have a weird thing about hospitals...they freak me out a bit. I used to be terrified of needles...I mean I almost didn't go to college because I had to get 3 shots...no kidding. Well, the past 4 years have cured that fear for sure.
They wheeled me back and I remember my sweet doc. leaning over and telling me she was there. I love her. She has been there for me on the hardest days of my life. If you need a good OB/gyn in my area she is great! Then they gave me oxygen and off to dreamland I went. I think the procedure was about 30 min. and went well. I woke up very groggy in recovery and felt like I was dreaming. I got back to the room and got my favorite hospital treat...cold apple juice with crunchy ice cubes. I wasn't able to eat all day so I was hungry! The nurses dressed me...yes that was very weird...and wheeled me out! It was over my 10 week pregnancy was over.
I have to say that for someone who has such fear and anxiety about pregnancy...I love being pregnant. It is such an exciting and hopeful time as you begin to know that you family is growing. We need direction about what we need to do. We both want and long for a big family. We both always have. I am beginning to question if that is God's plan for us or just ours. I don't know why we have had such a hard time growing out family. It seems as though it is easy for so many...yet I know it has been very difficult for others as well.
I feel pretty good today. Just pretty sore but better than I expected. I am sad that once again we are back to square one...but hopeful as to what the future will hold as we try to remain faithful to the Lord. I love my dad's def. of faith. It is trusted in and holding to Jesus when people, situations, and circumstances say otherwise. And there is nothing that pleases the Lord like exercised faith. I pray we will be found faithful...even when we don't understand.
I'm gonna lay on the couch some more and find me a good Christmas movie to watch. Have a good night.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Earthly Home vs. Heavenly Home
Today I have once again added children to my heavenly home. This morning we arrived at my ob and I was a nervous wreck...sweating while freezing cold...and stomach in a mess...knowing that our future would be determined by this appointment.
My doctor who I love began the ultrasound and I knew by the look on her face that we'd lost our little one. The heart had stopped beating and no more growth had occurred. Once we knew I began to calm down a little ...at least I knew.
I am scheduled for a D&C this afternoon...which is super fast..but which the holidays approaching this seemed like the best option for us. I have to be there at one and the surgery should be around 3pm.
What do I KNOW....What am I telling myself today!
1. God will be with me and my doc. in the operating room today.
2. Disappointments are really His appointments.
3. God loves me and is not against me.
4.God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.
5. If this earthly life was perfect...I wouldn't be thankful to get to heaven.
6. God has richly blessed us.
7. My doctor may not know the Lord in a personal way and this gives me yet another means to be a light for her.
8. Samuel has a new brother or sister in heaven today. My mom who has never been wrong on the gender of any grandchild thought this was another boy...so did we.
9. God has given me a precious little girl who is active and growing and needs me each day.
Thank you friends for your prayers.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Almost there...
I have to say that this has been a very long week of waiting! I am one who is not naturally very patient. Just ask my husband! I have spent this week dealing with mixed emotions. I seem to fluctuate daily from hopeful, to realistic, to scared and then back to hopeful! I have prayed...oh how I have prayed. Funny how a crisis in our lives brings us to our knees better than anything else! Every night I seem to wake up around 3:30 and just pray until I eventually go back to sleep. I have prayed and I know my family and friends have been praying. I am so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends. I have also googled until I am out of things to google and I have read and read about embryonic development! I can even tell the embryo size ranges according to various weeks of development....my head is tired! I have looked out the calendar and tried my best to figure out how my dates were so off...over and over!
So Fri. is almost here and hopefully it will give us more direction! As I have prayed I have asked the Lord for a miracle...not just a little miracle but that He would show Himself and Powerful tomorrow. That there would be no way to explain the growth of this baby other than the fact that God did it! He is the God of the impossible. But if God chooses to take this baby on to heaven...still I will trust Him.. still I will Love Him, still I will worship Him as Mighty and Powerful and Good and Loving! Praying for my Christmas miracle tom.
So Fri. is almost here and hopefully it will give us more direction! As I have prayed I have asked the Lord for a miracle...not just a little miracle but that He would show Himself and Powerful tomorrow. That there would be no way to explain the growth of this baby other than the fact that God did it! He is the God of the impossible. But if God chooses to take this baby on to heaven...still I will trust Him.. still I will Love Him, still I will worship Him as Mighty and Powerful and Good and Loving! Praying for my Christmas miracle tom.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Going Private???
So I was going to make my blog private...but then would anyone be able to read it..then it would def. just be a glorified diary for sure! I want friends and family to read...I really have enjoyed sharing what is going on in our daily life. So I decided to not make it invitation only at this point...that might just kill my blog...but if you are a reader feel free to leave me a comment!
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