The answer is Yes!!

One surprising day in December,
Three Early ultrasounds at 6, 8, and 12 weeks,
A devastating diagnosis day in March,
Hours upon hours of research on the computer,
An Amnio and days of waiting,
Airline tickets purchased and consult in another state,
Lots and lots of prayers,
10 hour trip with family and friends,
A scary 4 hour surgery,
A week in the hospital far away from home,
A stomach that will never look the same,
A Flight home in a thunderstorm,
Eight weeks on modified bedrest at home,
Weeks of letting others help me,
12 weeks of not driving,
A summer with no pool, beach or vacation,
8 weeks of long Friday afternoon appointments,
4 weeks of hospital bedrest,
8 IV's
30 days away from home,
4 weeks of 5:00 rounds and annoying questions from med students
4 weeks of leaking...sorry TMI
23 ultrasounds,
27 Non-stress tests
A really not fun c-section experience,
Another not pretty incision,
cankles in a major way,
Milk, milk, and do I say more milk....

So, was it worth it?
Tonight while I nursed my little baby boy for the first time and he opened his tiny little baby eyes and really looked at me for the first time ever...the answer is YES!!!  Every minute, every fear, every pain, every inconvenience, every tear...he is so worth it!  I love you Eli Matthew!

2 days old

First of all I hope my last post about my c-section doesn't scare anyone.  After having 3 normal deliveries, it was just a super different experience for me.  I also was super scared and had some  uncommon side effects.  I do know lots of people that have had several c-sections and they have had great experiences.  It was also so different from my fetal surgery because I was completely out.

Today has been a much better day so far.  I was able to take a shower and I feel like a new person.  We got up to the NICU early enough to be there for rounds.  The doctors were very nice in accentuating the positive.  So far Eli's bladder ultrasound looked good and he is not being cathed at this point.  It can always change quickly, but so far he is voiding on his own. The urologist will continue to follow him in the next few weeks and he will have a urodynamics test done around 3 months....I think.  Neurology also did a head ultrasound and at this point they aren't going to do an MRI.  We were unable to get an exact measurement of his ventricles, but the doctors are going to get it for us tomorrow.  They will continue to measure his head daily and monitor it.  So far that is good news.  PT and OT should be by today or tom. to evaluate him and get services started.  Everyone is concerned over his loss of tone in his lower extremities, but they have seen some movement in his hips and a little in his legs.  I know enough to know it is not normal, but we are thankful that there is a little.

This morning we got to spend a lot of time holding and bonding with little Eli.  We are pretty taken with him and we love him just as he is.  He pulled his nasal cannula out today as well as his ng tube.  He was not happy when the nurse had to put it back.  I even got to try breastfeeding him a little.  For now I am pumping around the clock and the nurses carefully give him each milliliter I bring.  I am glad to do this for him.

We are getting ready to head back and spend the afternoon with him.  We are both so exhausted.  Every time I pump I fall asleep, but we want to spend as much time with him before we go home tomorrow.   Did you hear that....I am going home tom!!  I now feel strangely attached to this place and will miss my little Eli.  I knew I was going to feel this way!

Eli's Birth Story

I want to write down the events surrounding Eli's birth while it is still fresh in my mind.  Yesterday my c-section was originally scheduled for 11am.  We were told from the start that it might get delayed and so we weren't surprised when hour after hour passed.  It was a long morning of waiting.  I'd have moments when I'd forget what was ahead and relax for a bit and then all of a sudden I would get so anxious. 

Finally, at 2:20 they came and got me.  It was a surreal feeling knowing what was getting ready to happen.  I also had my lovely glasses on and I hate wearing them.  I don't see so great in them so it always makes me feel like I am in a blurry dream.  If you have bad eyes you probably know what I am talking about.  I was a nervous mess.

Kev remained in the hall while I went in and they quickly began prepping me.  I have had 4 epidurals in my life and so I know what that entails.  Yesterday I was to get a spinal instead.  The anesthesiologist resident used me as a pin cushion.  He just couldn't get it into the right spot.  I felt sorry for him because he was trying but to be honest, I was not happy.  I sat trying to stay curled with my shoulders down while he tried over and over.  Finally, I said, why is it taking so long.  The attending asked if she could take over and before I knew it my legs were finally going numb. 

They laid me back and were getting everything prepped.  I felt so anxious.  They kept testing me to make sure I was getting numb.  Those kind of questions always make me nervous because what if I think I am numb, but I am not really numb enough.  I was all strapped down and they did their little time out thing and I heard the doctor call for the scalpel.

They finally brought Kev into the OR just as they began, and he sat rubbing my head and telling me that I was doing great.  I got a major case of the shakes as I always do with anesthesia and my lovely blood pressure began bottoming out.  The lowest it got was 50/27.  I really felt terrible and like I was going to pass out.  Apparently I had some scar tissue from my fetal surgery and so things began taking a little longer.  At 3:29 they told me we were about one minute from baby.  I got so anxious and before I knew it there was the tiniest little thing raised up above the curtain.

I remember him crying and I remember being immediately concerned about his legs and feet.  I could tell something was wrong.  He has also been in the pike position for about 14 weeks.  They both looked clubbed to me and I was sad. He was so precious, but I felt so scared.

The C-section took longer than expected and laying strapped to that table awake for over two hours about did me in.  I kept asking for some drugs to help me relax or go to sleep, but they couldn't give them to me until they could get my blood pressure up.  By the time they were closing up all of a sudden I started to feel them stitching.  Of course I immediately let them know and they gave me local anesthesia, so they could finish. 

Once I got to the recovery room I was really feeling a lot of pain.  I don't think I've ever been in that much pain.  They gave me several different things and nothing was helping.  My blood pressure was down again and my ears were clogging up.  I knew I was close to passing out again.  Thankfully, I started to feel a little better after a little while.  I was in recovery for over 4 hours.  While I was in there they wheeled Eli through so I could see him.  He was so sweet and they said he was breathing on his own and going to the level 2 nursery.  I was so glad, but really I just felt pretty rough.  All I knew was that I was thankful to no longer be pregnant, thankful that Eli was doing well, and thankful that I will never ever have to do that again. 

Today I have been trying to rest, busy pumping for Eli every 3 hours, and visiting the NICU.  We have made 4-5 trips to see him today and tonight I finally got to hold him for the first time.  This morning he was showing signs of respiratory distress he was moved to the NICU.  They did have to incubate him for about 5-10 minutes to give him surfactant.  We were there while they were working on him and he was not happy about it.  It was not fun to watch.  They put him on a c-pap for a short period of time, but again he didn't like it at all.  Then they just put him on oxygen through a nasal cannula.  He has been doing good throughout the day.  Tomorrow morning we will be at rounds and hopefully will find out more about his head ultrasound, kidney ultrasound and other test that have been done.

To be honest, I am really not feeling so well tonight.  I know it is to be expected, but I am so ready to feel good.  I am praying that tomorrow I will begin to feel better.  Thanks for checking in on us and for all of your prayers. 

Hopefully tomorrow we will have some new pictures.  We were told we couldn't take a camera into the NICU last night and then tonight we were told we could. :)

He is here!

Eli Matthew Giordano
 4lbs. 5 oz.
3:30 pm

It has been a terribly long day.  I am exhausted and thankful to be feeling some better tonight.  He is precious and I can't wait to really get to see him tomorrow.  I will post more tom.   He is in the Level 2 nursery and is breathing on his own so far.  His back looks great and he is having a head ultrasound tonight.  Please pray for his little legs and his sweet little feet.  Thank you for praying the Lord has answered!

And we wait a little longer...

My 11:00 c-section will hopefully be more like 2-2:30.  I am ready to get this show on the road!  Thanks for the prayers!!

Waiting...

I am trying to pass time.  My c-section got pushed back a little due to the two before me running long.  My doctor also got called back to the office and I have a different doctor...that is okay!  I know the Lord will have the right people in place for Eli's arrival.  The new doctor came by and she seemed really sweet.  Only a little while longer and my pregnancy journey will be over and Eli's journey will begin!  Thank you all for your prayers.  I read something yesterday on a blog that said instead of worrying you should worship.  That is what I am trying to do today!  Thanks again for being so faithful to pray for us and Eli today!

Letters to my kids...

I have always in the past written a letter to my kids the night before we welcome a new family member.  You can read the ones I wrote to Ella and Eliza in 2009 here.

Dear Eli Matthew,
       Tonight is the last night I will ever go to sleep with you tucked sweetly inside of me.   I can't imagine coming back to this room tomorrow with you not inside of me anymore.   I remember looking at my calendar the day I was admitted and thinking there was no way I could mentally make it until July 12th.  Thankfully, the Lord has sustained us each day and provided friends, encouragement and just what we needed to get through. I cannot believe that tomorrow is your birthday!

      If you are anything like your pregnancy has been, I imagine you will be a little boy who teaches us a lot and keeps us on our toes.   I will never forget the day I found out that I was expecting you.  I was so surprised.  I had no idea what the next few months of growing and nurturing you would require of me physically, mentally and spiritually.  It has been the hardest journey of my life so far.  I will never forget March 8th, because that is the day we learned that you were a little boy and a few minutes later that you had spina bifida.  I will never forget the feelings I had on April 19th, when we were both facing a risky and scary surgery to repair your back in utero.  I have never been more scared in my entire life.  I will never forget each move of your legs that we anxiously looked for each week on the ultrasound or the day we watched you put your toes in your mouth.  These past few months have required more of me than I ever knew I handle.  It has required more faith in Christ, more dependence on those we love, and more praying on my part. 

Eli, I don't know what tomorrow and the weeks to follow will be like for you, but I promise that God has a great plan for you.   I promise that you have a mommy and a daddy that will move heaven and earth to provide all that you need.  I promise we will love you no matter what you are capable of and no matter what the doctors may tell us about you.  We believe with all our hearts that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving and kind heavenly father and we are trusting him with your care and your future.  We promise that you will not be the little boy with spina bifida, but you will be our son, Eli.

There are so many people praying for you tomorrow and who already love you so much!  Your daddy and I cannot wait to see you, and I promise to get to the NICU the minute they will let me up!
Love,
Your Mommy


Dear Ella Kate,
      Tomorrow is Eli's birthday.  When I reminded you of this on the phone tonight you asked me if he was having a spiderman birthday!  I sure wish that was all we were doing tomorrow.  You are such a funny girl and such a great big sister.  I love to watch how much Eliza loves you and how she wants to do exactly what you are doing.  You have a very big job as the oldest child.  I can see that God is making you into a great leader with a strong personality.  I pray you will continue to grow to be a good helper to both Eliza and Eli.  I have no doubt that Eli will love you.  I can't wait to take you to the NICU for a visit in a few days.  You are lucky because you are old enough to get to visit him there.  Get a good rest and be a good girl tomorrow.  I can't wait to see you!
Love,
Mommy

Dear Eliza Anne,
     I think Mommy is having the hardest time writing to you tonight.  I think it is always hardest on the youngest when a new baby arrives or maybe it is just hardest for mommy.   It seems like just yesterday I was shedding tears writing to to Ella the night before we had you.  I couldn't imagine how much I would love you!  I felt so sad that she would no longer be the baby and I was scared.  Mommy is feeling the same things again tonight.  You are such a sweet little girl and I cannot believe that you are almost two.  You are so different than your sister and I think you will make a great middle child.  I know you will make a great big sister and I look forward to watching you grow into your new role.  I hope you and Eli will be good friends and that you can teach him your mad climbing skills (that might even be okay by mommy and daddy)!  I love you!
Love,
Mommy