I Remember

I remember....

-my two sweet nurses , Mary and Becky...sweet nurses...who helped me through the fears of my first delivery.

-the shirt that Kev wore that day. It still hangs in his closet yet hasn't been worn since.

-that small little room where God made His presence so real to me.

-seeing my first born child. I thought he was the most precious thing I'd ever seen.

-his toes like his daddy and his little bit of reddish hair.

-his mouth that is like is sisters.

-wishing things were different yet knowing God would use this in our lives.

-watching my parents hold my child for the first time.

-friends that came by to show us love...friends from our Sunday School class, a parent from my first grade class at school.

-knowing Samuel was in the presence of my Saviour as I held his physical body.

-cards upon cards that were sent by our church family and friends.

-the many donations made to our church nursery fund in memory of Samuel.

-the sweet charm bought by a new friend who had lost a baby. She had it engraved with Samuel name and birth date and brought it to me to wear to the funeral.

-The huge meal of spaghetti and salad made by our Sunday School class and other meals brought to us by our church family.

-carrying Samuel's pictures in my purse each day and wanting to "show him off to everyone" yet you just can't.

-keeping his pictures and blanket out for a long time....then moving them to a special box in our room...and then just last year being able to move the box to our living room. I think anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to just needing those things close by.

-sitting in the foyer of the hospital as Kevin pulled up the car. They made me leave in a wheel chair even though I said I was fine to walk. I remember sitting there empty handed...

-feeling proud of myself for delivering a baby... I had been so scared!

-that little blue box....so small yet so valuable to me.

-the beautiful and warm February afternoon.

-the light breeze that filled the tent.

-the quiver in my dad's voice and he conducted the funeral.

-feeling more unified than ever with Kevin...we were a team and this had happened to US.

-the beautiful flowers sent to my mom's house.

-"It is well, with my soul" and "I Am"

-All the cars lined up around the cemetery.

-Being so thankful to get to stay at my parents house for a while.

-Singing "Blessed be your Name" the first Sunday back at church.


I want to remember his life and the special people, gifts, and things that ministered to our hearts. Our families are so sweet to continue to remember Samuel's little life in special ways. Kev's parents put new flowers on his grave each year on his birthday. We appreciate that so much. My parents always do different things. This year they are making a donation to the Haiti relief fund in his memory. I thought this perfect! My sister jess and her husband ryan sponsored a Compassion child with Samuel's birthday in his memory. So sweet. These things mean so much to us and help to make his birthday so special. You can click here to read my sister's post.

Tom. is a busy day for us with church and a baby shower in the afternoon so we are planning to release Samuel's balloon's before church. This might be a great feat since we have trouble getting to church on time, despite my hard efforts. We would have done it today but it has been the coldest and rainiest day we've had in a long time. You can click here to see what we did last year.

"A faith and knowledge resting on the hope of eternal life, which God, who does not lie, promised before the beginning of time." Titus 1:2

Four Years

Sunday would be our little Samuel's 4th Birthday. Everytime I think about that, it is like WOW....I cannot believe it has already been four years!!! I have always spent a lot of time preparing for ella's birthdays. I start thinking about it way in advance and I enjoy making and planning a special time just for her. No doubt I will do the same for miss eliza in a few months too. It may sound strange...but samuel is no different. No, I do not make cutesy decorations, invitations, plan the party, buy the gift...but in a different way I spend time preparing my self for each of his birthdays. It is almost like a hurdle we jump across each year. After Christmas is over it is the next big thing on the calendar in my mind. January, 31st....a day that cannot be overlooked, taken for granted or wished away. The day I was given a son!

We choose to remember and celebrate his life each year. I guess it is similar to someone celebrating the anniversaries of "surviving" cancer. Each year marks another year that you have made it...another year that life has continued to go on....another year that puts you farther from that difficult time....another year that you have survived!

As each year passes I feel like we have done more than just survive without our little guy...we are living! All praise be to God who is the only one who brings life again after death! We are living busy days full of diapers, dishes, and the two cutest little girlies who really keep us hoppin! There are days that go by and to be honest I don't really even think of Samuel. That may sound unmotherly....not that he is ever forgotten...but I know he is secure. My thoughts are so consumed with my immediate responsibilities. This is such a change from the months and early years after losing him. My thoughts were constantly on him. My heart was constantly longing! I am so thankful for the peace that time, the Lord and my two little girls have brought into my heart.

Still there are days when we still miss him so much! Like last Saturday when we were driving through the Target parking lot looking for a park and a cute little guy probably about 3-4 years of age was walking hand in hand with his daddy. He was the spittin image of his dad and it made my heart hurt for Kev. How cute would they be together. He'd be old enough to start soccer this year and I know he'd have the best coach ever. I miss him when I see our family picture. It just isn't complete...it won't ever be. I miss him when I think of having more kids. Haven't I done it enough already??? I have had 3 in four years....but I never feel content because I didn't get to keep all of mine! I miss him on days that I have to buy flowers for his grave. No mother should have to do that. I miss him when I drive by the cemetery and know that my child is buried there.

Thankfully, those days are few and far between and God is still healing our hearts.

Eliza is 4 months

I have been waiting to write eliza's four month post so I could add her picture. It's been a few days and I am waiting for her daddy to show me how to upload them off my new camera...so I figured I better go ahead (she'll be five months before I know it).

Her 4 month stats:
Weight: she was 12 lbs 4oz.at the doc. on Monday. She was 25% for weight, 35% for height and 10% for Head Circumference. She has grown a lot since birth, but is still on the smaller side! Likes: Eliza loves her fingers, her thumb and her paci. Right now she sucks her two middle fingers, her thumb and will still take a paci! She's so easy because if there isn't a paci, she will just find her thumb. She likes to swing, sit in her exersaucer, be held and oh....watch tv. No, I do not let her watch tv, but if it is on she is glued!
Dislikes: She really dislikes the bottle which puts mommy on a tight rope. I am sure it is my fault for not introducing one sooner...I totally forget in those early weeks. Other than that she is the easiest little thing!
Looks: It is so funny because everyone always says she looks like Kev, but I just don't see it. She has his hair color and hairline for sure. I see a lot of my nephew landon, sister joy, and my dad in her. She is looking very different than her sister ella. We think she is so cute!
Personality: Eliza is super easy and laid back. She rarely cries. The other night when we put her in her bed she cried for like two or three minutes and before I knew it Kev had her back up and was worried about her. Seriously...she just isn't a crier! She is very content and puts up with a lot from an over loving big sister. I am thankful that she is so easy going at this point... since we are well into the terrible two's with her big sis. She loves to be talked to and has the cutest smile and sweetest little laugh!

We are going to be doing her baby dedication this Sunday at church. It is a very special day for us because it would be her big brother Samuel's 4th birthday. We debated on if we should not do it on that day, but we felt that it would be a great way to thank the Lord for his continued faithfulness to our family. I have a lot more I am planning on sharing about Samuel and how our family is remembering him this year...so check back in the days to come.

One More slide...pweese!

The pictures above really have nothing to do with this post. I took them the other day when we were playing outside.... soaking in some good ole vit. D. I am trying to make good on my New Year's resolution and get my girls outside as much as I can. Ella would be content to stay outside all day and at times getting her back inside hard work!!

We have had a good week. I have tried a new house cleaning strategy this week. I've tried to clean lightly everyday and wash and put away a load of clothes everyday. I normally clean on Thursdays and Fridays and do all the laundry then, but at times it is overwhelming. I felt more motivated each day as I got going! I also have used my crock pot all week. I love crock pot meals. Two of the meals were made for us after we had eliza and I asked them both for their recipes because they were so yummy! Tonight we are having chili in the crockpot. Kevin actually made it while I fed eliza. I talked him through it and he seems proud of himself for making dinner.

We went to the mall this afternoon. I wanted to run in Target and Belk. I always try to buy ella's clothes for the next year when they go on sale. Today Belk had a lot of their winter/Christmas clothes for 75% off. I never ever would be able to buy her what I do if I didn't shop this way. I am working on building her winter wardrobe for next year. I try to find everything she will need (tights, shoes, coat, etc. as I see them on clearance). Right now I am watching the clearance rack at Target. There are some cute sweaters at 50% and I know they will go to 75% any day. Hopefully her size will still be there. I also hope she will be in a 3T by then. So far she has pretty much stayed on a normal growth pattern. I am also glad that eliza was born the same season as ella. Poor girl will always get her sissy's hand-me-downs. I do always try to buy her a few new things too. I also try hard to keep ella's clothes in the best condition possible. I seriously spot check them everyday when she takes them off! We go through lots of stain remover around our house...but I want them to still look nice for eliza! I cannot imagine having to buy for them both every season...and I know two is nothing...my sister has four!

I also got some good deals on the Target clearance. I got a summer shirt and cardigan for 3.54 each. The shirt is a little strange...looks like it has wings as sleeves but I am thinking I can layer them and they will work for church. Hopefully no one will notice the wings! I used to have a lot more dressy clothes when I worked full-time, but now I rarely buy anything dressy. It seems like such a waste since I only dress up for church on Sunday... which is still pretty casual.

So that has been our day and week. I am looking forward to church tomorrow and I am thinking I might leave eliza in the nursery for the first time. I really need to be able to listen and it is really hard to do with a baby. I haven't heard a complete message since the middle of August before I got put on bedrest. But, it is always hard to leave my little sidekicks for the first time even though I know they are in great hands. Happy Saturday!

Daddy's are just more fun!

I mean really....is it any wonder why???

A few cute pictures for Daddy at work

I love my daddy! Eliza got called a boy three times

on this day. I think it was the outfit. We tried out a bow

the next day!

This was hilarious...ella was trying to walk

in aunt jess' tall boots.

I just have to share...kev and I always

exchange an ornament each year that

usually pertains to the past year. This

year he made mine. I have one other that

he's made...he's quite crafty.He stitched it

and puffy painted it. He worked hard. He said

he had trouble finding one this year. He sometimes

has trouble picking out things when I am not

there to help him...like a birthday card...takes him

forever. Sometimes these issues arise in the grocery store. He

will stand and deliberate for 10 minutes over which

ketchup to buy (he is usually calculating the best deal.)

He needs my help to speed up the decision making

process at times. I can only image the number of

ornaments he looked at before deciding to "craft"

one. I told him we'd have to find a very"special"

spot next year on our tree. I really do love that he

always goes above and beyond for me.

I love that Kev reads my blog at work. I thought this might brighten his day today! We wish you were home with us, especially since ella just climbed all the way out of her crib and came walking out of her room during nap time. Scared this mommy to death...I wasn't expecting her! Fun times this week at our house... for sure!

Rough morning in mommy land!

Can I just start off by saying how blessed I am to have my two girls. It was not that long ago that I spent my days pleading to the Lord to bless our lives with children. I longed and wanted to have a family more than anything! I am so thankful for them. Now, I just hope we all survive to see them grow up!

WARNING: If you have perfectly sweet and always obedient children you may not should read the post below....it may cause you to feel prideful! (I am so kidding!)

I so lost my patience with ella this morning. God love her...but she about sent her mommy over the edge. It went something like this.

me-Ella, we are going to take a shower and get ready.
e-No mommy, I not like shower...I take bath.
me-Ella, we take a shower everyday... don't be grumpy! All your toys are waiting on you!
e-No, I take bath!
me-okay, you can play in the tub and mommy will wash you when I am done. I put about two inches of water in the tub and jumped in the shower (they are side by side in our bathroom)
e-(Screaming) Shower mommy! I take Shower!!!
me-okay, okay, hold on...I'll get you! Jump out and grab a towel!
e-No mommy...I bath!
me-(my blood pressure is rising by the second) Okay you stay! I jump bath in the shower. (Sweet eliza is an innocent bystander sitting sweetly in her bouncy chair!)
e-(Crying) mommy I take shower with you. Please mommy, shower!!
me-no ella you lost your chance!
e-(Crying and screaming) Mommy, SHOWER!!! SHOWER!
me-Okay! I get out (thinking this would help me out in the long run because I could bathe her with me and save a step!) I pick her up and put her in the shower as she goes crazy...trying to get out with all her might!
e-my bath, my bath, my bath!
me-bath is OVER...you are not getting out...this is ridiculous!! My blood is boiling and my hot water is running our by the second. Sweet little eliza is wondering what all this drama is about because it is really ruining her early morning nap!
e-Screaming trying to get the shower door open! (this went on for about two minutes)
me-You are done! I pick her up and put her in the bath and tell her to sit quietly and she is in big trouble!
e-crying
me-freezing water at this point. Finish shower. wrap my little drama queen in her towel and politely plopped her little self in time-out! I counted to ten..took deep breathes....and told the Lord I was angry and needed help!
e-after a lengthy little sit....was told to apologize, got diapered (I wasn't about to put panties back on her in that state of mind), dressed and deposited in her bed for a very early nap! I haven't heard a peep since!
me-sat on the couch with my bible in hand and looked desperately for wisdom from the Lord.

Proverbs 31:26"She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue."
Help me Lord....I have my work cut out for me....and it's only10am!