This will hopefully be the rest of Samuel's story. If you want to read the beginning you can scroll down a bit! My hope is that this doesn't come across as a sad or depressing story...even though it was a very sad time...but encouraging as I share how God worked even in the midst of this hard time.
Stone # 11- Once I got back to my room and met my sweet nurse they got me an epidural very quickly. I was really nervous about getting one...remember my fear of needles...well at that point I think I'd let them chop off my foot if they'd told me it would make it all feel better! Once that baby was in place I had not an ounce of pain! I got this cool little pump that let add more
meds through the
epi...and
every time I felt anything...I hit that button a few times. I was able to sleep some through the night. They took Samuel off the
monitors and only monitored me...I didn't think I could handle it if I new he was gone already. At 11:15 a.m. I began pushing...with a room FULL of
people! (Not what I'd planned on but at that point I was just ready!) Oh here is the important thing....Samuel was still breech and they decided to let me try to deliver him naturally! Such a blessing since I knew the recovery from a C-section would have been harder and I knew it could effect how many children we could potentially have. So at 11:31 on a cold January day my little Samuel arrived on this earth for a few short minutes. This whole time since the beginning of Nov. when we first learned of Samuel's condition I was in "lets just get through this mode." I hadn't let myself get too attached and tried my best to prepare for what was to come. The moment I laid my eyes on all 3lbs and 4oz of him I was in love. I wasn't prepared for the reality that he was a real baby. I held him as they cleaned him off. The
NICU team listened to him and brought him to me and I held him as he left this world and
entered his forever home. I can't quite explain in words what that day or being in that room was like but I felt as though I was standing on "Holy Ground!" There was peace, love, and a knowing that the Lord was pleased with us. I remember thinking I am holding someone who is seeing Jesus! I have never before or since felt the presence of the Holy Spirit like I did at that time. I remember thinking that there were probably angels everywhere awaiting my little guy! Thank you Lord for you peace and presence on the most difficult times of our lives. I'd also like to say that I cannot imagine going through this hard time or any hard time without a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. IF you do not know HIM you need too!
Stone #12- We loved on Samuel for many hours. My parents and
Kevin's parents were there with us. I'd always wondered how will I ever let go? When will I let go? Will they have to put me out first?? After many hours they told me that they would be moving us to another room down the hall. It was evident that Samuel was now in his heavenly home. I must admit that this is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. We knew it was time. With tears flowing freely I kissed my little guy and gave him to my sweet nurse Becky! Even now as I type I cannot bear the thought. I knew I had to! My comfort was in knowing that he was in heaven! I tried to keep imagining him there and not still in that hospital by himself. They moved us to our new room and we rested. I felt at peace. I looked at my pictures of him a million times and I continued to think of heaven. We had done the hardest part!
Stone #13 -Remember we were moving...our closing date was Jan. 31...we were a little busy that day as that was the day Samuel arrived. I guess at first look you'd think what terrible timing to go into labor the day you are
supposed to be closing on a house. Actually the Lord knew the timing was perfect. The people we bought our (very dirty and needing lots of work) new house from obviously had some issues and from what we heard closing was a bit of a scene. The sweet lawyer actually ended up coming to the hospital the following day and closing on the sale of our new house and the house we were selling to Kev's parents at the same time. How is that for timing (and the lawyer even came to us)!
Stone #14- We buried Samuel on Feb 3rd in the
Baby land portion of a nearby
cemetery. The funeral home did it all for free because my dad had been a big help to them (he is a pastor and often does funerals there for people who do not have a pastor or church)! What a financial blessing! My parents bought the plot of land for us and my grandparents wanted to buy Samuel's headstone as well. We were so thankful. It was a beautiful and warm February day. I'll never forget the refreshing breeze that filled the tent that day. As I sat there looking at that tiny blue coffin...I remember thinking...Maybe I should just grab it and run for my life. Everything in me wanted to go and get my baby out but my heart knew that I couldn't. My dad did most of the sweet service along with a few of our other ministers. Kevin and I both wrote something that was shared. It was our desire to share Jesus with our friends who were there that day. We greeted our friends and family and left before they put him in the ground. I remember that night it stormed pretty bad. That was the worst feeling. I remember feeling like I needed to be out there with him. I was scared for it to storm, scared of ant piles forming around his grave and sad to leave his earthly shell there alone. I write this because I am sure that I am not the only mother who has lost a child who has thought or felt these same feelings. All I could do was trust Jesus. Trust that Samuel was in his heavenly home, that he was safe and secure and that God did have a plan for us through all of this.
Stone #15-We were still staying at my parents house. This was such a blessing. I really didn't want to be home alone so it was a blessing to stay there. In fact we never went back to our old house except to move and clean! Remember how we started packing in September...well the whole house was pretty much packed and ready for moving. This was a huge blessing! Once we got the old occupants out of OUR house out...we thought we might have to call the cops...it was many days after closing! We finally headed to our new house to begin working. That first night we hauled off 8 trailer loads of their junk, trash and belongings they left for us! It was a huge job for us. This became our "baby!" We knew we had to get it ready so we could at least move in. Kevin had two weeks off of work that could be dedicated to the house! (He is such a "handy man!) He worked so hard all day everyday until late each night and I did what I could. We were determined to make this house a home. This project got our mind off of our situation and gave us a hope for the future of our family. God must have known we'd need this when he gave us the desire to buy this home...that's all I can figure out because I don't think I'd ever agree to it on my own. We worked for weeks and finally moved in around mid March. We still had some work to go but it was def. livable at this point. Thanks mom and dad for letting us live with you guys for...a very long time (it was really just what we needed!)
Stone #16- I must just mention that God gave the smartest and best class I ever had that year! My parents were so so sweet and loving to me. They showered me with cards, gifts and prayers. Some came to the hospital and many attended Samuel's funeral. You know you are lucky when you get a "smart class"...just makes the year a little easier...but to get a smart class and wonderful wonderful parents just had to be God. I returned to work after 6 weeks which flew! It was hard but I had too. Kids keep you busy so my days where full!
Stone#17- We had to wait several weeks to get the results of Samuel's autopsy report. This would tell us for sure if the
condition was genetic or not. We found out in March that his chromosomes were normal and then a few weeks later that his condition was not genetic. Thank you Lord...we could try again!
Stone #18- After losing Samuel I had such a desire to have another child. A desire where it was all I wanted or could think about. We began trying and month after month after month we couldn't get pregnant. I must admit that I began to feel forgotten by the Lord and angry. I felt like couldn't he just bless me now...I had done the hard part...now just give me a baby. We continued and nothing. This was the valley...and I mean the low dark valley for me. I remember wondering if I could continue my life at times. I was grieving! God knew I needed to grieve and that I would need time to heal and work through these feelings. In October we sought out a RE (reproductive
endo.) and they ran many test on the both of us. This gave me a hope and took some of the pressure off of us. We were totally stressed out at this point. We did an
IUI in Oct- and resulted in a chemical pregnancy, again in December and didn't get
pregnant, and again in January. This was really our last chance before having to consider
IVF. We weren't sure we were ready to walk down that path. But on
FEBRUARY 3, 2007 we found out we were pregnant. Scroll up to see what we were doing the previous Feb. 3rd! We were burying our little Samuel. This Feb. 3rd God was answering our prayer. This day of forever sadness will always be overshadowed with God's graciousness and our sweet
ella.
Stone #19- The story is almost complete but I just love this one. I had a close friend who had been trying as long as we had for their second child. We go to church
together and on Feb. 3rd she told me that she had just found out she was pregnant.....and I was able to tell her that I was too. Can I just tell you that I am glad I'd tested that morning. I would have been happy for them...but it would have been hard to know that yet another friend was pregnant! The Lord blessed us at the same time. Now
ella has a little friend who was born 3 days after her (sorry Becky...she was actually due before me)!
Okay...I think that is it! Little by little God carried us, blessed us and got us through. Grief is a strange thing and still finds its way into my life at times. I am thankful that I have a God who is in control even in the midst of the storm.
