Wrestling....

Have you ever prayed and prayed for God to do something and then as God just barely begins to open a door of opportunity, you dig your heels in the ground and have yourself a pity party?  Well, that was my weekend.  I feel as though I have been in a spiritual battle all weekend, unlike any I have faced for a while now. 

When Kev and I surrendered to the ministry, I told the Lord I was willing to lay aside my life and follow His plan for our lives.  Really this is not just for those in ministry...it is what being a christian means!  What if God's plan once again looks very different from what I want, like or feel comfortable with (usually it does)!  What if it means laying down my life and picking up my cross (it always does).  What if it means having less, doing less, and big changes in those things I find fun and appealing (it might).  Do you see why I have been wrestling??

It is so easy to be comfortable in our nice little homes, great churches, and towns with tons of opportunities, families, and things to do.  What if God calls me to a very different kind of life and ministry?  Will I be faithful?  God has really shown us no direction yet, but He has made one thing very big in my heart and life as I have struggled, cried, and wrestled through this in a fresh way this weekend, he cares about my obedience and about people who need to know Him.

There are a few passages in the Bible that I have always struggled through.  One is the passage in Luke 9 where Jesus says "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife, and children, his brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life cannot be my disciple."  The other is the story of the rich man in Matthew 19:23, "I tell you the truth, it is very hard for a rich person to get into the Kingdom of heaven."  Both of these two passages of scripture always make me think, Lord???? But when thinking about my own life, my first two thoughts when faced with obedience in my life usually has something to do with family and possessions.  There is the 1)I will miss family side and then the what "good" things will my girls/family miss out on. (I know in reality they won't miss out when serving the Lord but from the world's perspective you think of things like schools, organized sports, libraries, (and a Target for crying out loud!!)  Then there is 2) my furniture won't fit that, the major downsizing and down grading, the, what about my china hutch, and you see where I am going.  The Lord in His infinite wisdom knew the human struggle in these areas.  They are the exact areas I have struggled with this weekend. 

After having myself a pity party and being weepy and grumpy with my family.  It is never easy when your husband has the right spiritual outlook and you know you don't!  I knew it was time that the Lord and I went to battle over this.  I knew He would win anyways.  His Holy Spirit is at work and my heart and my flesh can only stray so far until I relent.  I pulled out Radical by David Platt.  I have been wanting to read it for a while.  Now, I needed to read it.  I knew what I was headed for (Kev has read it a few times and I knew I would be challenged).  It didn't take me getting too far until I felt my resistance letting up and the Lord melting away my fears and disobedience.  As my home laid quiet  and still last night, I told the Lord that once again I will follow where He leads.  I will lay down my pride and silly desires and humbly obey his path no matter how unlovely it may look to my human eyes.  I don't want to one day get to heaven and realize I missed out on God's plan and provision for my life because of a Target and a china hutch.  Thank you Lord for loving me despite myself.