Fear and Faith

This week I have been faltering drastically between fear and faith.  Last week we took a trip several hours north for the hubs to attend a weekend seminary class.  He has been doing extension classes for almost 4 years now.  His summer course required a two day class on campus.  The girls and I tagged along for the weekend and we stayed in the "commuter housing" for a cheap 39$ a night.  This was my third visit to the campus.

 I went with my parents at the end of my senior year of college to "check it out." I didn't have a clue what I really wanted to do as a career and  I thought their women's ministry degree looked interesting.  I came home and decided to focus on teaching since I was almost done with my degree.  Interestingly, it was the very day that we returned home from that visit that Kev's Aunt Pam called wanting to set us up on a blind date.  I think we met for the first time two days later. 

Kev and I visited the campus almost three years ago as he was beginning to go back to school.  We were in the area and visiting some friends of ours.  I was about 7 weeks pregnant with Ella and was a nervous wreck.  I was petrified at the thought of moving away.  I felt as though I needed my doctor (as she had been through our loss of Samuel and knew our history).  I felt scared about leaving my family.  We were just coming out of such a season of grief and loss that I wasn't ready to move.  Honestly, I couldn't imagine moving so far from the cemetery where Samuel is buried.  The thought of leaving...was more than I could handle and after lots of prayer we felt peace with staying and Kevin continuing to take courses on-line.

Over the past two years I have stumbled onto several blogs of women who's husbands have attended the same seminary. It has been neat to look into their lives from a distance and wonder if the Lord is calling us there too.  Many of these families have since graduated and moved on, yet I am thankful that the Lord used their blogs to open my eyes more to this for our lives.

For a while now I have felt that perhaps now is the right time for us to make a move and for Kev to get this degree DONE!  He will have a small portion of classes that he will have to take there.  I feel the Lord changing my focus and giving me some new desires.  For example, the desire to downsize and live a simpler life.  The desire to step out once again on faith and live life solely dependent on Jesus to make our path.  The desire to establish some new friends and see a new area.  I actually think I felt more leading in this area than Kev did prior to visiting.

So we visited and I could feel some fear building in my heart.  What will I do on the days when Kev is working and goes straight to class until like 10 at night?  How will I deal with being in a new city with him so busy?  Will I be so homesick?  Will we really live in an 800 square foot apartment?  What will we do with all our stuff?  Where will we go to church?  Will I find friends?  Will Kev find a job?  Will I have money to still buy groceries? And the fear continued. 

So here I am faltering between stepping out of the boat or sinking with fear.  I am praying that the Lord will guide our path as He always has, and lead us to what He has for us.  I do know that if you never get out of the boat...you never see His provision in your own life.  I have seen many times before that Faith honors God and God honors faith.  I have experienced that His plans for me are so much better and well suited for me than I would choose on my own.  I have also learned that the narrow path, the way of faith is sometimes hard and requires great sacrifice.  Oh Lord, help me.