Six

It is hard to believe that it has been six years since that life-changing day at the very end of January.  Six years since I last held my firstborn.  Six years of grace, blessings, tears, triumphs and trials.  Six years without our big boy.

Ella wanted to bring her pom poms and do a cheer for  Samuel. 

I did something yesterday that I hadn't felt like doing in a few years.  The house was quiet as the girls were at mother's morning out and Kev at church.  It is kinda strange how you can long to look through something and yet hate too at the same time.  I got out his little box filled with all the memories of him.  His little blood tinged hospital blankets, his tiny newborn hat.  The hankie my sweet friend made me that I used at his funeral.  I looked through his pictures and stared at his tiny strands of hair that were taped securely to a paper for safe keeping.  I held my sweet Eli and thought about my sweet Samuel.

Every year we release balloons on his birthday.

It is hard to picture him now!  I often wonder what he would look like as a six year old.  I wonder so often how it would have changed our family dynamics for the girls to have had an older brother.  I try to imagine having 4 children and I am sure life would be different and busy.

Eliza didn't want to hold hers...I think she was scared of flying away with it!

I am not totally sure why God has allowed us to struggle so much with pregnancy loss, birth defects, and difficult pregnancies, but I know for some reason this has been a huge, huge part of our last 6 years.  I pray God will continue to use our journey to encourage others.

At four Ella is understanding more about heaven and that she has a big brother there.

Beautiful flowers given by Kevin's parents.

So for today, I will remember those sweet little footprints that left such a huge impression on my heart.

Eli at 6 Months (and lots of pics)!!

It is hard to believe that my sweet little Eli is already a little over 6 months old.  Of course, he was 6 weeks early so in reality he is closer to being almost 5 months.  People often ask us about his leg movement and so I though I'd post a few...a ton of pics of him moving those sweet little legs. Did I mention how much we love this little boy.

This moving thing is really fun!!!

Smiling for his big sis!

Okay, mom I think you got enough!

And of course a pic with my assistant....Eliza was still napping so she missed out on the fun!

At six months Eli weighs 15 lbs 3 oz.  He was 25 1/2 inches long.  He is on the small side for 6 months, but I always remember that they are using a regular growth chart and not a preemie one.  He continues to be a great nurser and is nursing 5 times a day.  I guess we will be beginning some solids soon, but I haven't been in any hurry.  I know he is likely ready and probably will enjoy them but it will add "extra" to our daily schedule and most likely will cause some constipation issues for him (a SB thing that we haven't had to deal with yet).  I am not really looking forward to that.

Eli has been working hard in PT to sit up.  We have worked very hard at home too.  He can tripod sit pretty well but isn't quite there independently.  I am proud of how far he has come and I know we need to meet that milestone so we can begin working on some harder skills.  He will also be beginning some e-stem therapy and getting some new fancy socks that might help those little feet to learn to move.   I love our PT.  She is really into research and willing to try anything that might benefit Eli.  She is motivating and encouraging and I feel that she will continue to push both Eli and myself to work very hard.  I feel so blessed to have her working with our family.

Eli is rolling from belly to back and is so close to rolling from his back to his belly.  I don't think it will be long.  He digs is little face in the floor and tries so hard to get all the way over.  He loves his exersaucer and playing with his toys on his bouncy chair.  He is such a sweet and contented baby.  He loves his sisters and watches them constantly!  They love him like crazy and bother him constantly!!

Thankfully, we have had a good break from the endless appointments that we had in the months past. We currently have PT every other week and E.I. (Early Intervention) once a month.  We will see ortho again in February as well as seeing several doctors at the Spina Bifida Clinic. I am so thankful that Eli has made it to 6 months being shunt free.  We are praying that this will continue! 

Only God knew how much my heart needed another baby BOY!

Goodbye and Hello!

Goodbye 2011....you will forever be etched in my mind as...the year!  When I think back on you there are many moments that still take my breath away...moments that will forever stand out in my memory.  2011 was a challenge and I will gladly bid it farewell.

Hello 2012. I have no clue what you will hold. I anticipate a year of work. Working hard to help a little guy learn to crawl and stand...and praying that little legs will grow strong. You will once again bring potty training and hopefully teaching our big girl to read. You will bring change and growth. Praying that God's will, will be done in our lives and home this year.

Here's a look at our Christmas fun of 2011.

The year of the bikes.

Eli's tree

Seeing the lights and roasting marshmellows

Eliza's tree

Christmas jammies...and 2012 will also mean saying goodbye to Eliza's beloved sassy.

Ella's tree...sheis getting so big!

Our BOY!!!

Apparently no one was into taking pictures except mommy!!

  

Merry Christmas 2011

It's 2:30 on Christmas Day.  My entire house is napping.  We are all worn out from all of our festivities.  We have one more to go this evening and we promised the girls that we couldn't go see their cousins without a good long nap this afternoon.

The house is quiet and although I should close my eyes for a few seconds...while I can, my heart needs a few seconds to process the joy of this day.

2011 has been the hardest year in my short 32 year old life.  Last Christmas, I was newly pregnant with our 4th child, and completely unaware (thank the Lord) of the year we were walking into.  I had no clue that within the year I would have two surgeries, lots of bed rest, a month in the hospital, that Kev would have a terrible car wreck, lose his job, and we would have a BOY!!! 

If you look at our pictures that we took this morning, they look very similar to the ones we took last year...with the addition of a handsome little boy.  Same poses in front of the same tree, which is decorated in the same way as the year before.  Many things look the same, but I assure you that the family in front of the tree is not. 

This year has challenged me physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  It brought me to yet another....and another...crisis of faith.  Did I really believe that  Jesus was enough?  Did he really care?  Is he really good?  Did he really love me?  Could he really sustain our marriage?  Is he enough for the really hard times in life?

I guess a crisis of faith really only leaves you with two options...trust Him or turn from Him.   My faith having been tested many times before spurred me on to trust.  I knew from our loss of our baby Samuel in 2006 that God was good.  He did have a plan when we didn't understand.   He would be near to me through the trials, and etc.  I knew...but would it be enough for this year?

I am so thankful to be sitting at the end of this year very changed from the girl I was last year.  I am so thankful that My God is so faithful.  I am so thankful that I KNOW once again, that he is good.  I have tasted and have seen.  I have walked on the hard path this year, yet I have seen his hand over and over.  My prayer life has been one of pleading and praise.  My heart so thankful at times and so broken at others.  Jesus is enough!! 

Merry Christmas from our home to yours.  Thank you so much for your prayers for our family this year.     

memories

Everyday my girls make me laugh.  I always think....I better write that one down so I don't forget it.  Well, this is me stopping and recording some memories.

1) The other morning Ella came running into our bedroom with a piece of paper in her hand.  She said, "Lize I made it for you."  Eliza took one look at it and proudly exclaimed, "Elmo."  I've never seen a cuter Elmo... made from a red stick body and a round orange nose.  Such a sweet big sis who knows just what her little sis loves.

Eliza not only loves Elmo and her pink blankie square.  She is also obsessed with the color blue!  So strange as most little girls as girlie as she, would love pink or purple.  Any clue as to what she asks to wear everyday...matched with her "parkle" sparkly red shoes of course (thanks mom)! Love it and love this girl!

Every time we leave the house she stuffs her Elmo and her blankie in my purse!

At two and four my girls are becoming great playmates!  They spend tons of time each day mess making playing.  They really are good mess makers at using their imaginations!!

This is actually pretty clean...in comparison to the norm.  We do straighten it back once a week

and it stays clean for about 10 secs.  I love to listen to their conversations while they play.  It is hilarious and usually has to do with Ella either babying Eliza or bossing Eliza.

This one of the things they like to do.  They are playing "school" here.  Each stuffed animal gets lined up and sits on a book.  They have recently started added a second small book with each animal.  Such funny girls.   One day I am sure I am gonna miss every stuffed animal being lined up in the hall!