Six

It is hard to believe that it has been six years since that life-changing day at the very end of January.  Six years since I last held my firstborn.  Six years of grace, blessings, tears, triumphs and trials.  Six years without our big boy.

Ella wanted to bring her pom poms and do a cheer for  Samuel. 

I did something yesterday that I hadn't felt like doing in a few years.  The house was quiet as the girls were at mother's morning out and Kev at church.  It is kinda strange how you can long to look through something and yet hate too at the same time.  I got out his little box filled with all the memories of him.  His little blood tinged hospital blankets, his tiny newborn hat.  The hankie my sweet friend made me that I used at his funeral.  I looked through his pictures and stared at his tiny strands of hair that were taped securely to a paper for safe keeping.  I held my sweet Eli and thought about my sweet Samuel.

Every year we release balloons on his birthday.

It is hard to picture him now!  I often wonder what he would look like as a six year old.  I wonder so often how it would have changed our family dynamics for the girls to have had an older brother.  I try to imagine having 4 children and I am sure life would be different and busy.

Eliza didn't want to hold hers...I think she was scared of flying away with it!

I am not totally sure why God has allowed us to struggle so much with pregnancy loss, birth defects, and difficult pregnancies, but I know for some reason this has been a huge, huge part of our last 6 years.  I pray God will continue to use our journey to encourage others.

At four Ella is understanding more about heaven and that she has a big brother there.

Beautiful flowers given by Kevin's parents.

So for today, I will remember those sweet little footprints that left such a huge impression on my heart.