One Month

Our little Eli is now one month old.  Technically, I should still be almost 39 weeks pregnant.  I must say that I am glad I am not!!  I am so thankful to have this first month behind us.  It has been a challenge, but not so much due to Eli.  He is the sweetest little thing.  He eats...GREAT!!!  I finally got my good eater!!  Unfortunately, he has had a hard time transitioning from the bottle, so I am committed to pumping!  I am a slave to the pump!  I must say there are some definite advantages to bottle feeding, but I am still hoping we can conquer this challenge eventually. 

Eli is growing like a little weed.  I have no clue how much he weighs now, but I think his double chin is a good indicator that things are going well.  I also love knowing exactly how much he is taking in at each feed....told you there were a few perks!!  He eats, looks around at his crazy sissy's for a while and then takes him a good siesta.  He is waking up in the night every 3 hours and we have gotten a few 4 hour stretches too.  I am really hoping that he will stretch that out a little more in the weeks to come.  Daddy has been helping during the 2 am feeding...see I told you there were some definite perks.  Ella and Eliza never took bottles...at all...and so it was up to mommy.  I remembering some nights feeling like I was dying of exhaustion and Kev would rub my back.  It was sweet, but I remember thinking that I would sure like to switch places with him at that moment.

Back to Eli.  Tonight I finally looked back through his birth pictures.  It was such a traumatic experience for me that I haven't even wanted to look at them since.  Honestly, when he came out and I saw his little legs twisted and turned completely wrong...I am pretty sure I went into shock.  I was not prepared for how they were going to look.  I praise the Lord because I have seen so much healing in the past month.  They are no longer are twisted in crazy directions, nor do they bend straight to his face.  They move and kick and are gaining some meat!  They were so skinny and weak looking at first.  I think I pray over those little legs and feet more than anything I have ever prayed over before.  What a long way those little legs have come since his birthday!  We continue to pray for strength, muscle development and movement. 

At one month Eli is a lot like any other baby.  He has had a few extra doctor appointments and there are several coming in the next few weeks.  He has made it through his first month without a shunt and we are thankful for that.  His back looks great and he continues to wear his hip brace unless we are changing his diaper or giving him a little stretching time.  We do his PT stretches each day and kiss lots of sweet baby toes. 

Emotionally I am finding myself loving my baby boy more and more.  At times I have felt guarded...scared to let my mommy love loose, scared to let myself love him as deeply.  Scared of being his mommy, knowing that I will be the one to comfort him when he his scared at the doctor, facing a surgery or facing the unknown.  I am thankful that as each day passes my love grows.  I cherish those special little moments...usually somewhere in the middle of the night, when he looks at me with his sweet little eyes and face and he knows that I am his mommy.  It makes me know that I am his mommy too! Happy one month Eli.

Party thoughts

Is it really almost September??  My brain is so confused and I think I am lost somewhere back in April.  I cannot believe my pregnancy is over(thank you Lord) and I already almost have a one month old (tom.).I am pretty sure the events of this spring/summer can account for my confusion and I feel lost somewhere in the middle.

Since September is right around the corner it means we are heading into birthday time.  Eliza turns two and Ella will turn 4 two weeks later.  I must say that I love planning their birthdays.  In the past it has been something that I have thought about and planned for weeks or months.  And I do realize that one can do overkill, but I love trying to make it special.  Ella always notices the details and gets so excited and that makes it worth it.   I have said all along that they will have a together party this year, but now that it is getting closer...I think I am changing my mind.  I really would love to have Eliza her own special party to just celebrate and focus on her. I know if they have a party together it tends to accommodate and cater to the older child more.  And she is really fond of MELO! (elmo) right now.  Ella says she wants a spiderman party.  She knows nothing about spiderman other than the fact that her older boy cousins think he his cool. She also likes to say she likes Sponge Bob and Ferb because she isn't allowed to watch either of those cartoons!  Kids...!!!! Needless to say...we are thinking more along the lines of a tea party for her little girl friends. 

Kev is back at work and his final day is tomorrow.  He has had two job possibilities/interviews and we are praying that the Lord would make the path straight...and quick!!!  We have been very blessed in spite of him losing his job and trusting that the God who knows will carry us. 

And finally...I went to Target alone today with my 3 littles and survived.  Today is a good day!

Rest for the Weary

If there is ever a time in one's life when they feel the need for extra grace and strength...it might be during the newborn stage.  Long gone are the cherished days when we brought home our first born.  I could sleep when she slept and spend my days snuggling in her sweet newborn smell.  With three little stair steps all 3 and under...life is shakin!!  Nights are long and mornings come all too soon with the sound of our early birds.  Days are spent trying to stay on top of pumping and feeding (which is for the birds and a new experience for me) and trying to keep 2 doting sisters from feeding, harming or waking little brother. 

I am not complaining because if there is one thing I have asked God for it is for my children...all of them! But oh my goodness, mothering will send you to your knees!!

This is an excerpt from my quiet time this morning.  It is from the book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.  I must say that it is one of my favorite quick little reads and always provides encouragement for my weary soul. 
"Come to Me when you are weak and weary.  Rest snugly in My everlasting arms.  I do not despise your weakness, My child.  Accept yourself in your weariness, knowing that I understand how difficult your journey has been.

Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease.  Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy.  I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My presence.

Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it."
pg. 235

For your viewing pleasure...Eli's first real bath!

Wordless Wednesday

realness

Tonight I am just plain mad.  I know...it isn't very becoming and doesn't make for an uplifting post.  I often think that I shouldn't blog when I am feeling down or upset, but in reality it usually helps me sort through all that is in my head.  Maybe, it isn't that I am mad...I think I am truly heartbroken.

Our day of appointments was long. We left the house at 8 and returned after 4.  We saw the orthopedist this morning and he was nice.  He reminded me of a grandfather as I sat in the office and boohooed.  He went from an informational surgeon to a compassionate older gentleman who seemed to understand the weight of my concerns.  He did a sensory test to try to determine where Eli has feeling and where he doesn't.  It appears that he has a good bit less feeling than one would expect him to have with a lower lumbar/sacral level lesion.  I watched with my own eyes, wishing he could feel the pinches...but he did not.  He also has hip dysplasia.  I guess that just means that both of his hips are easily coming in and out of socket.  We thought this might be the case.  The doctor put him in a soft brace (it actually looks like a very large cloth diaper). It has padding in it and is somewhat bulky.  It will keep his hips abducted and may help...time will tell.  He will wear it all day and night for about 6 weeks when we go back again. This afternoon we spent a good bit of time with an orthoist who fitted it for him.

After we left the orthopedist appointment we went upstairs for his neurosurgery appointment.  I cannot tell you how nervous I was when they measured his little head.  That is one way they are tracking his head growth to check for hydrocephalus.  Thankfully, his little head is growing normally so far and we will continue to monitor it for any large increases.  We are thankful to still be shunt free, although we have a long way to go.  Honestly, I am not sure you are ever in the clear, but I think if you get past a year or two your chances of needing one goes down dramatically.  They also said his little scar on his back looked great!

I have felt so mad and frustrated today.  So angry that we are dealing with this.  When we have to talk through our medical history with doctors they kind of look at us like....really??   Each time we meet with a new doctor, I feel the need to let them know that I indeed took my folic acid religiously!  I think it is impart due to my pride and probably somewhat do the fact that I always feel guilt since my body grew him. 

He is honestly the sweetest and most precious little boy.  Kev and I already love him so much and yet our hearts ache knowing that there are great challenges ahead.  I wish so much that he were healthy!  I am struggling to balance my faith and reality.  I wish there was a cure, a fix.  My heart is sad.

Newborn thoughts

It is funny how a teeny, tiny newborn can cause one's house to look like a bomb exploded!!  Poor Eli... it is not his fault, but it sure seems like newborns have lots of paraphernalia.  There are diapers, wipes, creams, bottles, pump parts, clothes, socks, blankets and stuff everywhere.  Last night I decided to take action and worked for hours trying to get our house back under some order, at least for a day or two. 

Eli is doing well.  He is a very easy baby so far.  He eats, opens his eyes a little, and then is back asleep again.  In reality, he still should have about 3 more weeks tucked away in my tummy, so I am expecting him to wake up more in a few weeks.  So far, he is definitely the easiest of the bunch.

We are so thankful for each little leg movement that we see.  The other night my mom cooked dinner for us and we all sat around watching Eli kick his legs.  We are all learning to be thankful for more and more through all of this.  I never sat around and watched Ella or Eliza move their legs.  We have seen a lot more movement in the past two weeks.  He does not appear to have feeling in his feet at this point and his ankles are very week.  We are still thankful for what he does have right now.

We have three appointments for Eli this week.  On Tuesday, we will meet with the pediatric neurosurgeon and also with the orthopedist.  Honestly, I am nervous about those two appointments and what we may learn about Eli.  I am praying that his ventricles will remain stable and that his head circumference will remain in normal limits.  We will continue to pray for no shunt.  I am also praying that the ortho will see his leg movement and that his hips will not be dislocated.  We would covet your prayers for Eli on Tuesday.  On Wednesday he will have an evaluation for babynet, which is our state's early intervention program.  This service will provide in home therapy(PT/OT) for Eli, which will be helpful to our family as well as Eli.  It is already so much harder to imagine him having to go through difficult procedures.  My love for him is growing and growing. 

I also have a whole post roaming in my head about little boys, but I am sure thankful that God knew we needed another one.

Coming out of the fog...I think!

Tonight is the first in a while that I am not struggling to keep my eyes open at 6:00.  I am finally starting to feel better and more like myself again.  My terrible swelling is finally subsiding, horrible headaches are better tonight, and my incision is healing nicely now.  I am so glad to have the past two weeks behind us and have little Eli home.

He is doing well and is such a sweet baby!  He is definitely the easiest of the 3 for now.  He has two very doting big sisters and that is the most challenging part of our days. Ella wants to be the mommy and Eliza wants to touch his head, hands and face.  I am sure the new will wear off soon.

A few days after Eli was born we saw very little leg movement.  We are praising the Lord because each day we are seeing a little more.   We are praying that the Lord will continue to heal his little body and we will praise the Lord for each little movement we see. And now...here is out two week old little cutie!