Kev and I married in May of 2003. I knew he was God's choice for me despite our rather short courtship and 6 month engagement. I had a peace that I knew was from God and I knew that he was leading us to marry. I was just finishing my first year of teaching 1st grade and he was working full-time as well.
We set our minds to get out of the rather large pile of DEBT that we brought into the marriage and acquired shortly after marriage (School loans, car loan, credit card, house, and it all added up quickly to a nice HUGE number!) I had always, always, always known that I desired to be a stay at home mom and have a house full of kids. In fact, from the time I was young all I really wanted to be was a mom. We knew if there was any hope of me getting to one day stay at home, we had to get serious about our debt and our finances. We both worked hard for for several years and as the years passed we saw our debt dwindling too.
We (I) being the planner that I am, had it all figured out and calculated just perfectly. I knew when I needed to get pregnant in order to use my leave days (that I had been saving for the past four years,) in order to get paid and also get the last three months off of teaching in order to begin my career as a stay at home mom. So, we were excited about the possibility of starting a family, but this was uncharted territory for me and at that point the thought of even a small finger prick was enough to make me wonder if I could do it, much less birth a baby at a HOSPITAL (I used to be super scared of them). Needless to say, I have come a long way. We tried and to our surprise we got pregnant that very first month. I found out on July 20, 2005 that I was going to be a mom, while at the doc. for what I thought to be a UTI. We were super excited and told both of our families that very first day and friends very soon afterwards.
My pregnancy went great with very minor nausea. On November 7, 2005 I was scheduled for our 20 week ultrasound. We hadn't had one since I was about 9 weeks and so we couldn't wait to see our peanut and most importantly (as we thought then), find out what we were having. Sitting in that waiting room was a young, unscathed, unbroken, super excited, had their whole lives planned out, couldn't wait to paint the nursery, young couple whose lives were about to be changed forever.
In our routine ultrasound, we quickly learned that our little peanut had two multi cystic kidneys and they didn't see a bladder on the ultrasound. The ultrasound was also very dark and it was hard to get a good view of the baby because it showed that I had no amniotic fluid. We were shocked. They concluded the ultrasound and took us into a small office, and I asked Kev to please call my parents who were home anxiously awaiting our call. They explained a little more about what might be wrong and scheduled us for another ultrasound the following day with a specialist. I remember the shock of thinking that we might be having a child with a severe birth defect. I still hadn't grasped the concept that our child might die.
We went to my parents house and I made a few phone calls to friends who were waiting to hear what we were having. (They couldn't tell and at that point it was the least most important thing in our minds). Follow-up ultrasounds showed the same thing.....a rare and fatal kidney problem. Fatal as in no baby with this condition survives due to a multitude of related issues. HOW? WHY? WHAT?? It seemed at times as if we were watching someone else walk through these painful events. I couldn't believe that this was really happening to our perfect plan...to our child.
As believers, we relied heavily on our Sunday School class, church, family and the Lord. We undoubtedly felt their prayers and love. We kept doing what we had been before, yet with a new brokenness and a new passion. Kev continued to teach Sunday School week in and week out and I continued to teach my first graders. Those were hard weeks....long weeks of waiting. They told us that most women chose to abort terminal pregnancies and that they really didn't know what the following weeks would hold for us. We were asked several times if we were sure we wanted to continue our pregnancy. We chose life for our little one who was tucked away inside living out his short yet meaningful little life. We chose to(as my dad says it best) stay committed to Jesus, even when the situation, circumstances, and people said otherwise. This was faith and we were living in out daily in a tangible way.
I went into labor on January 30, 2006 at about 10:30pm. Our precious little son, Samuel, was born the following morning at 11:22 am and lived a short few minutes on this earth. I never saw his little eyes open and I never heard him cry, but one thing I know, he was real, God had a purpose and our lives were forever changed.
There is so much to that part of the story, but our God story doesn't end there. A few months after losing Samuel we got the okay from doctors that Samuel's condition was not genetic and we felt at peace with trying again. Actually, I was desperate to try again. Unlike when we got pregnant with Samuel and I was kinda okay with the idea of starting a family. This time I felt like if I didn't have another child I might die. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but it was like having a taste of being a mother without getting to do any of the fun stuff (no shower, no nursery, no baby shopping, no bringing the baby home, no getting to show off your new bundle of joy, no coos, no first smiles, no birthdays to celebrate, and the list could continue on and on!)
We began trying and unlike our easily getting pregnant with Samuel it didn't seem as easy this time. In fact month after month we would try and month after month, test after test it was negative. In fact, it was during this year of trying that I really struggled with my relationship with the Lord. I felt as though he had forgotten us. I felt as though He was withholding a blessing from us while showering everyone around with tons. I felt as though we had be faithful and I didn't see the profit. I was grieving, I felt depressed, and some days I felt hopeless.
In Oct. we began some testing at a local fertility center mainly because I was about to lose my sanity over OPKs, testing, charting, and if you've ever been there, you understand. We did our first IUI procedure in Oct. which resulted in a chemical pregnancy (basically just a very early miscarriage). We did another on Christmas Eve (due to my cycle) of 2006. I just knew this would be our Christmas blessing, yet it resulted in a negative test two weeks later. By January of 2007, we were at what should be Samuel's first birthday and we were feeling the pressure at all sides. I remember one morning crying out to God as I tried to get myself up and ready to go teach a brood of busy first graders. It was that morning that I called Kevin and told him that we had to be serious about following God's plan for us even if we didn't like it. (Once again I am eating those words that I said that day because it goes against what my nature would like to do.) I said something like...if God has called you to the ministry..you have got to do it and quit telling God you aren't ready. I also told him that I would continue teaching to help him through seminary (something we'd been looking into). I think he knew I meant business when I said that. We did our third and final (three is about how many they want you to do before thinking it might not work) IUI in January. Kev applied to seminary and we felt a new direction and peace in our lives. Two weeks later on Feb. 3, 2007, one year to the VERY DAY that we laid our little Samuel's body in the grave, we received about ten positive pregnancy tests!! We knew it only God could plan it like that and we knew God was in it. About 8 months later on October 8th, 2007 I held our little Ella for the first time.
I was thinking about all of this just the other day as I was thinking about Ella's birth. If I would of had my way I would have been pregnant much sooner without all the trials, testing, meds, disappointments. If that would have been the case I wouldn't have my ella and I cannot imagine a day without her or her sister Eliza. If I would of had my way Kev wouldn't be halfway through his MDiv. degree. If I would of had my way I would have missed out on lots of blessings along the way.
I write ALL of this to encourage you. If there is one thing I have learned is that with God, the journey is often hard, it often requires sacrifice and a laying down of one's pride and personal agenda. It requires a change in plans and it always requires faith. I have also learned that nothing pleases God like faith and no one works the details better than God when He is the one in control. These are all lessons that I learned that I still have to remind myself of over and over as I am faced with new situations that require faith.
Psalms 40 1-3
I waited patiently for the LORD;And He inclined to me,
and heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit
Out of the miry clay,And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth.
Praise to our God.
